Parents
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I dont think mine are as such. Ive always had a close family with lots of gatherings and socializing (although I hate it). The only thing which doesn't help is when they used to make fun of me for being quiet (which made things worse), seems to have stopped now tho 
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21 Posts
I definitely think a large part of mine is genetic, or at least brought on by family members.
My family is very critical and nothing is ever good enough for them. Plus they make fun of me. I've asked them to stop a number of times and it's always like "we make fun of ourselves so we can make fun of you too". And it never does stop. :no My mom also listens to phone conversations I make and stuff, takes it upon herself to speak for me in public, and is always trying to set me up with someone, so yeah I know where a big part of my lack of self esteem and anxieties come from.
I know living at home is the worst thing for me and I have been really thinking about finally leaving... I think a lot of my SA would go away if I was away from my family.
My family is very critical and nothing is ever good enough for them. Plus they make fun of me. I've asked them to stop a number of times and it's always like "we make fun of ourselves so we can make fun of you too". And it never does stop. :no My mom also listens to phone conversations I make and stuff, takes it upon herself to speak for me in public, and is always trying to set me up with someone, so yeah I know where a big part of my lack of self esteem and anxieties come from.
I know living at home is the worst thing for me and I have been really thinking about finally leaving... I think a lot of my SA would go away if I was away from my family.
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I'm 29... I actually have become preoccupied with moving out and took a tour of a couple houses that would be in my price range, but they needed a lot of work that I couldn't afford - I make OK money but not enough to pay for major renovations on a single person's wages (I feel highly unlikely that I'd ever be involved in a relationship so I'm trying to be extra cautious that I can competely afford it). I'm also being very particular about where I live because I want to be alone - the thought of having neighbours around or living in an apratment with people on all sides of me freaks me out - and I am actually probably the neighbour from hell as I play drums and guitar!
So I kind of feel stuck with my family. It doesn't help that they tell me if I'm so unhappy move out and good riddance basically, then I bring info home about houses for sale and they tell me they don't mind if I stay. I just feel like it's constant mind/emotional games.
So I kind of feel stuck with my family. It doesn't help that they tell me if I'm so unhappy move out and good riddance basically, then I bring info home about houses for sale and they tell me they don't mind if I stay. I just feel like it's constant mind/emotional games.
I don't think so. I'm not so sure how much a parent can teach you to make you a more confident person. I was basically raised by my mom and she never really made me do things. Instead, she sympathized with me. Most of what I've learned I had to learn at my own rate and by my own terms.
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289 Posts
Sorry Ms Spaz, but all that reads to me is excuses...
You are basically blaming your parents for your SA, saying it would be better if you weren't there... but at 29 and employed, there is no reason you are at home.
I play guitar, I have a 4 year old and a dog... and I live in an apartment. I am a year younger than you and I haven't lived at home since I was 18. I have paid for all my own bills since I was working a minimum wage job right out of high school.
I can't afford a house. I don't expect to right now but even if I did get a house, I wouldn't expect to be able to do all the renos at once either. That is stuff you work on over time. So long as you have a usable bathroom and a place to sleep, the rest can slowly be saved up for and worked on.
Honestly I think you are lucky that your parents have let you stay as long as they have and to complain that living there is causing your problems but yet constantly making excuses for being 'stuck'.. it doesn't make any sense to me.
Sorry I don't mean to be rude, it's just I don't understand how you can blame them and say it is how they treat you, but you are almost 30 and still allowed to live there? You are making that choice. Don't blame your parents when you are choosing to be 'picky' about where you live. You aren't 'stuck', you are choosing to stay and making excuses.
You are basically blaming your parents for your SA, saying it would be better if you weren't there... but at 29 and employed, there is no reason you are at home.
I play guitar, I have a 4 year old and a dog... and I live in an apartment. I am a year younger than you and I haven't lived at home since I was 18. I have paid for all my own bills since I was working a minimum wage job right out of high school.
I can't afford a house. I don't expect to right now but even if I did get a house, I wouldn't expect to be able to do all the renos at once either. That is stuff you work on over time. So long as you have a usable bathroom and a place to sleep, the rest can slowly be saved up for and worked on.
Honestly I think you are lucky that your parents have let you stay as long as they have and to complain that living there is causing your problems but yet constantly making excuses for being 'stuck'.. it doesn't make any sense to me.
Sorry I don't mean to be rude, it's just I don't understand how you can blame them and say it is how they treat you, but you are almost 30 and still allowed to live there? You are making that choice. Don't blame your parents when you are choosing to be 'picky' about where you live. You aren't 'stuck', you are choosing to stay and making excuses.
You say your mother speaks up for you, because I work at Chipotles serving people I have seen this a couple of times. I don't specifically know your situation but I wouldn't think that is good for you that your mother controls your conversation. I remember seeing a teenager girl walk in with her mother an dher mother spoke for her and when the girl spoke up her mother got all pissy. That's not good. Obviously the problem lies within the context of the mother, in this case, not allowing the daughter to gain any sort of confidence through her own actions. I'm kind of jumping out early here with my assumptions, but if anyone has this problem in their lives, it will benefit you greatly to serperate yourself from that source.
Still, like the poster above me mentioned, we can't blame anyone for things we are capable of changing ourselves.
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289 Posts
Oh and as for my own answer, I don't blame my parents at all. I am my own person. My problems are my own and nothing they did 'caused' it.
A parent can't force you to be more social. I have always been like this and it doesn't matter what my parents might have done to try to get me to be more social, it wasn't my nature.
Actually, now that I am a parent myself especially, realize just how weird it is that people often try to blame their parents for everything. So long as you weren't abused, your parents did the best they knew how. Parents are just people too and you really see that when you have your own child but still have the same problems as before. Only now you need to raise another little person.
Being a parent doesn't automatically make you able to always know what to do. You can't automatically KNOW exactly how to help your child. You just do your best. And as the child you do all you can do, and even if your parent tried to direct you one way, it doesn't mean you will do it because you are your own person.
People need to just accept that life is life. Your are your own person and if things aren't working, fix it yourself. Don't sit around blaming your parents for everything and saying it is their fault. Nothing to do with mental illness can be 100% on any one person's shoulders.
Blame is just an excuse to not have to do anything about it on your own.
A parent can't force you to be more social. I have always been like this and it doesn't matter what my parents might have done to try to get me to be more social, it wasn't my nature.
Actually, now that I am a parent myself especially, realize just how weird it is that people often try to blame their parents for everything. So long as you weren't abused, your parents did the best they knew how. Parents are just people too and you really see that when you have your own child but still have the same problems as before. Only now you need to raise another little person.
Being a parent doesn't automatically make you able to always know what to do. You can't automatically KNOW exactly how to help your child. You just do your best. And as the child you do all you can do, and even if your parent tried to direct you one way, it doesn't mean you will do it because you are your own person.
People need to just accept that life is life. Your are your own person and if things aren't working, fix it yourself. Don't sit around blaming your parents for everything and saying it is their fault. Nothing to do with mental illness can be 100% on any one person's shoulders.
Blame is just an excuse to not have to do anything about it on your own.
Yes because they were always overprotective and never really let me do anything. Also if I do something that they don't approve of, then they will not be supportive.. They were never supportive when I had to take therapy and they are not so supportive of my career choice after I told them I changed my mind and wanted to transfer to another school and choose a different career. My parents were always working when we where kids and they expected me to do the cooking and cleaning by the time they would come home.. They are unfair because they let my brothers get away with more stuff than I do. They're just bad parents lol..
I used to partially blame my parents because we moved houses every couple of years as I was growing up, and I never got the chance to make and keep close friends. I usually made a couple friends, moved a couple years later, and had to do the process all over again. The anxiety that this causes as a child is pretty traumatic, so I used to always think that maybe that trauma caused a fear of social situations for me.
However, I've been told by my doctor and have read that anxiety disorders are due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, which I don't believe is caused by past experiences. It's just how we are built.
So I have learned to accept it as that instead of blaming my parents for scarring me for life against socialization. I will, however, stay in one place and keep my kids in one school, when I eventually (hopefully) have my own children.
However, I've been told by my doctor and have read that anxiety disorders are due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, which I don't believe is caused by past experiences. It's just how we are built.
So I have learned to accept it as that instead of blaming my parents for scarring me for life against socialization. I will, however, stay in one place and keep my kids in one school, when I eventually (hopefully) have my own children.
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21 Posts
Fair point Keirelle!
I often think I'm making excuses for myself too about leaving the proverbial nest. The world is a scary place and I have to get out there sometime. For the record, I do pay rent to my parents, so it's not like I'm just bumming... and as I said I do not blame all my SA on them.
I often think I'm making excuses for myself too about leaving the proverbial nest. The world is a scary place and I have to get out there sometime. For the record, I do pay rent to my parents, so it's not like I'm just bumming... and as I said I do not blame all my SA on them.
I do and I know it's horrible that I blame them
my mom is very shy and passive
and my stepfather is abusive and controlling
so it's like when I'm home I'm controlled and she's controlled
and then I go outside and I control myself
I make myself so anxious and afraid that I can't speak or move like a robot and end up dropping things
so I run home, back to being controlled and abused
so I blame him and I blame her
and then I go outside and blame myself for how I act out there
so is it possible that there is a correlation between how I am treated inside and how I act so anxious outside?
my stepdad says no and tells me I'm just lazy and useless and to stop blaming others and that its all in my distorted head
but then...how did it get so distorted?
before I met him I liked being me
at least I think I was happy
my mom is very shy and passive
and my stepfather is abusive and controlling
so it's like when I'm home I'm controlled and she's controlled
and then I go outside and I control myself
I make myself so anxious and afraid that I can't speak or move like a robot and end up dropping things
so I run home, back to being controlled and abused
so I blame him and I blame her
and then I go outside and blame myself for how I act out there
so is it possible that there is a correlation between how I am treated inside and how I act so anxious outside?
my stepdad says no and tells me I'm just lazy and useless and to stop blaming others and that its all in my distorted head
but then...how did it get so distorted?
before I met him I liked being me
at least I think I was happy
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311 Posts
I don't think my parents helped my self-esteem any, what with one shooting off insults at every opportunity and the other shooting down every idea I have, but I don't think they are to blame for my social anxiety. I think I'm past blame anyways, or getting there, as pointing the finger is not going to move me forward.
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384 Posts
I really blame them. I was normal during my early school days but i was not brought up well. I was abused and ridiculed for whatever i did during my school and teen years. I was always treated as inferior. because of my fundamentalist church's influence on parents, it got worse during teenage years.
Now am trying to overcome my SA and convince myself that am much worth than all those loosers that used to make fun of me and i know i am, cause they havent acheived anything in life and i have acheived more than them despite of my SA.
Now am trying to overcome my SA and convince myself that am much worth than all those loosers that used to make fun of me and i know i am, cause they havent acheived anything in life and i have acheived more than them despite of my SA.
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72 Posts
I blame them for my confidence issues thats for sure. I have an alcoholic father and a controlling mother. My dad loves me but hes pretty much absent, and my mother just wants me to be her clone. Anything I do that she doesnt think is something that she can brag to her trifiling friends about isnt important. And she also dropped the ball in another major way that has to deal with my trust issues. As far as the other mental illnesses well, that was a combination of fate and genetics.
However, I dont think they are holding me back now.They try and get me to drive and get a new job but I am so freaked out I really dont take their advice. And to be honest I think a bit of my resentment towards them is holding me back. I am old enough to make my own decisions and frankly I am an adult, and they dont 'owe' me anything at this point. It would be great if they would make up for all the neglect but thats not going to happen. Its my job to fix what they sorta helped to break and I cant really keep on holding on to the past.
However, I dont think they are holding me back now.They try and get me to drive and get a new job but I am so freaked out I really dont take their advice. And to be honest I think a bit of my resentment towards them is holding me back. I am old enough to make my own decisions and frankly I am an adult, and they dont 'owe' me anything at this point. It would be great if they would make up for all the neglect but thats not going to happen. Its my job to fix what they sorta helped to break and I cant really keep on holding on to the past.
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45 Posts
I blame them for the genes mostly.
Mom, dad, thanks for the crappy genes I really appreciate that!
Seriously though I wouldn't say I blame them but I think if I ever have kids I'll try to keep a close eye on their social development and specifically encourage them to get a job at an early age rather than just give them money. I do feel my parents have always allowed me (and still do) to back off when I ran into an obstacle in life. I guess that's why I'm not a very independent person today.
Mom, dad, thanks for the crappy genes I really appreciate that!
Seriously though I wouldn't say I blame them but I think if I ever have kids I'll try to keep a close eye on their social development and specifically encourage them to get a job at an early age rather than just give them money. I do feel my parents have always allowed me (and still do) to back off when I ran into an obstacle in life. I guess that's why I'm not a very independent person today.
I believe mine comes from the following factors:
1. My step father - very insensitive, liked to make jokes at my expense and put me down as a kid, constantly told me I was useless and an idiot if I did minor things wrong or got something wrong. Made fun of me in front of other people.
2. Primary school - Bullied quite severly (verbally and physically) for almost 8 years and then for 2 years at secondary school before I started sticking up for myself a little bit. Still not sure why I was bullied as there is nothing unusual or outstanding about me, maybe it was because I was quiet so couldn't make friends so an easy target.
3. Genetic - My grandparents are very reserved and I believe my mother was very shy as a youngster but somehow she grew out of it.
1. My step father - very insensitive, liked to make jokes at my expense and put me down as a kid, constantly told me I was useless and an idiot if I did minor things wrong or got something wrong. Made fun of me in front of other people.
2. Primary school - Bullied quite severly (verbally and physically) for almost 8 years and then for 2 years at secondary school before I started sticking up for myself a little bit. Still not sure why I was bullied as there is nothing unusual or outstanding about me, maybe it was because I was quiet so couldn't make friends so an easy target.
3. Genetic - My grandparents are very reserved and I believe my mother was very shy as a youngster but somehow she grew out of it.
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