Social Anxiety Support Forum banner

1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
611 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I sometimes wonder if this is a big part of my problem. I have a hard time accepting failure on an external basis - i.e. someone else rejecting me or making mistakes in front of other people. I dont know how to accept this, AND keep your self esteem and self confidence in tact...it appears to me that failure = unworthiness in some aspect. And I guess I have high standards for myself because maybe on some level I dont feel worthy of attention or to be "equal" to other people socially until I meet my own standards, in looks, social skills etc. So in a way, maybe I feel like Im hiding and staying withdrawn waiting till Im "ready" and at to the level I feel I NEED to be before Im allowed to be outgoing and confident. Does this make any sense?
 

·
Out there...
Joined
·
5,124 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,810 Posts
And I guess I have high standards for myself because maybe on some level I dont feel worthy of attention or to be "equal" to other people socially until I meet my own standards, in looks, social skills etc. So in a way, maybe I feel like Im hiding and staying withdrawn waiting till Im "ready" and at to the level I feel I NEED to be before Im allowed to be outgoing and confident. Does this make any sense?
Yes, it kinda makes sense. But what are your own standards modeled on? To be the best or to be the best you can be? Even if the former, and you knew you were the best of the best, would you then be confident to interact or would you still prefer to hide because of the fear of choking or the fear that to interact may be construed by yourself as "showing off" and that would be a sign of imperfection? Or is it just the fear of interaction/performing, in itself, that prevents you from interacting/performing? For me, even if I was the best of the best, I would have little motivation to "expose" myself unless I was forced to but then I'd probably choke and even if I didn't choke, the interaction/performing/attention would stress me out. That's just part of being introverted which goes beyond SAD.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Yep, I have the same thing going on. What tends to help me is to just go do something, or to accomplish something small. It can be SA related, e.g. smiling/making eye contact at at the cash register, making a phone call you've been avoiding, etc. Or it can just be taking care of some necessary task, getting some exercise, or whatever feels like a manageable step to you. When you have small successes they can make you feel like you are closer to your self-ideal and you are not setting the bar too high. That can make you feel capable of reaching and working towards your larger goals. For me I'm able to cut myself more slack when I fail if I have other successes to look back on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
611 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Yes, it kinda makes sense. But what are your own standards modeled on? To be the best or to be the best you can be? Even if the former, and you knew you were the best of the best, would you then be confident to interact or would you still prefer to hide because of the fear of choking or the fear that to interact may be construed by yourself as "showing off" and that would be a sign of imperfection? Or is it just the fear of interaction/performing, in itself, that prevents you from interacting/performing? For me, even if I was the best of the best, I would have little motivation to "expose" myself unless I was forced to but then I'd probably choke and even if I didn't choke, the interaction/performing/attention would stress me out. That's just part of being introverted which goes beyond SAD.
Thats a good question. I definitely think my standards are narcissistic. I only feel confident if I am admired and praised by others - and maybe - I'll admit, feel like I have a sense of superiority (or at least am able to compete) in my surroundings. And so in situations where people are ambivalent to me, I have such a hard time being confident. And failure at anything...looks/words/actions destroys that sense of superiority which is the only thing that gives me confidence. I know that sounds so egotistical, but thats how I feel...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,810 Posts
Thats a good question. I definitely think my standards are narcissistic. I only feel confident if I am admired and praised by others - and maybe - I'll admit, feel like I have a sense of superiority (or at least am able to compete) in my surroundings. And so in situations where people are ambivalent to me, I have such a hard time being confident. And failure at anything...looks/words/actions destroys that sense of superiority which is the only thing that gives me confidence. I know that sounds so egotistical, but thats how I feel...
I don't think those narcisstic/egotistical tendencies are fully "intrinscic". I think we have been exposed to live/survive in a society that places greater emphasis on aggressiveness, competition, success, self-centeredness, praise, attention from when we were little kids (e.g. beginning at school, parents/friends, work-world, sports, etc.). We are sorta molded into becoming narcissists, I think? After living is such a system, we come to internalize the belief that if we are not near the top we shouldn't "play the game" or we don't deserve to.

Unfortunately, many of us come to believe this crap and since most of us can't come close to that goal, we are often made to feel inferior; worse, we may not even wish to participate fearing that we will be laughed at since we aren't the "cream of the crop". It's even worse if we can't even reach the mediocre status. I actually realized that I hate all this, when I finally somewhat succeeded in garnishing some admiration/respect from some people around me due to some success, I had. I hated it and realized how much more happy I am when I do stuff for the sake of my own pleasure not to be the best or not due to fear of disappointing others. Having said that, it didn't eliminate my anxiety. And I still hate upsetting people. I'd rather avoid them than upset them. But understanding and accepting oneself definitely helped me. Regardless, I think one can have an innate fear of people/social interaction for reasons that seem to defy environmental factors. I think my introverted personality goes a long way to explaining this and seems to transcend my anxiety. I just like my peace and quiet; unfortunately, that's difficult in today's system where social/performing skills and success in socially interaction are kind of crucial in finding a job or just getting laid/meeting a mate.
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Top