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Fallen angel
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Sorry to make ANOTHER thread but, I need some tips on how to handle this "pending relationship". So I am going "out" with this girl and unsure how to handle it, not knowing the right exact way to act. I know she likes me, she has shown it... but we aren't *always* cuddling and stuff, just maybe hugging, hanging out... not kissing.. but just more than just friends basically. I like her alot and I do want to be her actual *boyfriend* but how do I approach this and act on it, I can just ask her to be my boyfriend. We've gone on one official date, and we've gone to the bar like 3 times... went to the beach today... always talking, and flirting... I'm afraid to make a move like in other words find out what the status of our relationship is.

Is it just something that comes, I will be notified by her in some way?. Even when I'm not drunk I've been around her and my anxiety (compared to the past) to an extent my anxiety is much less than it was before from 3 years ago before I got a job. I'm providing myself with self CBT treatment (the tapes) and it's helping out a big deal, but the tapes do not cover *relationships* up to tape 3, i've gone past tape 3 and up to tape 7... so I know, maybe later on? But any tips I can get here would be a huge help.

Again this is a long-distance relationship and I know she really likes me and I've shown her that I really like her, she hasn't judged me in any way. She has some other guy friend that she texts alot and I've met him but I'm unsure what's going on there, should I just analyze her actions around him? or just ask her?. And yes, she has like over 400 friends on facebook... shes the kind that adds anyone she knows, could just be a false alarm. But knowing how much she likes me and the devotion that I've put in to coming to see her an hour out of my home town has shown her I am serious about being with her. Any tips are highly appreciated!!!.
 

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Get out on another date (not the bar scene) and kiss her this time. Nevermind her 400 Facebook friends or even this other guy. The only thing you have control over is yourself. Obviously she's interested in you if she's hanging around you and cuddling, hugging, flirting, etc., so just continue to be yourself while escalating things a bit. She's probably waiting for you to make a move.
 

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400 friends on Facebook is pretty meaningless actually Facebook friends in general are pretty meaningless. But anyway I would ignore the guy there is no use torturing yourself wondering what her connection to him is. I also agree that she probably wants you to make the first move. I'm just as clueless as how to do that too though. Maybe go on a date somewhere where you and her could be alone together.
 

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Fallen angel
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Get out on another date (not the bar scene) and kiss her this time. Nevermind her 400 Facebook friends or even this other guy. The only thing you have control over is yourself. Obviously she's interested in you if she's hanging around you and cuddling, hugging, flirting, etc., so just continue to be yourself while escalating things a bit. She's probably waiting for you to make a move.
I think kissing would be too soon in this situation, but that's just either my anxiety or just me not being too sure. I hug her alot by choice, she just goes with it i guess, we talk alot... could just be talking and just seems like flirting. And for me to make my move, how and what kind of fashion would this be, I am guessing just getting closer to her gradually.

400 friends on Facebook is pretty meaningless actually Facebook friends in general are pretty meaningless. But anyway I would ignore the guy there is no use torturing yourself wondering what her connection to him is. I also agree that she probably wants you to make the first move. I'm just as clueless as how to do that too though. Maybe go on a date somewhere where you and her could be alone together.
Finding a time alone together is probably a good idea. 400 friends on face is very meaningless considering myspace came out before and people could get like hundreds of friends and it's just purely bogus, half of them arent real life friends. Thanks for all the tips guys, appreciate it highly!.
 

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I think kissing would be too soon in this situation, but that's just either my anxiety or just me not being too sure. I hug her alot by choice, she just goes with it i guess, we talk alot... could just be talking and just seems like flirting. And for me to make my move, how and what kind of fashion would this be, I am guessing just getting closer to her gradually.
Well what do you mean by you "hug her"? Like you'd hug your grandmother? Or... a hug that you hold for a little while.. You mentioned cuddling in your first post.

If you're hugging and cuddling, you're as close as you need to be to kiss her. You kind of just wing it.

Look deep into her eyes (her eyes will tell you), look at her lips, hold her hands, stroke her hair or her face, lean in towards her, things like that...

What's the absolute worst that can happen? She pulls back and says it's not happening. Well, so what? Now you know where she stands and you don't have to think about it any more.
 

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Fallen angel
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Well what do you mean by you "hug her"? Like you'd hug your grandmother? Or... a hug that you hold for a little while.. You mentioned cuddling in your first post.

If you're hugging and cuddling, you're as close as you need to be to kiss her. You kind of just wing it.

Look deep into her eyes (her eyes will tell you), look at her lips, hold her hands, stroke her hair or her face, lean in towards her, things like that...

What's the absolute worst that can happen? She pulls back and says it's not happening. Well, so what? Now you know where she stands and you don't have to think about it any more.
Very good point my friend and this will help!!. But my instincts tell me to wait 3 weeks, I can see she is taking her time with me too, she has shown the signs for alot of interest.. and its all about getting to know me as far as i know. The outgoingness test has passed, I feel motived to speak out loud and the timing and everything is right because she laughs, not that I am only outgoing around people that I am confortable with. Your theory is one step above the "who cares what a girl will think if you ask her out and she rejects you". So I have gone to the beach with her, haven't totally cuddled like on the couch yet, really only legs against each other in bars, come to think about it, its not 100% cuddling... but as long as she doesn't pull away its a good sign. I guess ideas and concepts of how to get closer to her is what I attend to struggle on...

All I know is shes struggling to find her way right now with school, if she doesn't go to school then she pays rent, and shes been other places to different colleges, and maybe a companion apart from her parents is what she may be partially seeking. I looked into transfering to her city just for myself... not totally her... without telling her, to see what happens, she was VERY excited when I told her but it's a 50/50 chance right now.
 

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I think, by your description... you taking it slow and feeling it out for a few more weeks is a good thing. If you catch her looking intently into your eyes with the, 'I wish he would kiss me' look, you need to kiss her though. There is nothing that hurts worse than wanting a guy to kiss you and he won't. It is a great sign that she will not pull away when you rub legs though... that's kool... if she liked you only as a friend and was wanting to keep boundaries she would move her leg away. Is she relaxed in your hug... does she snuggle into you or just let you hold her? If a girl snuggles in it is a good sign - is she hugging you back?

I would let it ride for the next 3 weeks like you say and see what happens ... just my girl opinion. It sounds like you are on the right track though with your thinking in the last paragraph of your last post.

You are being smart in seeing what she is going through and what her emotional motives are or could be.

Good Luck, I'm praying that it all works out for you... you are a good guy it sounds like.
 

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Fallen angel
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I think, by your description... you taking it slow and feeling it out for a few more weeks is a good thing. If you catch her looking intently into your eyes with the, 'I wish he would kiss me' look, you need to kiss her though. There is nothing that hurts worse than wanting a guy to kiss you and he won't. It is a great sign that she will not pull away when you rub legs though... that's kool... if she liked you only as a friend and was wanting to keep boundaries she would move her leg away. Is she relaxed in your hug... does she snuggle into you or just let you hold her? If a girl snuggles in it is a good sign - is she hugging you back?

I would let it ride for the next 3 weeks like you say and see what happens ... just my girl opinion. It sounds like you are on the right track though with your thinking in the last paragraph of your last post.

You are being smart in seeing what she is going through and what her emotional motives are or could be.

Good Luck, I'm praying that it all works out for you... you are a good guy it sounds like.
I'd have to say I wouldn't be able to tell what the look is like... I am the one that moves closer to her but most times we sit very closely with little space in between us. When I hug her she obviously hugs me back, I guess what I have to do first in the first two next weeks is tell her I really like her, then a week later see how things are. Time spent with her is still limited, but I very casually negotiate with her for when shes off work. I'm only lucky to have 3 days off this week and to be able to get out of town for awhile, plus my buddy lives in the same city so I hang at his place most of the time while I see her whenever I can. I'll try more cuddling, but getting the message through to her directly and verbally is whats most important I think, but it's the hardest part for me since this is my first real serious relationship. Honestly in the first place (a week ago) I was obviously all socially anxious about what she said we would be doing as soon as I was in town last week, she like going to the beach, checking out other festivities... this was all in between her work schedules. She does talk to my buddy's wife that I stay with when I travel over there, they are both co-workers, but I'd never be able to tell if she knows I was less interested in her and wanted to just take my time, now my mission is to go full throttle as casually as possible.. meaning I really do like her and I want to be with her alot more.
 

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In the doghouse
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Look deep into her eyes (her eyes will tell you), look at her lips, hold her hands, stroke her hair or her face, lean in towards her, things like that...
Is it wrong I became aroused when I read this sentence?? You should write romance novels for a living. My advice is to get this girl really hammered and.....no wait, strike that. Your current plan sounds like a good one. Good luck!!!!!
 

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Just don't stop the touching... casual touching as long as she is relaxed and doesn't tense up and pull away is all the clues you need. Does she look at you - into your eyes? You will know the look, trust me - it is the look that says I want you to kiss me - it is intense and powerful and subtle and weak all at the same time. She will lean into you a bit, you will feel it when it is right. You are playing it smart by just taking your time... don't rush it. Getting to know her and just spending time together is your best plan... and telling her that you really like her is really good too. You are doing fine just don't let fear control you - you have to figure out how to control it. You can do this... I know you can.
 

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Fallen angel
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Is it wrong I became aroused when I read this sentence?? You should write romance novels for a living. My advice is to get this girl really hammered and.....no wait, strike that. Your current plan sounds like a good one. Good luck!!!!!
Hammered is the way i met her, sober is the way I want to get to know her, and not continue seeing her while hammered so that probably won't work :).
My plan has yet to see it's success, we'll see... I guess.

Just don't stop the touching... casual touching as long as she is relaxed and doesn't tense up and pull away is all the clues you need. Does she look at you - into your eyes? You will know the look, trust me - it is the look that says I want you to kiss me - it is intense and powerful and subtle and weak all at the same time. She will lean into you a bit, you will feel it when it is right. You are playing it smart by just taking your time... don't rush it. Getting to know her and just spending time together is your best plan... and telling her that you really like her is really good too. You are doing fine just don't let fear control you - you have to figure out how to control it. You can do this... I know you can.
It's really hard to tell if she really wants me to make that move at this current time... we do alot of talking, I guess it's me and I do more talking then making my move, but it's all trial and error right now. Telling her that I like her more than a friend is my mission very soon... and I guess I'll see how it goes from there. Thank you so much for the tips. You should write romance novels for a living, seriously... these methods are nothing that Google can tell me.
 

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Hold her close, look into her eyes. If you feel it's right, go for it. If not, try this:
Tell her that you're usually very good at reading people, but you just can't figure her out. Say you are trying to figure out if she wants to kiss you by looking into her eyes (note: actually LOOK into her eyes when saying this), and from there she may go for it.

If not, she might just laugh it off and then you can laugh too and have a nice little chuckle together.
 

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Fallen angel
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hold her close, look into her eyes. If you feel it's right, go for it. If not, try this:
Tell her that you're usually very good at reading people, but you just can't figure her out. Say you are trying to figure out if she wants to kiss you by looking into her eyes (note: actually LOOK into her eyes when saying this), and from there she may go for it.

If not, she might just laugh it off and then you can laugh too and have a nice little chuckle together.
I guess what I can say now is that I try to cuddle with her, she doesn't immediatly move away but obviously can't sit still and just keeps rearranging her legs while talking, but we always sit close... nothing like leaning against each other has happened but we haven't had the oppertunity to do it.

So I would like to provide a better, but brief description of the past of what's happened so far. Even if I have explained this previously, it just makes it easier for you guys so it's in an organized fashion. Basically I went to a birthday party in this city I want to move to and we ended up going to the bar (which was unfortunate for me at the time because I hated bars) and there was keroke so we went up on stage (I was wasted) and so it was easy for me to do what I do (singing which is next to impossible for me to do while sober) and I sat down and just kept talking to everyone at the table. All of the sudden someone comes outta nowhere, with a camera, apparently friends with my friends wife (which was the birthday girl) and this girl was talking to me and just took a picture of me with my arm around her back since everyone was taking pictures of everyone. So I then went home with everyone, woke up in the morning, went to work after driving home for an hour... and I at the time was tempted to ask a girl out that I was seeing at work... usually just for round trips to the doughnut store and back for a quick pickup for coffee, I was friends with this co-worker for over a year and she just got out of a long-term relationship. I asked her out that day without knowing anything about what was gonna happen next after going to that bar. She basically said "I need time to think" and I was like... ok thats fine, probably giving up then and there but remaining friends of course. Then the next day I wake up to look on facebook and there are pictures of me and some other girl, from that bar... I was shocked, my jaw dropped... in a good way. Who ever knew this would happen so fast!. So I go to work the following night and a friend of the girl that I previously asked out asks me if I got wasted the other night... not mention any girl even though it was obvious there was one... I said hell yeah. This girl is not added on my facebook and the girl I asked out is on my facebook so she must of told her, no theories there!, I didn't care... but she might of been still interested, well too late for her. So I went with it, started talking to this out-of-town chick and eventually I had a weekend free so I told her I would come up in the evening and spend time with her, well she overestimated what we'd be doing, but I lied and showed up earlier to spend time with another friend because I wanted to take things slow with her... maybe that was a mistake, well it was. Now I feel over-comfortable with her and I want to be more than friends with her, I kind of over-spreaded the message that I wanted to take my time with her, so maybe that message made its way over to her... so shes doing the same too? thats just a mystery at this point of time. SO up until now I have spend 3 weekends with her, hanging out alot more, she actually came to my house (hour drive) after I came to see her a second time, which was only at the bar. So I do hug her lots, we haven't done alot of cuddling at all but I've tried and she usually doesn't pull away right away... but we always sit close. I am probably being hard on myself on this one, but it's my first serious relationship like I said before, I want to make it work, I totally got the message from her that she likes me, but I'm still confused, which I will explain below why that is:

I really don't know if it's even worth moving to a city an hour away from my home town to be with her, she is very excited for that possibility yes... but she is always complaining about life and that she wanted to move away so many times. She works two jobs, hates life at the current moment. It really comes down to... is it too soon to ask tell her that I really like her more than a friend, and ask her if I actually moved to her city if she would actually move away from me... it's really bothering me right now and I totally need some tippers on this one.

Thanks in advance for any quick suggestions, I am probably going to let her know that I like her more than a friend tommorow, and ask her if shes serious about moving, but if that seems to fast of a move... please give suggestions!!!.

EDIT: even though moving was intentionally mainly for myself, and for her... I haven't told her that it was for myself... but I'm not sure if saying that it was for her would be too far of a jump...
 

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Ok, she drove an hour to see you... and you are driving an hour to see her. No one does this if they don't like someone a lot, unless she is incredibly bored and has no life. It sounds like she has a really busy life so driving an hour to see you is a sacrifice and yet she made it and you obviously both enjoy each others company.

Your instincts are good.

Just a hint... if she is shifting a lot when you are close to her... it usually means (at least for me) that she is uncomfortable because she is turned on. If you are in her personal space and she doesn't move away then she likes you being in her personal space or she wouldn't keep seeing you.

Next time you are sitting close do something like brush her hair away from her eyes gently with your hand, smile and say, "there, now I can see your eyes, you have pretty eyes, I like looking at them" or "you have the softest hair)... see how she reacts (and don't be afraid to show her if you are embarrassed doing it - girls love that too). If she gets all nervous - thats ok - most girls don't take compliments real well but really like them.

She has to know you find her attractive, that you want her... that you like touching her, but that you are not going to be over aggressive. But, herein lies the problem - some girls need a guy to be aggressive and don't get subtle hints about whether a guy 'really likes them' or if a guy 'just likes them and just wants to be friends' - either way she has to feel safe with you... if she is afraid of getting hurt, if she has had a bad relationship - she may be healing too... and if she is under a lot of stress she may just not know if she can cope with a relationship added to her already crazy schedule.

Just take it slow and easy like you are - don't put so much pressure on yourself to hurry it along. Trust yourself... you are doing fine.

Again if she isn't pulling away from you and she is still actively putting effort in to continue seeing you then this is a mutual thing... just make sure she knows that she matters - most girls need to know that they matter.
 

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The thing about girls is, they're human too. They have the same insecurities as guys do. They're no better at reading a guy's mind than a guy is at reading her mind. You hug her and hold her a bit, but won't move in for a kiss. You say YOU'RE confused.. Well, your own behaviour could be confusing the hell out of her, too.

Like I said earlier, the absolute worst that's going to happen is she'll pull back and awkwardly tell you she's not interested in you, in that way. That's not the end of the world.

EDIT: even though moving was intentionally mainly for myself, and for her... I haven't told her that it was for myself... but I'm not sure if saying that it was for her would be too far of a jump...
If you're going to move, do it only for yourself. Moving to another city is not something you do for another person if you've only known them a few weeks.

Don't read too much into her complaining. That's what people do - they complain about their life situation. Few people are happy with their lives. Most are indifferent. Some are downright unhappy. They'll complain, but won't usually do something as drastic as moving away by themselves.
 

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Fallen angel
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
The thing about girls is, they're human too. They have the same insecurities as guys do. They're no better at reading a guy's mind than a guy is at reading her mind. You hug her and hold her a bit, but won't move in for a kiss. You say YOU'RE confused.. Well, your own behaviour could be confusing the hell out of her, too.

Like I said earlier, the absolute worst that's going to happen is she'll pull back and awkwardly tell you she's not interested in you, in that way. That's not the end of the world.

If you're going to move, do it only for yourself. Moving to another city is not something you do for another person if you've only known them a few weeks.

Don't read too much into her complaining. That's what people do - they complain about their life situation. Few people are happy with their lives. Most are indifferent. Some are downright unhappy. They'll complain, but won't usually do something as drastic as moving away by themselves.
Well the kissing thing is, going to be embarked upon after I tell her I like her more than a friend, if that is a step above and successful, then I'll move up to the normal thing. It's probably not easy at all for her to understand the way I act since I am not like any other guy shes ever met, I am socially anxious where a outgoing guy is outgoing and knows what to do. Their actions are easy for them, but hard for me to copy since I don't know what to do without alot of advice, so here I am.

I rationally thought about her complaining about life, and I know she wants to be a higentists or w/e and her first year of school is in her current city then she will have to move temporarily to another school to finish her diploma or w/e, this is obviously only for a little while and she wants out of retail and out of the parents house too. Debt, all that ****... well me too.

The only reason I've chosen to move is, my friend moved to the same city like 3 years ago and has always begged me to move there by transfering jobs... it is possible. It is mainly for me, but I see it as not only for me but for her... I see a close connection with her but I must get to know her better and either way if I move there or not it's still for myself.

I know I've given her enough signs that I like her... now is the next step, telling her directly and verbally... didn't get that chance yet.

Before I used to say "Love you!!!" at the end of my texts or on facebook messages and would not get anything back... well today i received a text saying: "Love not working, so happy. Luck and Love."
I seriously thought she ment "Love not working" ment that something I was doing to her was not working, luck and love just threw it all off though... but I overtime read it 50 more times and she ment "I love not working" cus its her day off and "Luck and Love" was basically good luck and love you back, feels like I had to translate it from a totally different language but knowing she keeps things brief in her messages it makes complete sense.

And then there is the mystery of her other guy friend that texts her all the time... I'll find something out sooner or later, if shes not the one for me then there is tons of other chicks in this city to choose from, its just all about getting out of the parents place.
 

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Fallen angel
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Update:

So all along she was talking to a guy named john. I do remember seeing a text that she received from him and I just barely saw it over her shoulder while at the bar, it said: "**** him. Beer. Love." and so just last night she texted me saying that John was actually her Ex and he came back to town and now their officially back together. I of course begged her not to leave me for the dush named John. I told her even though I didn't get a chance to tell her I liked her more than a friend that I needed that chance... was going to tell her next time I saw her. She wasn't sure all along how the relationship was doing. Now I know exactly what to do next time but, it doesn't stop here I don't think. She said "I wish I could say or do something" and the last text last night was "It's got nothing to do w you at all". So this morning I texted her back once more saying "Im sorry, I understand your situation and i just overreacted on everything, but "at least for now" your with your ex, im happy for you, hope he treats you well, and maybe you still wanna hang out sometime we'll go to finleys next time im in town, anyways take care and have a good week!.

Her reply: Thx. Im gonna be mia (missing in action) for a while, **** went down last night re you w johnathan and i gotta get my act together. Sorry.

My reply:
I have faith in you, and you'll know where I'll be... in the gutter trying to gain back my sanity

If she responds we'll never know. But she did drive an hour to see me, and all it was that made her go back to her ex was that she wasn't sure if I liked her more than a friend or not and I did and I showed her that last night... I just couldn't hold myself back. Maybe it was worth it, we'll see... but does the 2nd last text sound like shes still debating towards which guy to choose? I think so.. and I'll try my best not to get my hopes up. Erasing bad memories is almost impossible within the first few days after rejection or break ups in paticular.
 

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but does the 2nd last text sound like shes still debating towards which guy to choose?
It sounds like this John guy is giving her a hard time over her hanging around you, so she needs to be MIA (from you) for a while in order to smooth things out with him.

As for those two, well they're exes for a reason. They'll probably break up again. Who knows how long that would take though. Could be a while. And even it happened in the near future, she'd need time to get over another breakup. If I was you I'd just move on.
 

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I'm so sorry - I was really rooting for you... maybe it will still work out - at least now she knows how you feel. I hate that it is this way for you now... but this won't last forever (it can't)... sure wish I lived closer and we could go out and drown in our misery together... take care.
 
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