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To avoid typing too much, I want to express my ideas and disagreements in a concise, organized manner.

Age timeline:

0 to 12 - raised in a very low discipline household. loving family, but i could get whatever i wanted. i became addicted to solo activities such as gaming. parents would cave in to my tantrums 100% of the time.

13 - put on SSRI medication by my mother. I was told I had a disease, an imbalance by nature.

14 to 15 - wreaked havoc on my family. theft, verbal abuse. i remember feeling numb. zero sense of self-worth but the distractions were enough to keep me from ever wanting to change. saw many shrinks, all who cemented the idea in my head that what i was going through was not my fault.

16 - first girlfriend. extremely obsessive relationship. gave me my first taste of self-worth, and i wanted more but had no idea how to get it. girlfriend was very expressive and outgoing. she helped me find the courage to do a couple school plays and join choir.

17 to 19 - extremely slow progress. started to develop a sense of disgust at medication but started realizing my love for video and music. took criticism of my work extremely hard, developed the idea that i was not naturally an artist. still very lazy and entitled, though i was such a lost soul that i didnt realize it.

20 - met my current roommate. i had been casually making youtube videos and noticed that this guy i graduated with was in a video company. i bothered him to let me work for him. i wanted to develop a sense of worth and improve, though the idea of branching out terrified me. we met up, ended up moving in together and he's been a close friend of mine to this day.

he claimed to recognize talent in me. that was why i gravitated to him. but he also showed me how ****ed up my thought processes were. how i had no sense of compassion, no idea of give and take, and how i blamed everyone but myself for my problems. all this was a revelation to me.

20 to 21 - faster progress. i realized that i was in control the entire time. it was so easy to blame everything on things "out of my control". i quit my meds cold turkey and i feel fine. it feels like my mind was wound up so tight for years and now it's finally been unwound. SSRIs are a chemical solution to an emotional/mental disorder. it doesn't make sense. it bound me further.

i still have so little confidence but the happiness i feel from accepting responsibility and the occasional small victory keeps me going. I have goals, I've learned compassion.. I'm an extremely emotional person. I think most of us are.. and that sort of sensitivity is very dangerous if not nurtured correctly.

I just want to emphasize to everyone here that you are in control. i really think for many of us, we are playing this horrible, dehumanizing blame game.

please feel free to discuss, share your own timeline, etc.
 
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