Social Anxiety Support Forum banner

1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
/

I am an introverted person, lonely, perfectionist, but sympathetic (maybe just trying), patient. I don't know if I am grumpy, lazy and selfish or are just years and years of chronic depression. More personal stuff on my board profile.

One girl at work approached me this week and we had lunch today. I think she insinuated to have that lunch on her firsts days at the office, but due to my inexperience I didn't catch it.
The lunch wasn't anything special, I was very nervous, but I feel it was acceptable. She is a very extroverted, talkative, sweet and a social person and controlled perfectly the flow of the conversation, just the opposite of me. I took her a week or two to have more relationships in the office. We used her native language and that didn't help me a bit because my English is very rudimentary.
Heading to the office she asked for my plans for the weekend. I am not sure is that was an insinuation to do something together or if she was only being polite. I told the truth, I might hang out with friends one day, but I don't have anything special for the other two.

I am in a decent physical shape, but we are a couple of points apart and she might be 5-7 years younger. I am attracted to her for her body and my loneliness/desperation. I am not sure what she might have seen in me, the only thing that comes to mind is that lately I was feeling more comfortable and have displayed some self-confidence, problem solving and some kind of leadership, but other than that I have no clue. I don't know if she wants something more than a meal in a country she just arrived.

The first move was hers so the next should be mine. I don't know what to do. I think it's an excellent opportunity to know someone, especially a woman, but I am afraid to lose the opportunity or do something stupid/embarrassing and be known as a freak in the office. I think I can try to hang out with other coworkers and her, but I don't feel confident enough to ask for a date. I don't know what I can offer to that relationship, I feel like a teenager.

Sorry for the length, but feels amazing just to vent it
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,005 Posts
Okay, is she not from your country? If not, where is she from? That might give a clue to the kind of cultural background she is from so that you can act accordingly.

Overall, I think you should ask her out for a coffee or something. From the look of it, it is possible that she likes you. Some girls like reserved guys. Maybe you can casually ask her what she is doing in this weekend and if she says she is free, ask if she likes to go check out some place in town or for lunch/coffee.
 

·
#_#
Joined
·
213 Posts
work and love don't mix. it can cause lots of problems at your job in the future. are you willing to switch jobs, lose your job, withstand drama/criticism from all coworkers if something goes bad between you two? what if she makes you out to be the bad guy and all of your coworkers start ignoring you, make you an outcast, pressure you to leave?

just something to think about.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
117 Posts
Some girls like reserved guys.
And, funny thing, reserved seems to become a lot more attractive with the right accent, at least where native English-speakers are concerned.

By any chance, are we talking luftslotter or Luftschlösser here? Because, either way, I'm thinking that could really work to your advantage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Okay, is she not from your country? If not, where is she from? That might give a clue to the kind of cultural background she is from so that you can act accordingly.

Overall, I think you should ask her out for a coffee or something. From the look of it, it is possible that she likes you. Some girls like reserved guys. Maybe you can casually ask her what she is doing in this weekend and if she says she is free, ask if she likes to go check out some place in town or for lunch/coffee.
She is from the US.
Last night I tried to go out in group I knew she was part of. Tomorrow she seems to have arranged another group activity, but I don't know if I should, dare or feel like.
A felt some good vibes at the beginning, but I could only position myself properly in the first pub we stayed. At some moment I felt I wasn't in control (+alcohol) or that I might indeed succeed and I chicken out. I regret not being strong enough to resist social conventions about drinking. At some moment after I left, she started drinking heavily along with another guy from the group and I don't know for sure how it ended up.

work and love don't mix. it can cause lots of problems at your job in the future. are you willing to switch jobs, lose your job, withstand drama/criticism from all coworkers if something goes bad between you two? what if she makes you out to be the bad guy and all of your coworkers start ignoring you, make you an outcast, pressure you to leave?

just something to think about.
The people at the office already knew that there might be something, I wasn't subtle when we left the office to have lunch.
I wouldn't mind changing my job if the relationship worth's it, but if something goes wrong and there is drama I don't think I would be able to handle it. I don't think changing my job would be such a big deal, I am more concerned about how it would affect me and my non-existing confidence.
I'll keep thinking about that.

By any chance, are we talking luftslotter or Luftschlösser here? Because, either way, I'm thinking that could really work to your advantage.
I don't know what you meant here :(

Thank you all
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
117 Posts
She is from the US

I don't know what you meant here :(
Only that merely being foreign is liable to increase your attractiveness, at least in the short term. In particular, a considerable amount of reserve is expected, rightly or wrongly, from Germans and Scandinavians, which is why I asked about Luftschlösser (I don't know how far the "castles in the sky" metaphor extends beyond Germanic languages, but it's not all that common in English).

Basically, character traits that might be perceived as weak and pathetic in an American can magically become charming if you're not American.

It annoys the heck out of me. :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
My personality traits seem even more uncommon in my country than in english or germanic countries :/

I had a pretty bad weekend in bed with anxiety and nausea. Two days and instead of growing a pair, the plan I decided to put in place was self-punishment and isolation from everyone at the office. Only for a ****ty opportunity lost. ****ing genius.
Now I don't know what is worse and more stupid, what I didn't do on friday, what I did today or what I'll do tomorrow.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,425 Posts
Ask her out for coffee. If it's no, then leave it at that, you didn't ask her to marry you. I'd never approach a woman at work. Too risky for me. Plus nobody's interested.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,662 Posts

Only that merely being foreign is liable to increase your attractiveness, at least in the short term. In particular, a considerable amount of reserve is expected, rightly or wrongly, from Germans and Scandinavians, which is why I asked about Luftschlösser (I don't know how far the "castles in the sky" metaphor extends beyond Germanic languages, but it's not all that common in English).

Basically, character traits that might be perceived as weak and pathetic in an American can magically become charming if you're not American.

It annoys the heck out of me. :D
Interesting thought. I wonder if that's true. Americans easily recognize shy SA fellow Americans in less than a second (at most within minutes then). So much crap and code about pose, style and way of talking.

So OP, which country are you and the coworker both in? From the sound of it, I would assume this girl is from our "good ol" USA (like they say it like that anymore in the U.S. maybe 40 years ago, my bad..SA hah) and working in your country.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,662 Posts
to add, I would also suggest what Hypestyle said. At least ask her out for more "dates" semi-informal and see how it turns out. If this is all new to you, then better to have tried than not.

I know for most of us severe SA guys, there's little chance. But you never know, just like the lotto. There's even a few guys posting here who are married and their wives put up with their SA and still they are far more blessed than those of us alone. Plus you are just 30. 30-35 , women , even attractive women I noticed were still coming up to talk to me. Only happened like maybe once or twice a year, kind of the age men look "more handsome or marriageable" or something like that. But it did happen to me, and of course i wasn't ready to go with it back then and probably lost my chance (why? maybe I didn't work hard enough to be otherwise; or it was fated I would fail anyways; or I wasn't ready etc.) and it will never happen now for me . good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
She is from the west coast I am from southern europe. I think I was quite successful hiding/concealing SAS signals/traits prior to that lunch. I had been having one or two very good weeks regarding social interactions compared with my normal self.

Today I wasn't able to keep my long face. I am too soft and can't resist when I can help someone in any way possible. After that, I felt much better. It infuriates me being able to rationalize everything but my behaviour. I'll try to focus in having a normal friendly relationship like I have with other men and woman at the office and try to learn from this.

Thanks ils25r and good luck to you too. I only wish for the nth time not having lost my ticket.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Top