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I am 23 and my boyfriend of 5 years is 24. He is my sole social life, I have zero friends, seriously. I have successfully gone 4 years of college without ever having made a single friend, it's pathetic. Anyways... our relationship sucks. I think it's mostly my fault, I am after all a socially awkward, anxious, jealous, insecure and oversensitive basket case. Sometimes I think he is some kind of a saint for putting up with my crap. I don't know. I love him but it's more like a desperate please don't leave me and find someone you'll like better than me kind of love.

It's like an emotional roller coaster all the time. I am constantly upset and unhappy with our relationship. The things he does to make me feel this way are probably 'normal' things like him hanging out with friends instead of me or collecting pictures of girls in bikini's etc. It's not really even about him it's about me and my insanity. I know that I am not happy with him but I am not happy without him either. We broke up for awhile back in December and it ended with me self harming and on a whole lot of Atvian. I am scared that I will NEVER be happy in any relationship, that if I lose him that I will NEVER find anyone else that I will be miserable and alone.

Sometimes I wish that he would end things with me because I am not strong enough to leave him but I know if he does that it's just going to further my abandonment issues, anxiety about not being 'good enough' and self hatred. It's a lose lose situation. I stay and I am miserable & we fight a good 2 or 3 times a week. I leave and I lose my mind.
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