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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Story of my life

Thought my story might help someone.

Was born 25 years ago. I always was fat, because of that, people my age and especially girls weren't nice to me. Plus spent all my childhood summers living only with my grandmother, with no people my age in radius of 15 km. At the age of ~7 saw mom trying to commit suicide. At that time my father was drinking a lot. When i was 10 my brother got in jail, he was 18 at that time.
Everyday at school i was laughed at. Mostly because of my social awkwardness and complexion. Some days even got my *** kicked. Some days narcs would take my lunch money. Didnt have any friends at that time, but was hanging out with few guys who were mostly just making fun of me and would always ditch me if they were going to a party.
I was really afraid of people. I couldnt even go to a bus stop without being scared ****less. I was afraid of girls. Spent all my time on computer, coding or gaming.
At some point i decided to try and change some things in my life. Decided to start boxing. Was mustering my courage to go to the gym for few days. Eventually did it. Sucked at boxing. But still, in few years i got definitely better at kicking *** than most of guys at school. Broke few noses. Most people stopped making fun of me openly.
Even after that i was still scared ****less of people. Going anywhere, even to school or gym was horrible experience. Most of the time tried to stay at home. Didnt have a girlfriend, was a virgin. I thought that after graduating things would get better. And they did, but not that much.
I enrolled to one university in my hometown. Didnt attend classes, was always studying at home by myself. Only showed up for exams, test and such. Still, managed to make few friends. After year or so, found a coding job. Was on a diet for a year. Lost 15kg of body fat. Gained a little confidence. But still was really scared of people. Being a software developer, most of the time I worked at home. Was trying real hard - got a promotion. Then another. Bought a car. Enrolled into „pickup" workshop in order to beat my social anxiety. Didnt help that much, but i made few good friends. Tried therapists, meds, coke, alcohol. Didnt help. I still couldnt talk to people I didnt know without being afraid, uncomfortable. Being in public places was a pain. So I spent most of my free time watching anime, jerking off, sometimes drinking by myself and on few rare occasions going out with few guys I knew.
One summer it happened that I went to music festival to another country with few acquaintances. I was almost always drunk, I couldnt bear being sober. It was too ****ing scary. But still, I a managed to make few good memories. ****ed a girl. Met few more people. I went to the same festival for 3 years in a row. It made me more open. Living in a tent at a camp site with 100k more people you dont know does that. Plus at festival everyone is really friendly :) But still I couldnt bear being alone at public places. I wouldnt go anywhere alone. And also a couldnt talk to girls when I was sober. By the way, I was still living with my parents.
As traveling helped me a little, in next few years I tried to travel as much as I could. Spent my first new year out of country. Next summer went on "euro trip" with this guy I met at pickup workshop. Did MMF threesome with black hooker and lots of coke. Got a big promotion at work.
Everything was going well, but then something happened. I was depressed all the time. Mostly because I didnt have I girlfriend. Was drinking waaay too much. Didnt want to get out of bed in the mornings. Gained few kgs. Started to watch lots of tv series. On weekends I would go out only to get drunk senseless. Started avoiding people. Started watching anime again. Started playing WoW. ****ed up my final coursework, didnt get bachelors degree. Spent almost all year doing nothing. Sometimes tried to get my **** together. Lasted for a week at most.
Spent my birthday alone, got drunk and bough plain tickets myhometown-london-paris-london-myhometown for a new years vacation. I did that because I would never do that sober. I couldnt go anywhere alone. So I thought that I needed a push. When I got sober it sounded really scary. Even thought about not going. But eventually went. Trip was ok, I was scared most of the time. But I did It. Even approached one company - 2 girls and 2 boys. We celebrated New Year together.
I after holiday was over I decided that I need to change my life cardinally. I enrolled in university in faraway country. Quit my job. Left my car as a present to my parents. Bought plain tickets. After summer was over said my goodbyes to everyone I knew and went.
And here I am. Living abroad. After I spent 2 hours of my life writing this little story I feel whole lot better about myself. I did a lot. Sometimes I am scared, sometimes I feel uncomfortable, but I keep going. And I wish you the same.

961 Posts
you seem to be living a full life.

thank you for sharing. :)
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