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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was thinking about this, why I was feeling misanthropy at times or what I didn't like about certain support groups. Even racial, gender, social status, and economic issues. People complaining about their relationships or why they can't do this. At least the ones that appeared minor to me, it annoyed me. I didn't understand why, but now I realize I saw a part of me I didn't like in some of them. It was self-pity, like a mirror.

So many people get wrapped up in victim hood that it becomes a coping mechanism and usually debilitates positive change.

Boo-hoo, I have it so bad, I'm poor, I'm a girl, I'm a guy, I'm dumb, I'm fat, I'm gay, I'm black, I'm too old, I have anxiety issues. Recognize that, feel sorry for me, I'm so sad. I deserve something. I have it worse.

It's a trap!

Self-pity is strongly associated with low self esteem, confidence, inferiority, etc. It is negative self-talk. In many ways self-pity is the opposite of self-confidence. When you have an adverse situation where you do not have the confidence to cope you often implement self-pity.

I'm not even sure if I'm venting, preaching, or what here. Do any of you experience self-pity? I don't think I fully realized it until I really looked at triggers of low self-confidence.
 

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:boogie :boogie :boogie Well put. I could never really nail that without people getting offended.

ANTs Automatic Negative Thinking - reinforced by negative self-talk.
 

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It is true self pity doesn't make anyone feel better. Self pity just depresses people and actually makes people feel worse. I think the key is breaking through the negative talk and actually take the steps necessary to change our lives that's the hard part.
 

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Haha. Now that you mention it, I think self-pity is my biggest problem.
 

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Yeah, sometimes I feel sorry for myself. I recognise it and try to snap out of it, because I know it's bad for me.

It's not the same as being aware that you have anxiety issues though, and I think sometimes it is helpful and can make you feel better to vent along the lines of "my parents don't understand" or "my boss is so mean" or whatever.

But yeah, I agree with you, self-pity is a trap and doesn't help.
 

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Yeah self pity don't get you no where (I'm very guilty of this) but there's plenty of writing showing how people have vastly different life chances according to class, ethnicity, gender and sexuality. That ain't nothing to do with self pity.
Well yeah, of course. Aren't there a lot of studies about how "good-looking" people get preferential treatment? But I can't change the way I look, so getting depressed that I am not good-looking is not really productive. The same thing goes with ethnicity, gender, etc. Some people do have more advantages, but feeling bad about those things is counter-productive since you can't change it.
 

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you have made a pretty important realization here. self-pity makes people paralysised because they tell themself, i cant do anything about it, it is not my fault but X or Y fault.

i see it this way: i am responsible for my actions and my mood/feelings etc. it is not the fault of the economy, the politics, my moms, my gf, the society or anything. realizing how far we are responsible enable us to take actions. it is not necessary to moan and groan.
Don't let others control you, take responsibility of your life! So you also wont need to control others because it lies upon you.
 

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There is a problem here

Why do so many people get caught in self pity...

Its almost pre-determinism.

As a child... the concepts.. of being responsible for happiness. emotions, etc. do not exist... we are products very much of our environments.. and really our coping mechanisms are adapted from our parents... to an extent so hit 21-25 years old... it's clean up time.. sort stuff out... etc

Now if parents have issues they never got out of.. and your looking for the 'resources' i.e. self confidence, positive feelings... you may not find them...
Everything starts from home base... EVERYTHING.

However... as I am learning... your autonomic response if your lucky.. you grew up and PRACTICED... good habits... if not... and you have all these negative social experiences.. then there is no foundation to build off of.

But there has to be a recognition of your individual situation, what you are in control to change and the work required... you may not like it but I believe someone said it on this forum... There is always a PRICE... it's those of us who KNOW it backwards, forwards, manipulate it, have fun with the price that in time COPE better. The INITIAL anxieties are UNIVERSAL... its the Transition back to 'homeostasis' that's difficult.

So while you may want to even your body begs to jump into social situations. you need to build yourself up... evaluate your primal value system.. challenge it if you have to... and decide what you 'enjoy' try to be humble.. cause well at least I feel behind in 'story mode'... and just try to say to yourself, if my values are true... my actions are true then over time ill build an indestructible self because it adds up to ME... anything short of that..

you may as iv read here ... in social situations where people look at you for saying something even normal it's because your values and actions arn't true.

I don't know if im making much sense...ahahaha. take from what you will.

Realization: If you can't truly cry... you can't truly laugh
 

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Well yeah, of course. Aren't there a lot of studies about how "good-looking" people get preferential treatment? But I can't change the way I look, so getting depressed that I am not good-looking is not really productive. The same thing goes with ethnicity, gender, etc. Some people do have more advantages, but feeling bad about those things is counter-productive since you can't change it.
I deleted my post because I thought I was being a bit of an arse and somewhat missing the point of the op. But a bit of it smacked of laying the blame on the victims door step mentioning race, class, sexuality and gender (and SA as well). Perhaps going too far the other way on the continium. In that we do have the power to change ourselves to a certain extent but society (as well as our psychology) limits those changes. It is the fault of the economy if you lose your job and can't find work because there's plenty of people in the same boat and not enough jobs to go round. Then you get depressed because you feel like you're left on the shelf. Also I think feeling bad about stuff isn't always counter productive. It wasn't until I started to feel bad about how I was that I wanted to change but that's just my experience.
 

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There is no such thing as "Self Pity." What a person feels is what a person feels. It's what his/her body/mind feels.

While we may not know why we feel the way we do, forcing some theoretical explanation down someone's throat, will not change a thing. If you can change the way you feel in an instant, then you should consider yourself lucky, for that is not human.

If I feel hungry. It means I feel hungry. It doesn't matter if I'm fat, or if I've just ate 3 fatty burgers. My feelings are my own. I didn't make them and I can't deny that they exists. I can only take rational actions to alleviate them. Playing the "fake it" or the "it_doesn't_really_exist" game doesn't do a thing except deriving an illogical conclusion from an irrational feeling.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
For me it shouldn't be about finger pointing or the blame game, it is about negative self-talk and addressing the issues that are needed for a progressive change rather than the ones you cannot. In fact, focusing on the negativity of things you cannot change is one way you can get trapped.

Self-pity is not necessarily sorrow or feeling bad, it is more self-indulgent. In the topic I'm mainly focusing on a higher degree of self-pity with elements of entitlement "the world owes us nothing" as some self-pity can be considered healthy.

I've been reading some of the stuff online about the superego, confidence, and self-pity. For me it has been kind of enlightening, because I didn't have a clue before. Ramble, ramble.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Well, we do mold our own thoughts, perceptions, and feelings a certain way over time, the way we perceive the environment and genetic factors. Conditioning. Also, we do have some control over this, after a certain time some of the 'self-talk' becomes automatic. millenniumman touched on this with ANTs.

In response to OkdOut.
 

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For me it shouldn't be about finger pointing or the blame game, it is about negative self-talk and addressing the issues that are needed for a progressive change rather than the ones you cannot. In fact, focusing on the negativity of things you cannot change is one way you can get trapped.
Negative thoughts some times bring existing problems out of the darkness and force an open and unconventional look at things. They can strip away complacency and fuel action. Realizing the dire straits of a present condition, should become a catalysts for determination and motivation to not let such a state of affairs return or stay the way it is.

Neither I nor anyone here is against giving up hope, or accepting failure. But accurate diagnosis should be the first step in any healing process. Knowing how deep you have fallen, and how far you have deviated from the norm, sets the goal to strive towards. Pretending that things are not bad, or denying the factual reasons for our present predicaments, will only allow us to fall into the same trap again and again.

We should not fear having negative feelings or thoughts. We should fear giving into negative thoughts or fears.
 

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This is why we need to think positive no matter what. Even though it seems hard to do, if you do not believe in yourself, then no one else will. I am determined to change I Damn it, I will change!!!!!! You will too!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I agree that awareness and acceptance is good, but persistent auto-negative thoughts I think is the catalyst for many people with SA. Also, I don't suggest pretending or faking anything.
 
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