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Discussion Starter #1
I am putting this in secondary disorders because it could be related to sexual dysfunction, and relationships says no sex (for some reason), but I don't see anything wrong with bringing it up here.

I am wondering if anybody else out there had body-issue or health related problems growing up that prevented them from ever becoming sexually open after puberty like everyone else is. I don't know if it has caused me to have a sexual dysfunction or not, or if I just have always had problems with intimacy because of my fear about performance. I'm 23 and I don't view sex the same way as everyone else that I know. I never was that horny, and I think even if I was I wouldn't be open to having sex, even though I'm not a virgin.

Does this sound familiar to anybody at all?

How can you become more open about this kind of thing? I feel like everyone I know is entering open relationships and friends with benz, but I am super monogamous and could never view my sexuality lightly.
 

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Yeah, I have a similar issue in kind of a different way. I'm not all that into sex, and I'm kind of conservative about sexuality in public. I really don't see the need for people to show of their bodies all the time and "express" their sexuality (some say I'm repressed and uptight, I say they're obnoxious). But yeah, I do have a bit of a problem with having sex a lot. I tend to meet people online, have some awkward chit chat for a few minutes and then go to business, but it's not really because I want sex, it's because I have very few friends (only one who lives within a 50 mile radius of me) and I have a hard time finding a relationship, so I just go for what I'm good at (not to be taken as a boast, I just find it easier to have sex than to actually connect). But yeah, I so prefer monogamy to open, and I would prefer not to rush into things and have sex on the first date. So yeah, I know where you're coming from.
 

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Born Of Blotmonað
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I never was horny or that curious for that matter during puberty so while friends were starting to have relationships I just kept to myself mostly. I did have a couple short lived relationships for appearance more than anything but nothing came of it sexually. Highschool was the same thing, it just never really crossed my mind all that much, if/when it did I didn't have the courage to act on it. The chance I did have to become sexually active I simply couldn't get into it, I believe it was a combination of performance anxiety plus disinterest in the gal.

In terms of my personal view I think I fall into the more conservative category, I have no clue how to handle overt sexuality for the sake of "expression". I simply find it hard to be open about it because there's little to be said if you're lacking in experience.

I've been alone for quite some time now so I think it would take a patient person to ease me into a relationship & open me up emotionally/sexually
 

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Yeah, I think that I'm the same way. The fact that I withdraw so much has made me believe that I will never have a chance at intimacy again. I don't think of being with guys all that much. I'm definately attracted to guys, though. Being sexual is not something that I look forward to. It seems to complicate relationships.

Though, if it's the right person or someone that I've come to trust, I enjoy this aspect of life that I miss out on by not letting anyone near me.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Wow, I'm really glad there's already this many responses. Thanks guys. I've been on asexuality sites for years, but I've really outgrown them, and find myself being like "no, I'm something different than this". I used to hate sex, but that was because I wasn't interested and then I had some bad relationships when I was younger.

It always felt unnatural to me too. Kind of like public speaking.

I always felt like I could be openly sexual with someone on my level about it, but have come to realize nobody probably is. Especially where I'm female and either males have an intense libido, or I am not attracted to them, which is usually the case. Coming to my young to mid twenties though, I'm finding everyone around me is becoming really open to polygamy and casual relationships and stuff. It's all about sexual expression, and I just can't relate. I feel really left out and pretty confused actually! I've tried casual sex too, and it feels so absolutely wrong to my self. Never gets very far. The cons always outweigh the pros, and I find I can't trust someone intimately if I'm not absolutely in love with them, which is rare. And I always find myself breaking off relationships as soon as I come to realize I don't feel comfortable with the sexual aspect. Pretty much always makes me uncomfortable. The worst is that people are always trying to make their sex lives more exciting by adding all these kinks and stuff, but even the most conservative aspects of it is too intense for me to handle. I also really hate porn, and can't ever tell anyone how uncomfortable it makes me (also angry) because I know they don't really understand my view-point.

I think this is one of my biggest hang-ups in life right now. Maybe once all my friends are finally married and settled it won't be so bad, and I can happily live the rest of my life out alone and content-ish, because probably my ideal soul mate does not exist!
 

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I'm 18/female. I haven't had sex yet, although I am definately sexually interested. I haven't even been in a relationship yet. This isn't so unusial, really, when compared to this forum (no offence) or even people i know (i know at least four girls who haven't had sex/a relationship).

The problem is that I have a very very hard time with intimacy. A healthy portion of it, I'm sure, is that my father molested my sister for years and I'm kind of feeling the aftershock of that (while she isn;t...).

Most girl hug guys, hold hands with their friends, etc. Even when drunk I cannot hug a guy. I only hug girls if they hug my (i more stand there). I have only ever held hands once...with a girl, and she grabbed my hand.
Most of the time, if someone (especially male) even comes close to me or god forbid actually brushes me, I turn very tense, distant, and still.

While initiating sex for the first time is awkward for nearly everyone, hugging and holding hands usually isn't. I am so afraid that I will never get to that step for the same reason i can never bring myself to talk to people: I'll find a reason to leave the situation. I also don't even know if (continuing with my SA the way it is now) I could have sex really. I would just sit there, too afraid to show any sort of emotion. THe mind is powerful, it can cut through the most pervasive highs.

That being said, I agree with the whole "overt sexulity=obnoxious". I'm always kind of shocked when i see non-****ty girls wearing really low shirts, or people like dry-humping in the hallways. I think it's hotter (to sound stupid) to keep it behind closed doors.
 

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I have a really hard time talking about this kind of thing.

Of course i want sex.

But everyone is SO open about these things, its very embarrasing.

Why cant people get on with their lives, and shut up about it basically. Its like we are made to feel bad, because lots of people are obsessed with talking about sex.

I cannot believe it when i see people outside acting and talking the way they do.

I think its hard for me to "open up", because i dont think being random and open is a good idea. I'd rather have a meaningful relationship. I couldn't just go out "on the pull".
 

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king of the road
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I'm not scared to talk about my sex life, or to talk about sex in general, but I do think casual sex is wrong. I also think it's wrong to talk about it with someone that doesn't want to hear it, and/or to talk about it when you know the person that you were intimate with wouldn't want you talking about it. Sex is a wonderful thing, but it loses all meaning when it's not with someone that you love.
 

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We never talked about that sort of thing at home when I grew up, which made me believe it's something to be ashamed of.
I don't feel any attraction either (towards anyone), it's like I'm a robot or something. And even that doesn't feel bad, it feels ... like nothing. Something's definitely dead inside me. Meh. :|
 

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Discussion Starter #11
It's nice to hear that so many people are in the same boat because when you're growing up and really isolated you always think that you're the only person who feels like that. I also always thought it was "something to be ashamed of" and thought casual sex was blasphemous. But now , I don't know, I kind of feel like everything that other people do is perfectly normal and natural, just for some reason I can't experience it like they do. I think people talk about sex in this way where they kind of talk it up and brag about it as something that's larger than life, when really it's just these individual experiences they had that they weren't very sure about when they were happening. But when people talk they always talk like they were so sure about themselves and everything each and every moment. Kind of makes you feel left out or something, because they're not talking about the way their experiences really felt. Just trying to make a story out of it.

But I don't think there's any wrong way to go about it. Like I know a lot of people who are really polyamorous, and that makes me feel really uncomfortable for some reason, and I'm always fearing that nobody in the world is monogamous like I am, so that would put me in danger in some way. But I guess that every person's view about sex is actually pretty unique and you can't really get into any stigma about it.

But at the same time it sucks that the world has all these decided trends and concept about the way we should think about sex and relationships.

I'm just ranting. But I would never want to see a sex therapist. Those people seriously creep me out, and I feel like they would try to tell me things about sex that I wouldn't agree with. Or about how I should go about discovering the way things are in a certain way when we all have our own unique path to find it by.
 

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I don't feel sexually attractive to women, so I have a hard time being sexual.
Bingo. I definitely have a sex drive, I'm a typical sexually frustrated male, but put me in front of an attractive woman and I'll just play dead and hope she goes away.

Then again, I've never really known a single person who was "open" about their sexuality. I heard a couple guys in college talking about their girlfriends or hookups, which I thought was distasteful, but frankly I can empathize with why they'd want to brag about it. Most of my friends are either eternally single like I am, or got married right after high school. And of course, I don't have any female friends who aren't married. So it's a mystery to me where all these sexually freewheeling people exist, I'd like to meet some of them.
 

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I have a few issues (aside from the obvious not being able to communicate with women I find attractive)...

1. I spent a few years battling a recurring pilonidal cyst. The last surgery I had was technically a plastic surgery procedure, and in short, it left me without an a$$crack. I am NOT comfortable naked, at all.

2. I have zero desire for casual sex. I'm not a "no sex until marriage" type of person (mainly because I'm never getting married), but I don't understand the desire to have sex with somebody only to forget about the person the next morning. For me, sex is meant to be with somebody you love.

3. Like some above, I also have a problem with how open some people are about it. After the very few times I've found myself in a bar, I've been asked by somebody the next day, "did you get laid last night?", as if whether I did or not is that person's business.
 

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Ive often thought their must be something wrong with me because I get the horny part, but when Im 'taking care' of that, I feel nothing, its like all emotion disappears. Ive been with my man 5 years and I know it has nothing to do with him, but he feels like its his fault. I was like this before I met him.
Although I went through a 'promiscuous' stage in my life during my teens, even then, it wasnt sexually motivated and I got no pleasure out of it. I think my partner thinks that 'she had so much sex before me, it must be my fault'.
Ive spoken to my psych about this and how I just dont feel anything before, during and after sex. She thinks it has something to do with being sexually abused. But I dont think it does. That doesnt affect me anymore. Or maybe it does? I have no idea and I dont really care. All I know is, I feel nothing. I think now, Ive given up on sex all together. Sometimes I just forget about it until my partner nags me and I feel bad for him.
(As you can tell, Im pretty open about this)
 

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I have no problem expressing myself sexually if I'm in some sort of a relationship. It's just the... heartache/mental pain that I associate with it that really kind of shuts me off to it. I just don't want to feel vulnerable and used... ever. And honestly, the risks involved with it do bother me.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I also think it's gross when guys are talking about making girls cum. It also feels like a machoism thing sometimes. Sometimes I want to tell them they didn't make the girl cum, that's a natural reaction when a girl is stimulated. Ugh. I also have had gender issues I think. I hate when guys try to be macho about sex. But I also hate when girls try to be macho about sex as well. And they do. It's gross. I don't want to hear about hand jobs you give. That's just me though. I know some people love hearing about that stuff. But I think it's really vulgar.
 

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Born Of Blotmonað
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The mind is powerful, it can cut through the most pervasive highs
Slightly off topic but that's a great quote!

...I kind of feel like everything that other people do is perfectly normal and natural, just for some reason I can't experience it like they do. I think people talk about sex in this way where they kind of talk it up and brag about it as something that's larger than life, when really it's just these individual experiences they had that they weren't very sure about when they were happening. But when people talk they always talk like they were so sure about themselves and everything each and every moment. Kind of makes you feel left out or something, because they're not talking about the way their experiences really felt. Just trying to make a story out of it.
As a guy I feel the storytelling aspect comes into play because it's a manliness thing where lack of experience/stories detracts or in some cases declares you void of it completely

Bingo. I definitely have a sex drive...but put me in front of an attractive woman and I'll just play dead and hope she goes away.
This is true of me too, I have so much trouble even making myself attempt to engage a gal whether to ask her out or simply flirt to make her feel nice. This regardless of my anxiety levels, even when calm my communication skills via flirting are quite poor(actually they poor in all areas really)

I just don't want to feel vulnerable and used... ever
For me this is an issue for the whole package, relationships, intimacy, & sex. It's one reason I struggle to bring my self to attempt one or all, I fear that allowing vulnerability on my part will transform itself into a matter of leverage rather than passion

I also think it's gross when guys are talking about making girls cum. It also feels like a machoism thing sometimes. Sometimes I want to tell them they didn't make the girl cum, that's a natural reaction when a girl is stimulated. Ugh. I also have had gender issues I think. I hate when guys try to be macho about sex. But I also hate when girls try to be macho about sex as well. And they do. It's gross. I don't want to hear about hand jobs you give. That's just me though. I know some people love hearing about that stuff. But I think it's really vulgar.
Interestingly when it comes to talking about sex I think I'm capable of having a legit conversation if my lack of experience isn't an issue. Though in most cases I agree that elaborate details are vulgar I do watch porn & as a matter of a preference discussion one on one I think I might be able to do so without feeling much discomfort. I once had a conversation with someone from this board on msn about sexual preferences in pornography & it was fascinating because it was void of any sort of bragging, it was simply 2 people sharing without judgment. I found it to be both insightful & liberating, being able to carry on about sex without any negatives such as "you haven't any knowledge of what you're on about" or "only the experienced can have opinions" kind of vibes involved. It was like a conversation about sports or films or whatever in it's flow. Eventhough it was online it was a unique experience in my books
 

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Funny how a lot of people on this thread are bothered by casual sex/relationships. Although I've recently admitted to myself I'm asexual and am disgusted by the thought of engaging in sex myself, I'm far from being a prude in conversations as long as my personal experience (or lack of) doesn't come up; and if I *was* sexual, I'd actually be into the whole casual, no-strings-attached sex/relationship. Things are just less complicated when it's only about fulfilling a physiological need and nothing more.
But that's just me.
 

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The problem is that I have a very very hard time with intimacy.

Most girl hug guys, hold hands with their friends, etc. Even when drunk I cannot hug a guy. I only hug girls if they hug my (i more stand there). I have only ever held hands once...with a girl, and she grabbed my hand.
Most of the time, if someone (especially male) even comes close to me or god forbid actually brushes me, I turn very tense, distant, and still.

While initiating sex for the first time is awkward for nearly everyone, hugging and holding hands usually isn't. I am so afraid that I will never get to that step for the same reason i can never bring myself to talk to people: I'll find a reason to leave the situation. I also don't even know if (continuing with my SA the way it is now) I could have sex really. I would just sit there, too afraid to show any sort of emotion. THe mind is powerful, it can cut through the most pervasive highs.
Switch the genders and I am the same. But I don't know why I have a problem talking about sex or even in non-sexual touching situations.

It is kind of annoying because I think sex is ok and I will listen to (or watch) anything and not have a problem with it in real life, but when I imagine being involved, I have major anxiety issues still.
 
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