[wiima]

Parents not acting confidently -> sa?

This is just a theory. I think I have started to notice that often children of less confidently acting, less assertive parents are more likely to be shy or develop social anxiety than those, whose parents seem more "strong" _on the outside_. And the parent acting confidently would be the main factor, not parents other personal issues, like anger management, yelling...

And this shyness commonly seems to have very little to do with the actual self esteem of the child. They can feel as crappy as possible about themselves inside, but they still are able to act confidently, and be able to defend themselves.

I think I have even read some study in monkeys about this: the less confident monkeys more often had unsure "kids", but if the kids were taken away, and given to more confident parents, they would start be more sure of themselves.

Do you think this could be the case?

How were your mom and dad?

 

[kos]

Dad was normal. Except for times when I played sports and he always got pissed off at the ref's and started yelling at them and threw ****.

Mom was normal. She is a people person and gets her energy from other people.

 

[quietgal]

My mom suffers from anxiety and depression. My dad is a nice guy but a total pushover. Both my parents are very unsure of themselves and meek as mice. Both have few friends, are quiet and don't relate well to people. To me, it's obvious I've been heavily influenced by them. Sometimes I wonder if I could ever even hope to be anything other than shy, quiet and anxious? There are people here with all sorts of different family circumstances though, but it could certainly be a factor.

 

[letitrock]

This is just a theory. I think I have started to notice that often children of less confidently acting, less assertive parents are more likely to be shy or develop social anxiety than those, whose parents seem more "strong" _on the outside_. And the parent acting confidently would be the main factor, not parents other personal issues, like anger management, yelling...

And this shyness commonly seems to have very little to do with the actual self esteem of the child. They can feel as crappy as possible about themselves inside, but they still are able to act confidently, and be able to defend themselves.

I think I have even read some study in monkeys about this: the less confident monkeys more often had unsure "kids", but if the kids were taken away, and given to more confident parents, they would start be more sure of themselves.

Do you think this could be the case?

How were your mom and dad?

Your theory is definitely valid-You're probably gonna think this is nonsense but I use to watch Oprah and on that show they talked not about SA but about how children are influenced by their parents-I don't remember the episodes word for word but they talked about how if the parents feel one way then the children emulate that behavior-It made more sense the way they explained it

With my mom, I can see ways some of her issues may have passed on to me-I'll try to make this brief-my mom has issues with my aunts and everytime she talks about them she says how they're nosy, and how I shoud never let them in the house because they'll talk about the mess(my mom is a hoarder), how they'll say this, they'll say that, and in the past, when we went to Thangivings/Christmases, etc she would always say, no don't wear that after I'd get dressed, and so on and so on, but she wanted us to look a certain way and I that kind of behavior contributed to me caring about what other people think EDIT:Her comments pissed me off, I thought they were nonsense and finally she stopped doing that but nonetheless after years of being exposed to that way of thinking, it is ingrained in me to second-guess myself

There's more, but it'd be a really long read, and it'd just take so much time for me to sort out all of my mom and dad's bull****, so anyway, yeah, parents' being less assertive, not as confident worrying about what others think, that can definitely have an effect on the children. It doesn't always happen, but it is a possibility

 

[pita]

My parents are neither assertive nor confident. I'm sure I inherited some of those traits.

 

[dunky]

My mom is assertive and confident and my dad is pretty normal. My brother is outgoing and likes to party, but I hate it all and stay at home and do nothing.

 

[Syrena]

My dad is.. well, not outgoing. He is kind of a loner, but by choice.

My mom, on the other hand, is from NYC. She is loud, brash, outgoing and rather annoying.

 

[socially inept]

This is just a theory. I think I have started to notice that often children of less confidently acting, less assertive parents are more likely to be shy or develop social anxiety than those, whose parents seem more "strong" _on the outside_. And the parent acting confidently would be the main factor, not parents other personal issues, like anger management, yelling...

And this shyness commonly seems to have very little to do with the actual self esteem of the child. They can feel as crappy as possible about themselves inside, but they still are able to act confidently, and be able to defend themselves.

I think I have even read some study in monkeys about this: the less confident monkeys more often had unsure "kids", but if the kids were taken away, and given to more confident parents, they would start be more sure of themselves.

Do you think this could be the case?

How were your mom and dad?

paents can play a dominant role in the delopment of social anxiety

i think you should look into the development stages - 0-7 imprint period, 7-14- modelling period, 14-21 socialization period (nlp has good info on this )

parents can casue SA in a child through a few different ways:

*directly passing on their own fears and beleifs to a childby saying things like ''be careful at school son, theres lots of people who love nothing more than ridiculing you'' etc....

*inadvertantly passing on their own fears , behaviours and beleifs to their child. between the age of 0-7 kids are like a sponge , they soak up everything and modell their parents , if a parent is shy the child can easily learn it uncocniously off them. kids learn to speak without being taught , they do this cos they just unconciously pick it up. its the same with behaviours like shyness they can learn it without even trying

*parenting style can casue a kid to develop socially anxious beleifs. for example a parent is shy therefoe has difficulty expressing emotion. as a result they never give their kid affection. becasue of this the kid develops beleifs like ''parents dont love me, this must meen im unloveable or unappealing ''

*parenting style can casue a kid not to put certain experiences into perspective which results in negative beleifs. e.g the kid gets bullied at school and starts beleiving '' theres something wrong with me , im different''. normal parents coud shower the kid with love and tell him '' its not your fault , the bullys just pcik on you cos they are insecure , we love you so i doesnt matter what the bullies think''. after that the kid puts it into perspective and says ''my paretns love me and thats all that matters''
but if you have got emotionally cold and shy parents they cant shower you with love therefore the beleif of ''im different '' never gets put into perspective ''

*kids can develop certain beleifs about things just by watcing a paretns reaction to a situation. for example when i was a kid i wacthed my mum get all embarrased in a situation were people were letting themselves go and i developed the beleif of '' letting yourself go and losing yourself is embarrassing ''

along with traumatic experiences i would put parents up their with the most dominat factor int he development of social anxiety

 

[Tangent]

My parents were both excruciatingly confident people - so I don't think this has any relevance for me.

 

[TaniaN]

My mom, on the other hand, is from NYC. She is loud, brash, outgoing and rather annoying.

I like how you mention that she's from NYC like that explains her personality LOL I'm from NYC!

About my own parents....my mom is very outgoing and out there on the surface. But behind closed doors she is paranoid, has low self-esteem, and isolates herself. My father, I don't really know how to describe honestly. He's a born again Christian....and I feel like he's become almost personality less to be seen as this holier than thou person. And he certainly was no saint before so.....he's a hard one to pinpoint.

 

[Syrena]

I like how you mention that she's from NYC like that explains her personality LOL I'm from NYC!

Only because that's what she says is her excuse for being all loud and outgoing. :b

Though, I didn't call her annoying for being loud and outgoing. No offense meant.

 

[TaniaN]

No worries, none taken!

 

[DeeperUnderstanding]

My mom is extremely confident, and it doesn't make a bit of difference. It makes it easier when I'm out with her, because she can 'take over' for me, but it doesn't diminish my SA.

I never knew my father, and the one time I saw him he was an *** to me, so I can't speak for him.

 

[melancholyscorpio]

My parents are passive. Sometimes they are too nice for their own good.

When I was waiting at the doctor's a few weeks ago there was this woman who is confident & and I started wondering that her children are probably the same.

 

[andy1984]

its just the luck of the draw i guess.