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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Here is my reason.

Im not sure how many of you were SHY growing up.

But im pretty sure my social anxiety started when in school settings suddenly I COULDN'T be shy. There was no time for it and too much forced social interaction


So in order to deal with that.. since you can't be fricking shy... you develop SA.
 

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School and peer pressure was a part of the reason for me. I'm not sure what caused most of it though, I know there were many contributing factors for me :|
 

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I was always shy, ever since kindergarten but it was early on in high school when I really began having trouble talking to people. Environment mixed with genetics.
 

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S.T.A.L.K.E.R.
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Stunted social skills in childhood, the death of a parent, an abusive stepfamily, leading to weak friendships, serious mistrust, and isolation throughout my youth.

I don't think school bullying had so much to do with it, but I might have repressed a heck of a lot of traumatic memories of nastiness at school. Yet whatever it is, the bullying was nowhere near as bad as my hypersensitivity to everything and my complete awkwardness in social situations. It probably got worse as I became more self-aware and conscious of my surroundings. As a result dealing with other people perpetually confuses and scares me.
 

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The link in the signature at the bottom of my post will explain how most people get SA (by most, I mean at least 51% of SA sufferers).

Lifetimer
 

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The link in the signature at the bottom of my post will explain how most people get SA (by most, I mean at least 51% of SA sufferers).

Lifetimer
Hmm, I was initially suspicious of what you were posting, but I think you're genuine even if the whole concept of toxic shame doesn't activate any circuits with me.

I have alot of embarrassing memories I would rather forget, for sure. Yet for all that, I've come to accept a lot of them. I've been exposed to a ton of shame throughout my life. I've told a few people about all my shame, spilled out my heart. Guess what, I still have social anxiety. There are multiple dimensions that you have to look at...
 

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Iam building a religion
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Here is my reason.

Im not sure how many of you were SHY growing up.

But im pretty sure my social anxiety started when in school settings suddenly I COULDN'T be shy. There was no time for it and too much forced social interaction

So in order to deal with that.. since you can't be fricking shy... you develop SA.
your wrong.....consult the toxic shame thread.
 

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Iam building a religion
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The link in the signature at the bottom of my post will explain how most people get SA (by most, I mean at least 51% of SA sufferers).

Lifetimer
ha ya beat me to it.
 

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Hmm, I was initially suspicious of what you were posting, but I think you're genuine even if the whole concept of toxic shame doesn't activate any circuits with me.
LainToWired,

I had to chuckle a bit when I saw what you wrote in your quote above. You said: "toxic shame doesn't activate any circuits with me." However, you've already listed 2 things in an earlier post that definitely has caused toxic shame in people:

1. abuse within your family (regardless if it was your stepfamily or biological family)
2. being bullied

For sure, those are not the only possible sources of how a person gets toxic shame, but those specfic 2 things have been talked about by John Bradshaw as sources of how a person gets toxic shame. So not only do you have one source of toxic shame right off the bat that I see, but you actually have at least 2 sources.

I have alot of embarrassing memories I would rather forget, for sure. Yet for all that, I've come to accept a lot of them. I've been exposed to a ton of shame throughout my life. I've told a few people about all my shame, spilled out my heart. Guess what, I still have social anxiety. There are multiple dimensions that you have to look at...
You have to first understand that 'toxic' shame and 'regular' shame are not the same thing. They are very different. Toxic shame is not about having "alot of embarrassing memories". Toxic shame is about hiding. It's about hiding who you are and what you are. It's about hiding your emotions, your thoughts, your feelings - your humanity.

Healthy guilt (healthy shame) would say, "I made a mistake or a blunder, and I can repair that blunder."
Toxic shame says, "I am a mistake - everything I do is flawed and defective."

You said you have told people about your shame and it hasn't helped you. BUT, you need to know that just telling others is not enough when it comes to healing toxic shame. First of all, before talking to others about shame, you have to fully understand the concept of toxic shame - and that you have the condition. It is at that point that you will know what the problem is when you open up to others about your pain. But regardless of how much you understand about toxic shame and that you have it, it still will not be enough by itself to overcome toxic shame. It is critical to do your "inner work". I talk in my main thread of what inner work is and how to do it. After you have sufficiently done your inner work enough, then you are ready to go out and practice a little at a time in interacting and socializing with others (the "action" part).

So my point in all this is that there is more than just talking to others about those issues you've had in your life. Read my my main thread (the link at the bottom this post) for information that can help you, and also get the books I recommend in that thread (specifically in posts #266 & #267 of that thread). You CAN heal your toxic shame and your SA as well. I've done it and you can too.

Lifetimer
 

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ha ya beat me to it.
Dr. Scratch,

It's just good to see that, had I not replied to this thread, that you would have still gotten the job done with your correct diagnosis. :wink

Lifetimer
 

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Dr. Scratch,

It's just good to see that, had I not replied to this thread, that you would have still gotten the job done with your correct diagnosis. :wink

Lifetimer
YOUR correct diagnosis. i would have never found out about it if not for you. iam reading for the 2nd time the shame that binds. picking up on alot of the gems of info i missed on the 1st pass over.

YOUR diagnosis! YOUR HIGHLY CORRECT DIAGNOSIS ! cause YOUR the one who sadly has to punch slap kick flying atomic chokehold piledrive some of these people into submission in order to help them. such as i have seen in so many of your posts. lol
 

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I was shy as a kid and I think school was a lot for me to handle as well as some early experiences with a bully in first grade. That was the only time I have ever dealt with a bully, but I was so young that I think it had an impact on me. At that age you don't understand that bullies are treating you a certain way bc they have their own issues. So I think that had an early effect on me.
 

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I'm not shy as a person which means I could attend and take part of anything I want. I am shy ofcourse with people who I've grown up with because they know the inferior side of me and what I've been.

For me, bullying has been a huge factor in my childhood development and the possible cause of my Social Anxiety, although it can be vice versa.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Toxic Shame

No offense, but I've been shy since I was a young kid.. even before I remember my mom said I would hide

I still hate being in social situations because I find people get more enjoyment out of taking my energy, or talking to me.. and I have to just be paralyzed there and talk back

That's normal grocery store interaction

Normally I don't like being social for the sake of being social. As a kid I was only social like, doing stuff with people.

Building, achieving, etc

I guess I feel my normal social stuff is like 1 or 2 good friends.. but come on when you grow up your "supposed" to be social with everyone.

Like imagine if kids ran banks. And you were a kid.. lol.. and you went in there, you really think the girl would be like"HI, WELCOME TO THE BANK!!"

and that's society.. drugged pro social. Coffee, cigarettes .. etc

Its fake.

Be careful with toxic shame. Its fun pursuing strange theories but where does it get you

I just always feel bored, and awkward in social situations, because its boring so I get anxiety because I actually don't have enough stimulation from the "socializing" to even care enough.

The anxiety is probably the result of my brain trying to convince my body perform in a way it doesn't want to, and anxiety is a signal to leave the encounter

Other things too.. but

For some reason smoking cigarettes and typical party stuff, like drinks.. helps

Weed too..

Straight up im bored socializing unless with one or two Good friends.. and those take true time and effort to develop..
 

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For me, it was a combination of being shy, living in a chaotic family, being teased, being seen as someone who had something wrong with them, having crazy aggressive teachers, not getting any respect at all, being expected to change for others yet I have to accept them the way they are, and the list goes on. I don't just have social anxiety, but I'm also an incredibly pissed off person. That's why people avoid me because they know that I am judging them and that I am incredibly touchy. I hate being like that, but it's my defense mechanism, and nobody can truly understand it.
 
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