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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok I'm a year older than him, I'm a virgin, he's not. I didn't need to know this and he doesn't know my "situation". Only reason it came up is because we've only really just started going out and thing's got a bit rocky so he explained to me why and told me something really bad that happened to him and how it effects him sometimes he said about having sex to feel alive. And I felt like ****. I know... that's stupid to be that self absorbed. And I said something about him today that he misinterpreted and I didn't mean in that way and he was like "I told you that?" and I just said oh never mind I didn't mean, that. I feel really threatened by it and can't stand the thought of him with anyone it makes me feel sick. physically sick, I don't like being inexperienced it's just another thing to feel threatened by. And even if/ when I do sleep with him I feel like he's got one over on me and there's still been others, why'd he have to say that. How do I shut my head off...
 

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Hiding In My Den
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I feel the same way. Thats why I only ever want to be with another virgin, I'm very very jealous :lol. Well its not just that though I want them to have the same ideals as love as me (first is their only, waiting till marriage, etc) and simular life experience. Anyway if you really really like him and don't wanna be alone you should try to deal with it...maybe talk to him about your insecurities or something. Me as lonely as I am I'd rather be alone then with someone whos not my perfect match.
 

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I feel the same way. Thats why I only ever want to be with another virgin, I'm very very jealous :lol. Well its not just that though I want them to have the same ideals as love as me (first is their only, waiting till marriage, etc) and simular life experience. Anyway if you really really like him and don't wanna be alone you should try to deal with it...maybe talk to him about your insecurities or something. Me as lonely as I am I'd rather be alone then with someone whos not my perfect match.
Personally I want that too, but realistically I probably won't be with a guy who is. #1 I'm not really religious & am not sure I want to get married, #2 there's simply not a whole lot of males with our mentality out there.

OP, I don't know the guy so I can't really comment on him personally, but if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself and judges you negatively because you are a virgin, you may find you regret it later if you decide to have sex with him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
He's a jerk. He's looking for a short term user type relationship. Dump him.
Why would you make that judgement about someone you don't know?

We've been together for weeks and it's not even come up it only did by accident. We're taking it verry slowly. He's told me about something that happened to him, which was pretty disturbing, that he's never told anyone and he's scared to get close because of it and the stuff I said was what happened three years ago. Now he doesn't really have relationships or anything and neither do I but we just clicked. He's been really open with me. And understanding, the only guy I've ever felt I can talk to AND feel that way about. He doesn't make me feel bad it's just my own insecurity but I dunno how to deal with it. And he doesn't even know I'm a virgin... that's again my own insecurity not wanting to tell anyone.

He told me what he did so we didn't just break up because of his fear and so I'd understand. It seems like we've both invested a fair amount into this, I'm not just gonna end it. And we made a promise to be honest (ahem) and to be there for eachother. I'd have these insecurities no matter what.

When you first meet someone you don't know these things about them it's not like it's written all over them. So you can say you'd rather be with someone in the same situation and I agree it's easier that way but I'm already in a relationship with him. I'm not gonna ask every guy I meet what his experience is.. you know?

I just need to shut my mind off sometimes, but can't, just realised recently how jealous I can get.
 

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To me it sounds like he's not that experienced himself. Maybe not a virgin, but enough that he felt he he has to boost his appeal in front of you. Guys don't want to come across as inexperienced so sometimes they might feel the need to express themselves. What they don't realize is it hurts to make such comments, especially when you desire to be intimate with him.

You should tell him your are a virgin. It's nothing to be ashamed of. After that things, will work out, be honest. But make him work for it ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yeah I see how guys do that lol. I don't know, don't think he's that experienced in relationships but don't know about the rest and I don't really like to hear about it. I think I'll avoid bringing it up. I've got other things I feel like I'm hiding, I'm such a secretive person and I obviously have issues. I'm not just gonna sit him down and explain everything I've not shone a light on. It's not really something that just comes up. If it does come up then maybe but...
 

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Starlight and moonbeams
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I'd really like my first time to be with a virgin, too, but the likelihood of finding a virgin my age is pretty dim. I'd at least want to date someone who would be understanding about my virginity.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Aside from who has what experience, is it not normal not to wanna hear and think about your bofriend being with someone else.?
Urgh I can't keep doing this to myself
 

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unashamed perv
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Why would you make that judgement about someone you don't know?

We've been together for weeks and it's not even come up it only did by accident. We're taking it verry slowly. He's told me about something that happened to him, which was pretty disturbing, that he's never told anyone and he's scared to get close because of it and the stuff I said was what happened three years ago. Now he doesn't really have relationships or anything and neither do I but we just clicked. He's been really open with me. And understanding, the only guy I've ever felt I can talk to AND feel that way about. He doesn't make me feel bad it's just my own insecurity but I dunno how to deal with it. And he doesn't even know I'm a virgin... that's again my own insecurity not wanting to tell anyone.

He told me what he did so we didn't just break up because of his fear and so I'd understand. It seems like we've both invested a fair amount into this, I'm not just gonna end it. And we made a promise to be honest (ahem) and to be there for eachother. I'd have these insecurities no matter what.

When you first meet someone you don't know these things about them it's not like it's written all over them. So you can say you'd rather be with someone in the same situation and I agree it's easier that way but I'm already in a relationship with him. I'm not gonna ask every guy I meet what his experience is.. you know?

I just need to shut my mind off sometimes, but can't, just realised recently how jealous I can get.
Well, it is possible that he's a horrible, cyincal b*****d who's angling for pity sex and making up that stuff about his trauma, but I hope he's not and I don't think it's likely.

In your shoes I think I'd be honest with him and tell him that you feel threatened by his experience - make sure you tell him calmly and stress that you know the feeling is irrational but you can't just switch your feelings off. Don't blame him or yourself; it's nobody's fault, just unfortunate. If you fear that you won't be able to talk about it without getting upset, it may be worth writing down what you want to say.

I don't think it's that unusual to be hyper-jealous the way you describe, but no, it's not fun. Maybe work on your own insecurities, it might help you feel less jealous?
 

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Aside from who has what experience, is it not normal not to wanna hear and think about your bofriend being with someone else.?
Urgh I can't keep doing this to myself
I don't think anyone likes to think about their boyfriend with someone else. Some of us dwell on it more than we should though (I know I do sometimes). You just have to remember that if it was so great he would be with her instead of you. Also, from what I hear guys really like virgins.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Yeah but that's in a patronizing... she's so sweet and pure and innocent way... It's not really like that I find it hard getting close to people. He actually asked me why that is and I gave him an example but it's really an on going issue.

I don't think it's a pity thing he told me what had happened and said he didn't want to see me as much because he needed to sort his head out. I don't really want to go into details to strangers because it is personal to him. And we were friends before anything else so... I don't think it's like that at all. We didn't speak for about a week I was really stressed out because I didn't know what was going on. this was after we "talked". Now we're sort of together again, he said he's sorry he's messed me about and he told me because he didn't want me to think he was just being a dick by being distant and so maybe I'd understand and so I'd maybe not leave him because he HAD been really distant. It IS very complicated so just trust me, please.

It seems like women just expect men to mess them about and be playing games and messing with their mind. He's a friend first and I honestly don't think he's playing up the pity thing. There's only one other person who knows what he told me and if you knew him he's a really happy sort of person.. it's not like he's all depressive and.. feel sorry for me. I was very surprised and I respect him for handling it so well.

See I really started this discussion about my insecurities it's just an example of how I came to be thinking about it. I'm trying to work on my insecurities but it seems like it's going to take years of training my mind I really don't know what to do it's like my head's ****ed. It's funny because he tried to slow it down.. maybe stop it because his head's been messed up and now I'm sort of thinking the same thing. It's not worth losing somebody over though I care about him now but I just know all the time that I can't handle emotions and I do stuuupid things so I don't have to deal with them. That makes it complicated for me but if I don't deal with it then I'll pretty much be alone forever, you know?
 

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Burnt-on cheese
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Yes I totally understand.

I had kind of a friend once, but I think we kind of liked each other. But for one thing I felt sooo intimidated because he said that his past was "long and scary" but after all he was "OLDER" than me. Well, still!

And when you are with a boyfriend and he enumerates the number of people he's been with so far, and speculates on how many he will have been with by a certain age... that just makes you feel GREAT!! not.

Fortunately, after these creepy events, I've fallen for an amazing person. But I agree it can be hard not to keep feeling inadequate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I feel so ****ing sick.
Just went out with him and some friends. His friend was only a little bit tipsy, he goes "Laura are you a virgin?" so I'm like "WHAT?!" then he starts laughing. How can it be that obvious to people... I dunno but just learned that he's a bit of a freak like that so... Heard some things about the bf I didn't need to hear knowing he's experienced is one thing but hearing about it and in that manner. I feel violently ill. I shouldn't have gone, I know how guys are when they're together. He asked me to go for a drink just with him after so I did thinking I'll try and rectify this. It was hard to let him touch me and he's like "what's wrong?" "is something wrong?" "if something's wrong you CAN tell me?" I just feel like throwing up and I probably will thanks to my fabulous eating disorder. ****ing hate this. I can't stand... feelings. kept drinking, just felt sicker, thinking. I'm home now and not nearly drunk enough. Gonna keep drinking till I'm trashed and stop thinking and maybe throw up. But I can't tell him, ANY of this, it's like I'm now destined to be alone. I can't be with him the same way knowing what I know and I just told him he doesn't know ME that well. He said so what, I like what I do know. I like him and care about him and get on with him... WHEN it's just us. But hearing things and seeing it.. on him. I feel sick.
 

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unashamed perv
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Aw, poor you *hugs* That friend of his was totally out of order. He's got no right to ask you something like that, and that doesn't mean it's obvious, it just means that the guy's a rude, ignorant git. Guys en masse can be pretty scary, intimidating, horrible. I've studiously avoided my boyf's mates for a long time! Did your man come to your defence when his mate asked if you were a virgin? He should have done, but I think sometimes perfectly nice guys are a bit rubbish about standing up to their mates:

"Look, he killed your mother, burned down your house and raped your cat, aren't you going to say something to him?"
"Nah. He's me mate."

Um. I digress. Alcohol is a depressant, it's not really going to help you. Hope you feel better soon.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Yeah.. I know it is... I just don't know how else to stop the thinking. Well I've just been drunkenly texting him. Just to ask if he got home alright then it led to me saying how I'd heard stuff I didn't necesarily want to hear... him seeming slightly offended... and trying to explain to him. I don't know, I think your idea of writing it down was a good idea but I don't know how to excecute that plan. To be honest I wish I'd never got involved with him and I Just told him... he shouldn't have got involved with me. I told him I have "emotional problems". I'm so SICK of having emotional meltdowns on my own I can't stand this it's stupid. I feel so sick though. I want someone and I thought he could be that person... he's really into me and I feel like I've been there for him but what's that worth? maybe we should've just stayed friends... it was HIM who made it more. I can't ****ing stand this though what's wrong with me? :(...
And no he said nothing when his friend said that... i don't know if he even knows what's what ... Madison_Rose Thank you I appriciate your help SO much. Just I'm SO sick of this ****.
xx
 

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unashamed perv
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You're welcome, honey, I like to help :)

From your previous posts about him, he sounds like a good guy. Don't panic, stay strong! I suggest you stop texting him and sleep on it, hopefully things will look a bit better in the morning.
 

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Well I thought it was a pity sex play he was making also too. Sex is not about "feeling alive" first but about the other person first. I thought that was rude to say. It is also about safe sex, making sure someone is disease free and preventing pregnacy, making someone feel comfortable when you touch, not uncomfortable.

Look, some guys have two sides and one is a bad one and one is a very good one and it can confuse you. If that is the case, you are better off without him in peace than with him with all this drama on highs/lows. Peace is sometimes confused with boring if someone hasn't had it in a while and they overlook it as the good state it is. Peace is good, very very good.

Not really sure what exactly is happening here as you have two very sharp feelings about this man. Hopefully, like the OP said you can sort it out in the morning and see what to think and do here. I think he is insenstive and you are worth more. I don't think you are too sensitive but that you are normal and he is insensitive.
 
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