Social Anxiety Support Forum banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello there...I hope I have chosen the right place to post this?

Umm, for those of you are in a relationship, do you find that your SA impacts too much & places a big strain on things? I met a really nice guy over the Net a few months ago, turns out I already knew his mum a few years ago, and he lives in the next town...He is a really nice guy, but as you can imagine, I felt very nervous around him, and it is still so hard for me to believe that he actually likes me...I am a very shy person, struggle with socialising, in any shape or form...

I guess what I am trying to say is that my insecurities & super-shyness have placed such a huge strain on things, where I feel that this would not be the case in a 'normal' relationship for people that don't have SA? He was actually offended that I continually knocked back his compliments, and my low self-esteem causes problems... And has had to deal with all my mood swings, bouts of depression, (nearly ended up in hospital last month) reluctance to go out, etc...He is a very social person, and very close to his family...They are all lovely people, but I still find myself making up excuses to not visit them with him, or any of his friends...It has got to the point where they are now asking my BF if they have upset me, as I keep avoiding them...

I wish it wasn't like this...I feel so rude, and unfriendly, and just so guilty all the time...I have the biggest urge to break up with him, just because it has become so stressful to handle the anxiety over all the social interactions...Each time he encourages me to go into town, he stops & says hello to so many people, I am choking back the anxiety the whole time :( He has two Xmas parties coming up that I have no idea how to get out of, and can't stop stressing over...All I want to do is run in the other direction & hide :(

Why can't I just feel lucky to have someone? I was alone for so long before this, so I know how hard that side of it is too...

Can anyone relate to this? I do care about him, and I know I will regret it if I end things just because of the SA, but I don't know how much longer I can persist with this...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,378 Posts
My boyfriend has known that I have social anxiety pretty bad ever since we started dating and we've been together about a year now. About going into town and seeing his family and his friends, I'd just suck it up and go. I hate it too and I feel so awkward and I can't offer up barely anything to say... if he knows you have anxiety problems then he should be understanding of that. My boyfriend is also extremely outgoing and is one of those people that likes to make everyone laugh and when he was single, he would talk to every single girl at the bar. Total opposite of me. But when I'm with him I can be myself and we're both really goofy together. But whenever I go to his house and his roomates are there I get so nervous....... ah it's so annoying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hey Haydsmom :) Thankyou for replying...I appreciate your advice. I guess I do just have to 'suck it up' and make more of an effort...Generally I do try to go with him, I guess that is why I am feeling so drained by it all now..Too much too soon perhaps...

Sorry to hear you struggle with this too, but nice to know someone who can relate :) Sounds like you get on pretty well with your boyfriend...Hope the anxiety improves for you in the future :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
165 Posts
I've been in that boat before. Dated a guy for two years after liking him for a year and a half- I was too shy to even look at him for that first year and a half, lol, and hardly talked to him the first couple of months that we did date. And I could NEVER talk to his mom or sister, I was sooo nervous around them! But things got better in time, and after a while, he was the one I could always turn to and confide in because I felt completely comfortable with him, which helped me be more comfortable with his friends and family. So just give it time and keep trying, try not to avoid too much, but don't push yourself too hard either. Do what feels right- not what feels safe! Good luck! =]
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hey hmf22...Thankyou :) I really appreciate hearing your experience with this...Maybe it goes without saying that SA sufferers will no doubt struggle with a new relationship, purely because it is all about social interactions & putting yourself out there..?? It is like an exposure exercise all by itself, lol...

I'm glad to hear things got better between you & the guy you were dating...Must have been kind of nice when you began to feel more comfortable around him, and eventually his friends/family...Would have given you some sense of mastery/success over this thing, I hope? :)

Oh, and I love the last comment you wrote...'Do what feels right - not what feels safe'...You are so spot-on there! It is all too easy to stick to doing what is safe, instead of considering what may be the 'right' thing to do - even if that does mean putting up with extra anxiety just to make an effort for your partner...

I will keep your advice in mind next time I'm stressing out over this...Thanks again! :)
 

·
Your Assumptions
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Have you discussed SA with your boyfriend? His family seem to be good people, so you or he could eventually inform them of your difficulties so they no longer attribute any avoidance to other causes. If you get others to help you out, it might make attending social events less stressful.

They could help you come up with alternatives when dealing with the situation, such as having a quiet room for you to take refuge in when things get too much, or setting a minimum time limit for socialising of, say, 1-2 hours as a goal. That way, you might not feel trapped in social situations that drag on indefinitely and end up drained.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Have you discussed SA with your boyfriend? His family seem to be good people, so you or he could eventually inform them of your difficulties so they no longer attribute any avoidance to other causes. If you get others to help you out, it might make attending social events less stressful.

They could help you come up with alternatives when dealing with the situation, such as having a quiet room for you to take refuge in when things get too much, or setting a minimum time limit for socialising of, say, 1-2 hours as a goal. That way, you might not feel trapped in social situations that drag on indefinitely and end up drained.
Hello :) I have tried to discuss my SA & other issues with my bf, but he just does not seem to understand...He actually laughed at me the other day when I said I was so stressed about all the Xmas parties coming up that I could barely sleep...He thought I was joking :( 'They are only people...They won't bite, you know'...Hmmmmmmmm...:um

I have also spoken a little bit to his Mum about my anxiety, but I then recieved a phone call yesterday from his sister telling me to 'keep my cards a bit closer to my chest'...Warning me that her Mum talks to everyone about everything...Oh joy :( I kind of had a huge arguement with my bf last night, he walked out & we haven't spoken since, so I'm not sure this is even going to last...

Thankyou so much for your advice though...I like your time limit idea, and having a room to escape into...Very welcome tips! :)
 

·
Your Assumptions
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
Sorry to hear about the argument. Have you considered giving him written or other information to convey the seriousness of the condition; for example, books on SA by qualified psychologists, or shown him clinical descriptions of social phobia from the DSM-IV (diagnostic manual)?

One very good source of information for him would be video. Here's a lecture on social phobia/SAD given by a psychiatrist:

Maybe even consider printing out parts of this thread or others.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top