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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm in this situation and could use some advice:

I'm currently living with two roommates, both of whom are popular, friendly, outgoing, funny, blah blah all that stuff. One roommate is one of the funniest people I've ever met, but (this is such a mean thing to say, but it is the truth of how I feel...) she has issues (temper, kindof judgemental) that everyone can see, no one thinks she is perfect, and so I feel more comfortable around her. I'm Ok being around her, talking to her doesn't send me into endless pointless spirals of comparing myself to her and finding myself wanting.

My other roommate is a different story. She is literally the nicest person I have ever met (in this story everyone is ____-est person ever, apparantly...). The last time I heard her say anythingeven remotely mean about anyone was on Mardi Gras(months ago). She is nice to everyone, generous, forgiving. She is able to be mad at someone but still be genuinely nice to them, she always forgives people no matter what, etc. Basically. the. perfect. person.

It seems like every other day she comes home (she is a cashier at a small local grocery store, she meets lots of regulars) talking about some guy was hitting on her, someone else said something to her about how awesome she was. Last week one of her bosses told her the store always does more business when she is working, and its probably because all the regulars come in to see her. Two weeks ago, an older (rich) male regular told her she was much too good to be working in a place like this (this is what she is telling me), she should be going back to school, and he will help pay for school for her. She turned him down, not because that's kindof skeezy, but because "there are so many people out there who need help more than she does, she doesn't care about money anyway, she doesn't want to go to school because grades are stupid and why can't we all just go learn for the joy of learning." This week, the same guy told her he is writing a book and wants to feature her in it, because she is one of the best people he has ever met because she is always friendly to everyone, and it is so rare to meet someone who says hello to everyone (direct quote). And so on.

(Momentary side rant: That is so unfair! So she's friendly! Big deal!)

She tells me all of these things and I sit there in horrified silence, every once in a while a strangled "wow, that's really awesome," thinking, "no one will ever say that about me." I can't be around her for more than 5 minutes without comparing myself to her: how much friendlier she is, how much kinder she is in her reactions to people. I rarely speak to any stranger I don't absolutely have to (speak to). When people talk to her, she sees all their good intentions. When they talk to me, I see all their bad ones.

I am trying to use this situation as a way to directly confront my low self-esteem. Every time I think "she is so much more ___ than me," I try to cut off that thought, think something good about myself, try to react as though there were no difference between us, anything to break this stupid habit. The thing is, it's not working. Half the time I don't remember my resolution, the other half, the minute I think "stop thinking like that," the only thoughts in my head are those negative thoughts. Seems like things have been getting worse since I started trying to change myself. Now not only do I feel bad about how I currently am, but I also feel bad about my inability to change, feel discouraged about how deeply entrenched these habits are, think "is it possible to truly change or will I always be the same person but with a thin veneer of niceness on top?"

So, with that long setup (sorry, I've never talked to anyone about this, it's such a relief to get it out), the problem (well, one of them lol). I have a choice to make in my life: I've been accepted into grad school here (am waiting to hear back on financial aid to see if I can afford to go), and can either begin this year and stay here for three more years, or stay here for one year and go to grad school somewhere out of state next year. There are other issues involved (the biggest being money), but I feel deeply that this is the issue, years down the road, I will see as the true deciding factor.

When I'm around other people (especially people who don't know her), I feel so much better. I still compare myself with others, but after the initial evaluation, if you will, I think "you are better at this, but I am better at *this*" and largely move on.

Sometimes I think it might be better to start fresh somehwere else (which is pretty ****ing scary), I have closer friends in the northeast and am interested in a grad school in PA, if I went there I may be happier. But, who's to say I won't meet another person like her there. And I would feel like I'm running away. I'm not really resolving anything. If I stay, I may be miserable for three years. If I go, I will always feel like I let someone else, and my own insecurity, make a decision that is way too important to be decided like that.


So, basically, your opinions on this situation? Am I missing something? How do I figure this out? Am I just thinking way way too much?
 

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It's good to be a nice person and have all these great qualities, but there is an important quality called modesty. If the person is nice, and receives great comments, and that person spends her whole time bragging about it, maybe that person is just full of him/her-self. Maybe I'm making a wrong judgement about your friend, I read the whole thing a little fast.

Anyways, what I can tell you is to stop comparing yourself to others and just compare you to you. Compare yourself now to what you were...let's say last year. Any improvement? If yes, then give yourself a high five! If no, then find ways to improve yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for reading the whole thing (however fast). There was a lot of it, that's like the longest post I've ever seen. But once I started writing I couldn't stop, and when I read it over I kept thinking, all this information is necessary! (sometimes can hardly say two words louder than a whisper, but can type for a million years)

Compared to last year, eh....

Better, I think. Maybe. We'll see. (heh heh)
 

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Thanks for reading the whole thing (however fast). There was a lot of it, that's like the longest post I've ever seen. But once I started writing I couldn't stop, and when I read it over I kept thinking, all this information is necessary! (sometimes can hardly say two words louder than a whisper, but can type for a million years)

Compared to last year, eh....

Better, I think. Maybe. We'll see. (heh heh)
Well you are entertaining to read, so I made it through :b
 

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You must stop comparing yourself to other people! It's a sure route to depression. (I know from experience.)

It sounds like you compare yourself to more people besides just her. People are so insanely different from each other, you can't accurately compare one to the other. There's no comparison. We're all unique individuals, and we're all beautiful in our own way. She's not any better than anyone else.

And she's not perfect.
 

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You must stop comparing yourself to other people; we always tend to come up on the short end when we compare ourselves to others. The thing that I am (WARNING: this will be hard to hear!) seeing most here is that you are jealous of this person, and are considering moving many states away simply because you cannot stand this person because she is everything you want to be. Rather than moving to another state to go to grad school where your low self-esteem will follow you, instead work on what is inside. You can be happy in almost any situation if you are able to get things on the inside in good order.

Since this person seems to have the qualities you want to have, instead of becoming angry with her for being "perfect," instead figure out what it is that you can do to be more like her. Even though you may find it hard to believe, you will find that you can become just like this person, but with your own personal flavor. She seems very happy in life, and you should be happy for her and doing what you need to make yourself happy in yours. As you grow in your self-esteem, you will find that you will become happier and more at peace with her, and also with yourself.

This is a major point in time in your life to be concerned about; you can turn things around and make yourself happy and have the love and approval of others you desire by changing your life for the better, or you can keep your low self-esteem and go somewhere else, only to find that people there treat you the same as they do here.

I don't mean to be rude, but sometimes things need to be said that people don't necessarily like to hear.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
You must stop comparing yourself to other people; we always tend to come up on the short end when we compare ourselves to others. The thing that I am (WARNING: this will be hard to hear!) seeing most here is that you are jealous of this person, and are considering moving many states away simply because you cannot stand this person because she is everything you want to be. Rather than moving to another state to go to grad school where your low self-esteem will follow you, instead work on what is inside. You can be happy in almost any situation if you are able to get things on the inside in good order.

Since this person seems to have the qualities you want to have, instead of becoming angry with her for being "perfect," instead figure out what it is that you can do to be more like her. Even though you may find it hard to believe, you will find that you can become just like this person, but with your own personal flavor. She seems very happy in life, and you should be happy for her and doing what you need to make yourself happy in yours. As you grow in your self-esteem, you will find that you will become happier and more at peace with her, and also with yourself.

This is a major point in time in your life to be concerned about; you can turn things around and make yourself happy and have the love and approval of others you desire by changing your life for the better, or you can keep your low self-esteem and go somewhere else, only to find that people there treat you the same as they do here.

I don't mean to be rude, but sometimes things need to be said that people don't necessarily like to hear.
How can you be rude for telling me something I've told myself a million times before? Am I jealous of her? You bet your *** I am.

I guess I spent too much time blabbering on about "how great she is" and not enough on the situation itself.

The main problem involved in chosing between grad schools is money. The school I've been accepted to, statistically, is very very stingy with financial aid. I've never made a lot of money, and have very little in the way of savings. If I don't get a lot of financial aid it's unlikely I'll be able to afford to attend here ( I won't find out for a few weeks). So I've been looking into other schools, and all the ones that offer decent financial aid are out of state.

When I'm calm, the two options are about equal in my mind. But when I start feeling bad about myself, my reaction is instantly "screw this, I'm out of here." I want to make this decision based on what's really important, but I can't seem to figure it out. Since most of my life my reactions have been based off of stupid, stupid things. Guess I'm just not used to making mature decisions lol.

When I think about staying, I have this niggling feeling that I'm punishing myself, when I think about leaving, I feel like I'm running away.

You're absolutely right; I need to get myself straight and forget about other people, make the right decision, and I've been trying to do that. But I've been chasing myself around and around in my head and now the deadline is two weeks away and am still no closer to finding out what I really want.

I have relatives and friends I feel genuine with near (two or three hours away) the out-of-state schools I'm looking at. When I think about moving away I feel relief. But is it relief at finding the Right decision, or relief at supposedly finding the magic solution to all of my problems?

Sometimes I think, here it is again, the same old self-doubt, "nothing I do or think is right, there must be some way I'm wrong about this." Sometimes I think, when there's smoke, there's fire, and if there's doubt maybe it's true.

The thing is, I don't know. The thing is, I'm sure there's at least some element of running away in that decision. But is that all it is? Is it running away if I'm running towards something good? Is it really something good?

No clue, no clue. Thus, I throw myself on the mercy of the thread. Any tips on how to figure it out?

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I think actually posting this was really helpful to me, just the idea of it. Sigh. Writing it and not showing anyone is like talking to myself, no new information. Any fresh perspectives are very, very appreciated. So, thank you :)
 

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She is not perfect, that's the one thing you need to understand, she will have her faults, things in which YOU are better at. People who came across like this can also hide very dark secrets and a simply extremely good at wearing a mask when in public. Your post reminded me of a popular news reader here who very much matched the person you explained, however beneath her smiles and apparent "perfection" she was terribly depressed and ended up committing suicide.

Now I hope she isn't like that lol, not what we need but I think you are lucky to have someone who can emit a positive vibe living with you and perhaps you should have a good talk to her about your problems and if she really is as nice as she comes across perhaps she would be willing to help you out and get some confidence flowing?
 

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How can you be rude for telling me something I've told myself a million times before? Am I jealous of her? You bet your *** I am.

I guess I spent too much time blabbering on about "how great she is" and not enough on the situation itself.

The main problem involved in chosing between grad schools is money. The school I've been accepted to, statistically, is very very stingy with financial aid. I've never made a lot of money, and have very little in the way of savings. If I don't get a lot of financial aid it's unlikely I'll be able to afford to attend here ( I won't find out for a few weeks). So I've been looking into other schools, and all the ones that offer decent financial aid are out of state.

When I'm calm, the two options are about equal in my mind. But when I start feeling bad about myself, my reaction is instantly "screw this, I'm out of here." I want to make this decision based on what's really important, but I can't seem to figure it out. Since most of my life my reactions have been based off of stupid, stupid things. Guess I'm just not used to making mature decisions lol.

When I think about staying, I have this niggling feeling that I'm punishing myself, when I think about leaving, I feel like I'm running away.

You're absolutely right; I need to get myself straight and forget about other people, make the right decision, and I've been trying to do that. But I've been chasing myself around and around in my head and now the deadline is two weeks away and am still no closer to finding out what I really want.

I have relatives and friends I feel genuine with near (two or three hours away) the out-of-state schools I'm looking at. When I think about moving away I feel relief. But is it relief at finding the Right decision, or relief at supposedly finding the magic solution to all of my problems?

Sometimes I think, here it is again, the same old self-doubt, "nothing I do or think is right, there must be some way I'm wrong about this." Sometimes I think, when there's smoke, there's fire, and if there's doubt maybe it's true.

The thing is, I don't know. The thing is, I'm sure there's at least some element of running away in that decision. But is that all it is? Is it running away if I'm running towards something good? Is it really something good?

No clue, no clue. Thus, I throw myself on the mercy of the thread. Any tips on how to figure it out?

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I think actually posting this was really helpful to me, just the idea of it. Sigh. Writing it and not showing anyone is like talking to myself, no new information. Any fresh perspectives are very, very appreciated. So, thank you :)
Well, just go where you think you will have the best education and the best overall time. What's your time frame? Do you mind waiting a while to get the money to go to grad school and instead getting a job for now or do you want to go to grad school and be done with school? I suppose you need to first figure out who will give you enough money to go to school, and if one of those schools is one you want to attend, just do it! But, you can always wait too, if you want to. It seems better to go ahead and get a masters right away, if you ask me. Being near relatives and friends you feel genuine with is probably a good thing, especially if you are wanting to recover from anxiety - the rule is that the more social support you can have, the better. I guess that I would try that number one, if it is financially feasible and has a reputation for quality financial aid and education.

Otherwise, find the next best places that will work for you in terms of relieving your anxiety, providing a quality education, and providing financial aid. It's not wrong to move away to a better place that might help you to do well in life, but it would be wrong if you were moving just to avoid this person, which is something I seem to have misinterpreted. Good luck, and let me know if anything else gives you a hard time!
 

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One thing that helps me when I compare myself to someone I admire and would want to be like, is that most people are not like them. See a girl who you think is beautiful, moreso than you? Most other girls will be jealous of her too.

And it's possible she's compensating for some insecurity by being so nice and forgiving to everyone. I don't like trying to over-analyze people but it's in my nature and it might even be unhealthy to forgive everyone for everything. Some people need to be put in their place sometimes, or not forgiven for everything, and if there were too many people like her, there'd probably be a lot more people being taken advantage of. Everyone's different, take solace in the fact that you might not be as much of a pushover.

I am in no way trying to slander your roommate, she sounds like a great person. Just saying that everyone's different. And if you admire her kindness then strive to be kind as well. Everyone has a different interpretation of what the perfect person is like, and there is nothing wrong with trying to attain that to some degree. Even with SA you can be kind to people. It might take a little longer for you to feel comfortable but
 

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I had a similar situation recently just like yourself. I got accepted to an out of state grad school that was my first choice. But in the end I had financial aid complications and had to turn them down. The program started way too early - in the summer instead of the fall - and I just didn't have enough time to get the financial aid straightened out. If the program started in the fall then I would've been able to use the summer months to figure out a solution to the finances.

Now I will be attending an in-state grad school instead because it's more financially feasible. I'm depressed about this because like yourself, I wanted to start fresh and give myself some space from a close person that I always have anxiety around (not around him but around other people when I'm with him). This person is just like your roommate, very outgoing and everyone likes him. It's just stressful always being next to this shining star.

If the finances work out then I think you will have a much better situation attending the out-of-state school since that is the one you really want to go to and you would have some support while there.
 

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Don't try to be better than anyone else. That is where we make mistakes. Just be the best you that you can be. I am not saying this to make you feel bad. I say this to make you feel better and you will.

You can't be her. You will never be her. But you can be you and you have plenty of time to improve on yourself if that is what you want. If you like her positive traits then try to use them in your own way. That is okay. Just don't hate her because you want to be like her.

I'm sure there is something that people think is good about you and you don't know it.
 
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