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I am a part of this social group for Aspergers. The majority of us live in the buildings next to the meeting place.
And every Wednesday and every third Friday we get together and hang out. We have an Art Club, which I'm going to tomorrow. And all other sorts of activities.

I always (well, 90% of the time) have a great time.
The 10% is because I'm extremely vulnerable to everything. If someone doesn't hear that I've just spoken to them, I convince myself that they must hate me or they wouldn't even notice if I never showed up again.
The social workers working there keeps telling me that I'm very well-liked.
But I don't believe that. For the most part, they answer me when I speak to them, I feel like I'm a part of the group, and a few times people have even asked me over to their place. Which makes me very happy.

But I can never shake off this feeling that nobody cares about my existence. I tell myself every time they speak to the others and I'm not a part of it: "Of course, why would they even want to speak to you? They don't care about you. You're nothing. You're air to everyone."

With all these thoughts in my head, the problem arises several days before I'm going to one of the activities.
I can't enjoy myself 3 days before Wednesday.
My parents, the doctors and the social workers ask me why I don't do something I enjoy whenever I'm anxious, because that's when I need it the most. To do the things I like to not worry about it constantly and spending all my ressources being anxious.

But the problem is; I can't. Up to 3 days before I can't read a book. I can't watch a movie. I can't do anything I enjoy.
Because I keep telling myself; "Why do something I enjoy now, when I'm going to the activities that I'm nervous about in three days?"
Whenever I tell people this, I know it sounds silly.
But I'm restless and nervous those days leading up to Wednesday, that I can't read a book on Monday, because why should I, since I'm nervous and going to that place to days later ?

It ruins a major part of my week, so I spend an enormous amount of energy being anxious.
This restlessness has followed me for as long as I can remember.
Do you feel the same way?
Should I force myself to enjoy things on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, and I'll eventually learn it ? And not be anxious for such a big part of my life..
 
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