As a kid in elementary school I vividly remember sitting in the far side of the school where no children or adults were ever at, I remember just staying there and not ever talking to anyone. Perhaps it was a estimation of what I would become.
A consistent sense of self is a privilege some biological beings get to experience. For others, life is but a confusing shoegaze. All they can do really is sing with the ambient. They never know the lyrics of their own songs. They live alone and die confused. They are too empty to be sad. The music of the world swept their soul away, long ago. They are also very narcissistic ... since they can't be bullied out of their emptiness ... and don't exist.
Lol, why am I being poetic, I just like the song.
There are two types of people though imo, those who don't have a self, and those who claim they do. 🤷♀️
One of the neighbor's white floofy siberian husky always greets us hyperactively through the side gate when we walk by. That dog seems like it's barely walked for as long as I remember. Each time I see it, it gets more and more portly. I know they also have two teenage boys living there and I always seem them just running out to the adjacent soccer field to kick balls. I wonder why they couldn't have just bring their dog along for it to run around as they kick the ball around.
#deardiary (It got too rambley I only wanted to post the bird video at the beginning lol)
My mom & sis saved this creature that was abandoned by its mother. They took care of it, fed it and kept it comfortable etc for days. Eventually it died anyway.
My mom got upset for a while after. I honestly didn't feel anything really. Empathizing with other living things (including most people) has become something I have to remind myself to do. I wasn't always like this, and I don't really mind the change much. I never used to do anything with my empathy.
This incident was weird though because when I was ~ 17 or so, I remember there was also a little bird that was abandoned by its mother and I felt devastated by it. I tried to feed it but it wouldn't eat (now I know it's not easy to feed them when they're so young. [They had to get tubes and a syringe and baby food and stuff with the one that died recently]). Anyway, I wrote this emotional poem about the little thing that died back then. I felt a lot guilt and a kind of emotional empathy I donno.
I just don't see the point of feeling empathy towards something just because it happened to cross my way. Millions and millions of creatures (including humans) are suffering at this very moment. Just because I can't see them doesn't mean their pain isn't less real.
I'm not a psychopath I think. I mean I feel empathy for my cat but because he's MY cat. I sort of just not think about other suffering cats because there's really nothing I can do for them anyway.
Also, I'm not a vegan (and my family isn't either) so empathy with a random bird doesn't seem genuine to me anyway.
But I don't like to think about that either.
I don't think I've become more narcissistic/self-centered over the years. I don't think people's personality changes that much as they get older. I think I always was self-centered, just sort of couldn't accept it most of the time because it's a very unattractive trait.
I feel like I just care less about people in general. So few people ever liked me anyway regardless of the different personas I tried to embrace. So why not just be me I guess? Why have a persona at all? It never really helped to not be honest. And my personas are all really me anyway just very restricted versions.
Also, I do not hate myself. This is just a fact. I don't think I ever think of myself as 'lonely', just 'alone'. I've talked about this a lot before but I think "aloneness makes you dysfunctional". It doesn't matter how you feel about being disconnected from the social world. At the end of the day, you sort of need other people to help you figure out stuff (unless you have really high IQ or have some special innate trait).
Okay, let me qualify that a bit. I think I do feel lonely, just not in the sense that most people do. I was looking up some old sketches to see how I really feel about this. I think the feeling is always mixed with the knowledge that no one will relate and that the need cannot really be fulfilled [not because I'm unlikable (I mean I am, but that's NOT the reason).It's more a square-peg in a round-hole thing. I do not relate to people any more than they relate to me).
I like funeral doom metal a lot. I've talked about this a lot. But it's almost a spiritual thing. Also, it's something people don't relate to and have sort of figured it out myself (I mean there was one person that introduced me to doom, but funeral is a more specific feeling). I tend to fall back to my funeral playlist if I'm feeling disconnected from myself.
I mention this since the drawings I've found all have funeral lyrics so that's kind of consistent with how I feel.
lol, I kinda forgot about this song. I don't even know what that lyrics is about, eh, I just pay attention to the music mostly:
(I really like everything about funeral tbh, even the cheesy elements, lol. I mean look at how many views the song has, it's not like there are millions of people who care :''D Not even sure why these bands bother existing, lol).
Speaking of not hating myself. I was looking up drawings a few days ago and found this one. It's from a huge collection I have called "keep the universe clean" with the same elements: suicide + the three birds
I'm not suicidal, don't encourage it and don't really draw suicidal stuff anymore, but if I were this one probably represents me more than the rest (they mostly involve someone crying or feeling distressed). I think this one is more irl me than most too. [the way I sit + always wearing socks + my literal cat]. I guess keeping the universe clean doesn't mean you have to be convinced you are filth. It's just recognizing how other people see you this way.
I also like this one because the imaginary doorway leads to some form of heaven. It doesn't depress me looking at it. I don't feel sorry for myself the way I used to. I think partly because when you're feeling sorry for yourself, you are sort of signaling to other people that you are in distress and need "something" (this is loneliness basically). But if you already feel like you're a round hole and all you see are square pegs, it's pointless to waste that amount of energy, lol. You can just distract yourself or do something you like or something you need to do.
I do believe that emotions are (at least to huge extent) a form of subconscious signaling. If you lived alone on an island and knew you're never seeing another person again, you should experience a shift in how you emote, imo, since you won't be subconsciously signaling for anything.
(I could post more, but most of them are naked [I love nudity, but forum rules and such] and they don't give the same vibes if I cover them up)
This song isn't funeral though (everything I say is basically only half true, that's kind of how my brain works). It's close though:
This is probably the only good DSBM song imo. (well one of the few good ones anyway).
The transition from "screamy pathetic thing" vocals to human vocals at ~ 5:30 - 6:00 is very artfully done imo. Also, whoever made that lyrics video is very talented I M O. But my opinion doesn't matter much anyway. : P (Also, I'm adding quotes because I don't think it's pathetic, just how normal people react I guess).
Also, even though the song is about loneliness ("I craved your warmth, But it was too late. Too late you realized, That I was in the cold."), the music that comes afterward (6:30 - 9:00) is the sound of "aloneness" and not "loneliness" [kind of like a post-people world vibe]. It doesn't sound too sad or pathetic, imo. 💜
okay enough rambling. I kinda wish I had an actual diary. But it doesn't really work with me unless there's a possibility of other people reading it. Otherwise I get too "post-language" and just start writing incomplete sentences and can't really control how my private language evolves or devolves really. [I don't really talk to people much, so I'm prone to just making up new words or concepts all the time, but then I get lost in my own linguistic soup. Writing here or on FB helps me ground my thoughts in some kind of linguistic form (even if not perfect), because I subconsciously know other people can read it, even if I'm not sure if I want them to or not.
Went out with some people at work last night and they took some "group photos" before we went home.
I was sort of horrified by the way I look. I mean it's one thing to be ugly, and another to be really ugly.
I think taking selfies and looking in the mirror even can sort of give you the illusion of looking 'okay' because your brain can sort of ignore all but the one angle where your face doesn't look horrifying.
Then again, it seems too shallow to hate myself for being ugly. I mean I've always known that. I just keep forgetting it and other people taking photos of me always reminds me of it. hmm.
Also, sort of realized my hair doesn't work anymore. I was kind of hoping it could still work for another year or too, but it just looks weird I might just get a buzz cut from now on. Or just stop caring I guess.
(Start Rhino rant)
I posted something about white northern rhinos yesterday, and it's gotten me thinking of reconnecting with that animal. I mean I've connected with different animals/living things over the years.
trees - rhinos - peacocks - archaeopteryx - two different types of worms - chicken worm hybrid thing too
(I guess to a lesser extend pigs and lionesses). Not sure if I ever connected with cats though. My first worm had cat wiskers though because it was a worm-cat hybrid. Cats mean "innocent cute humans" though, and I was denied that by someone else, but that's a different story ranted about it before.
Also, butterflies, mermaids, and merflies obviously (see avatar 😅 , these aren't really animals though)
Also, lol, I'm linking doom songs I guess, because this post is getting too long anyway
^ really good song btw. Not that anyone would agree.
Anyway, back to rhinos,
I've never drawn myself as a rhino before though, maybe I should explore that. I have some connection in my head between rhinos and unicorns. Rhinos having unicorn souls or something like that. Hm. I guess I could explore that for coping. *
I mean tbh Rhinos are objectively ugly. If you do a google image search. You can see most of the photos they look fat and generally look aggressive and have ugly faces. Professionally shot "cool" photos though can look nice, like the ones I posted in the animal thread yesterday.
Can't link the photo for some reason. Hm. I think this particular rhino was cute though. lol, not sure if it has anything to do with him being the last male of his species and being too old and with a broken horn. He just looks so cute tbh in most of the photos I've seen.
Was gonna post this in "what's bothering you right now" lol and then realized it's probably spam, plus I don't seem that bothered by it now that I've ranted. I mean it's not like I haven't known that I was so f'ing ugly. It's just that I keep suppressing it, but I guess if old ugly rhinos can have cute souls, then so can I. F* the real cats.
* no wait. Unicorns don't really have good connotations in my sort of weird disjointed mythology. They are sort of interchangeable with "real cats" (I don't mean irl cats, lol, "real cats" are a mythological creature that sees that other people are not "cute or innocent enough" to be cats for all the wrong reasons (e.g. "real cats don't cry"). [they are also stand for other things but not getting into that here. real cats are sort of a big thing for me, lol, not in a good way]