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Hi guys,
I have nowhere else to turn. I didn't think I'd be back here, and I really am not here to stay. But, despite my overcoming of most of my social anxiety, I have something else plaguing me. I posted about it on various psychology forums, but nobody is really replying. Here we go...oh and also this is the second time I have posted about this on here, but it was a really long time ago and I seriously think I have it. I know the end is violent, but I beg of you not to delete it.

For as long as I can remember, I have been "untrustworthy" of other people. I sort of contradict myself, though, since I constantly speak my mind, voice my opinions and share personal information with a bunch of people. That last part, perhaps, is for attention, but that is just a guess as to why I have no problem with doing so. I don't feel that way, but maybe my mind feels different deep down. Anyway, yeah, I don't trust people in a different sense. I always feel that others are conversing about me, even if I don't know them. If I do badly on something, say perform badly at soccer, I feel like every single person that was there is talking about how badly I did, even the next day at school. I quietly and nervously look for laughs in the distance in the cafeteria, and automatically assume they are talking about me. When I leave a group of people, I get very tense and wish that I could still hear what they are conversing about. It tears at my mind until I have some sort of confirmation, which is rare, that it was not about me at all.

That isn't the worst of it. I am very quick to say I hate people, because I feel like they are an a**hole even if they never harmed me. I am extremely hostile, but I mostly keep that inside my mind and don't show it. However, I feel like people hate me, so I am somewhat cruel in return. I cannot take a compliment easily. I take every smile, kind and innocent gesture the wrong way. Any kindness directed my way is never received in the way it is supposed to. I feel as if the person who did it is faking it, and only doing it to please me or something. I observe the person thoroughly to make sure they meant it, which is mentally taxing. If someone is somewhat unresponsive in conversation, does not smile or ignores me, it has the same effect. I start to wonder why they are doing that, and then I develop a strong hate towards them for not being so direct with their emotions...but perhaps those were direct?

Doesn't seem too bad, but let me elaborate further. These things that I stated, these thoughts, consume me. They tear at my mind and put me in a state of rage, self-hate, hate towards others and ultimate panic. When I am feeling happy, things from the past that indicate any sort of negative notion towards me start to pound at my brain, and I can't stop them. I start to feel ill, and wish that I could read peoples minds. I begin to think about eliminating those that have "wronged" me, or been cold towards me (in reality or in my mind). When I say eliminate, I mean kill them. I get extreme pleasure from fantasizing about brutally beating or torturing the person who I feel paranoid towards. When I wipe them out, I wipe out their judgment and ultimately the paranoia. That's how I feel, at least. I am obsessed with power, as well. Now, in person I do not show this, but mentally it shouts within me, begging to get out. I am fascinated with serial killers, since they are the choosers of life, in the most unique ways. They do what they please to satisfy their urge, and mine would be to rid those who cause me a great deal of paranoia. I won't actually do it, but this is how I think.

I sometimes go in the shower and get down on my knees and start clawing at my brain because I can't stand thinking this way anymore. It is really exhausting and irrational. Perhaps paranoia is just total awareness?

That really is the best I can describe it, and this is already getting too long. I realize my argument towards this disorder seems weak, but just for more clarification I will post the symptoms of it that I have that I found on a website. I should also add that I dwell on mistakes to the point of insanity and cannot ignore them. When I say insanity, I really mean it.

-Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her

-Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates

-Reads benign remarks or events as threatening or demeaning.
Persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights

-Perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack


Thank you for reading. Really wish I could express my emotions in words better, but that was the best I could do.

**Oh, another thing** I try by best to live and die by "It doesn't matter what others think of you". I don't, in most aspects, but deep down I do. So, that's annoying as all hell. My mind works against me. I am all for being myself, which I do so well, and am getting DEM ("Doesnt Even Matter") tattooed on my forearm to remind myself that it doesn't matter one f***ing bit.
 

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Wow. That was quite a rant.
Have you tried seeking professional help? Maybe you need to let someone know this who can help you, whoever that may be. You sound like you have an outrageous amount of stress, and need to let it out in some way. It is sort of scary to read about you saying you fantasize about "eliminating" people, because you never know when you cannot control that rage any longer and end up doing something unforgivable.
Try and get help before it's to late. Thats all I can say.

Ps. You are still young, there is plenty of time for you to change and break free from all these negative thoughts. Once again, do it before it's to late. This life is not that long, and it will end at some point. Try to be happy and find things that make you feel as though you are making the most out of it.
 

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I am really messed up. Just an example of how bad my paranoia is. I was upstate for the weekend to see my sister graduate, and I would be missing my soccer game. We played a team today that we lost 7-0 to the first time we played. Today, we tied 2-2. When I heard the news, I dropped my fork while eating breakfast and literally felt sick to my stomach. Listen to this: the first thought that popped in my head was, "It's because I wasn't there." This thought has stuck with me the entire day, and I feel the team was better off without me on the field. All day, I have been almost...been making mathematical calculations in my head of how this could be. It drives me insane, and I am looking for ways to prove it is not true. For example, I was just talking to a teammate online, and I joked and said, "Wish I was there...but that's probably why we tied :p." He started laughing and said "nah man we really could have used you." To add onto it, though, another kid said we played well because we had no ****ty people there...obviously I am going to think he's talking about me. It has no volume, though, and my mind is plagued. I really think I am going mentally insane.
 

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I am really messed up. Just an example of how bad my paranoia is. I was upstate for the weekend to see my sister graduate, and I would be missing my soccer game. We played a team today that we lost 7-0 to the first time we played. Today, we tied 2-2. When I heard the news, I dropped my fork while eating breakfast and literally felt sick to my stomach. Listen to this: the first thought that popped in my head was, "It's because I wasn't there." This thought has stuck with me the entire day, and I feel the team was better off without me on the field. All day, I have been almost...been making mathematical calculations in my head of how this could be. It drives me insane, and I am looking for ways to prove it is not true. For example, I was just talking to a teammate online, and I joked and said, "Wish I was there...but that's probably why we tied :p." He started laughing and said "nah man we really could have used you." To add onto it, though, another kid said we played well because we had no ****ty people there...obviously I am going to think he's talking about me. It has no volume, though, and my mind is plagued. I really think I am going mentally insane.
Sounds like a really normal thought process to me. No kidding. That is unless I'm paranoid too and we both have weird thinking patterns. I know alot of the time my brain feels 'tight' because it's thinking too much. I often punch myself in the face/head to get my mind to shut up. Once my mom asked where I got the black eye from, I said 'Dunno'. Hmm. Typing that made me realize how f*cked up I am.
 

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WOW, OH MY GOD. You have just described my life. I too, get down on my knees, tear at my hair, and have tears of anger flowing from my eyes while thinking 'serial killer'-like thoughts. I am thinking of people who don't deserve to live after what they've done to me. I also watch for others' remarks and facial expressions when I'm not near them. Obviously, like you, I will not go and kill anyone but sometimes these thoughts are just so soothing. I constantly am overthinking situations and how someone perceives my character. Inside I live by 'it doesn't matter what others think' but deep down I REALLY DO CARE. I have actually found my identical twin on this forum.
 

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Oh, geeze. That is me. I am totally paranoid, but I'm getting better with therapy and the drugs help to (I sound like a druggie!). But there are still times when I won't leave my home because other people are following me, talking about me, etc. Sometimes it helps me to recite a mantra every time I go out. I just say to myself over and over again "no one is looking, no one cares". Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. I guess it just depends on the day.
 

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My guess is your mad at someone who is too powerful to confront so you bury the knowledge of who you are truly angry at and then the anger and hate floats around freely. This is a good way to turn into an awful person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Alright, this may seem sudden...but, I've had a bit of a revelation today. I was in the best mood ever, because I freed myself of all these thoughts as I was laying in bed last night. I started to picture myself in a very narrow world, literally as if I was in a box that was closing in all around me. The walls are black, and only I exist within it. When I did this, like really got into it, I felt very mellow, almost free of weight. My head felt light, and I was at peace. So, I tried doing this in the classroom today. What I did, was, start to see everyone around me as nothing but another cell, and they have their own mind that has absolutely no influence on mine. By doing so, I felt very "accepting" of myself, and happiness rushed into me for some strange reason. When I felt any feeling of paranoia, I just pictured myself in that box and that it was just me and nobody else in the world. That really is the best I can explain it, but I think if I keep doing this I'll be ok, because I really do feel better by doing so.
 

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I am really messed up. Just an example of how bad my paranoia is. I was upstate for the weekend to see my sister graduate, and I would be missing my soccer game. We played a team today that we lost 7-0 to the first time we played. Today, we tied 2-2. When I heard the news, I dropped my fork while eating breakfast and literally felt sick to my stomach. Listen to this: the first thought that popped in my head was, "It's because I wasn't there." This thought has stuck with me the entire day, and I feel the team was better off without me on the field. All day, I have been almost...been making mathematical calculations in my head of how this could be. It drives me insane, and I am looking for ways to prove it is not true. For example, I was just talking to a teammate online, and I joked and said, "Wish I was there...but that's probably why we tied :p." He started laughing and said "nah man we really could have used you." To add onto it, though, another kid said we played well because we had no ****ty people there...obviously I am going to think he's talking about me. It has no volume, though, and my mind is plagued. I really think I am going mentally insane.
Your team was probably seeking vengeance for the loss. It wasn't because you weren't there. They weren't thinking of you with that statement of that one guy, either.
 

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Alright, this may seem sudden...but, I've had a bit of a revelation today. I was in the best mood ever, because I freed myself of all these thoughts as I was laying in bed last night. I started to picture myself in a very narrow world, literally as if I was in a box that was closing in all around me. The walls are black, and only I exist within it. When I did this, like really got into it, I felt very mellow, almost free of weight. My head felt light, and I was at peace. So, I tried doing this in the classroom today. What I did, was, start to see everyone around me as nothing but another cell, and they have their own mind that has absolutely no influence on mine. By doing so, I felt very "accepting" of myself, and happiness rushed into me for some strange reason. When I felt any feeling of paranoia, I just pictured myself in that box and that it was just me and nobody else in the world. That really is the best I can explain it, but I think if I keep doing this I'll be ok, because I really do feel better by doing so.
Mentally, yes - this is cool. Physically, no, because you'd be bumping into people. :lol You are realizing that other people have issues and problems of their own. They are not related to you.
 

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Alright, this may seem sudden...but, I've had a bit of a revelation today. I was in the best mood ever, because I freed myself of all these thoughts as I was laying in bed last night. I started to picture myself in a very narrow world, literally as if I was in a box that was closing in all around me. The walls are black, and only I exist within it. When I did this, like really got into it, I felt very mellow, almost free of weight. My head felt light, and I was at peace. So, I tried doing this in the classroom today. What I did, was, start to see everyone around me as nothing but another cell, and they have their own mind that has absolutely no influence on mine. By doing so, I felt very "accepting" of myself, and happiness rushed into me for some strange reason. When I felt any feeling of paranoia, I just pictured myself in that box and that it was just me and nobody else in the world. That really is the best I can explain it, but I think if I keep doing this I'll be ok, because I really do feel better by doing so.
This shows what a powerful thing the imagination is. What you are describing in this vision is what I call "staying inside myself." It's like you concentrate on your own self, and don't jump into other people's minds & worry & get paranoid about what you just KNOW they think about you. Instead, you focus on, and stay within, yourself.

Sounds like it is a very positive experience for you and keeps you mentally peaceful and gives you some strength, so keep it up!
 

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I'd have to agree with this. Aside from the serial killer part. Yeah, I'd really like to have more power over people and whathaveyou but those thoughts aren't consuming. But I know what you mean about always putting other people's supposed 'negative thoughts' in your head. I do that to. I thought it was SA, but you made me realize it could be paranoia. Oh dear.
 

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Some of this does also sound like me - though at the same time it occurs to me that as SA is very much about persistent, intense, chronic fear about possible negative attitudes of others that paranoid thinking tends to go hand in hand with SA anyway. So am not really sure if the term 'Paranoid Personality Disorder' would apply to me or not.
 

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I have had very similar feelings in the past about distrust and feeling people are against me. I do think you need to get treatment as soon as possible. It is good that you realize you have a problem, so that puts you a step ahead of many people.

I understand you are in a lot of pain, but when you say you get pleasure out of eliminating people who you have perceived to have wronged you, that is a very clear and urgent signal to me that you need to seek help to control your anger and suspicions before things get out of hand. You sound like a good person at heart to me, but the problem with paranoia is it can take over a person's judgement, and lead you to do things you would never imagine doing if you were thinking rationally. Many good people have done terrible things in the face of insanity. I myself have had thoughts of being persecuted, and it took everything I had just to keep myself from lashing out against my perceived "persecutors." Trust me, it is not a place most people could imagine being in. The one thing I have learned is that while I may not have control over my thoughts or my emotions, I can always control my actions. I know not to trust my thoughts anymore, I have a moral code of things that I would never do and I stick to it, despite all the crazy thoughts that might run through my mind.

I get these intense paranoid thoughts from time to time, and I have learned that the only way out for me is antipsychotic medication. I don't take it all the time, but it definitely has been a lifesaver for me. It may be helpful to combine with an SSRI as well. Antipsychotics aren't just for schizophrenia, they are helpful for all causes of paranoia. They work very quickly and you may only need them on an as-needed basis.

I don't think your argument is weak. It sounds like you are suffering intensely, and what you need to realize is first of all, that you are not alone, and second of all, that there are effective treatments available to you.
 

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Practice forgiveness. In my experiences I've come to believe that forgiveness, compassion, benevolence, and helping others can have a great alleviating effect on rage. If you want to test how "****ed up" or "bad" you are then do this, take 15% of all the free money you have right now and give it to someone in need without ever expecting anything in return, such as a charity or a very poor family. It may be hard at first since it requires a bit of discipline to take your hard earned money and give it up.

Or, if you can't afford to give up anything, give up some time or patience and help someone, for example, by listening to them or try mowing an elderly neighbors lawn for free, or something like that. Trust me, it may seem lame and weak to help others, but it should create a rewarding experience for you emotionally.

I have the same problems you do to the T and helping people is the only thing I've found that can pull me out of the Rage rut. It seems, with me anyway, that I tend to take an extreme opinion of everything. If I'm doing something good, I feel extremely good. If I'm thinking negative thoughts, I ruminate and loop anxious and paranoid thoughts in my head until I freeze and shut down with anxious rage(fight or flight).

Another thing you should try and understand is that other people don't understand you at all because they are social creatures coming from a very free flowing social atmosphere. I always think everyone hates me too, but the truth is they are just put off by me because of how antisocial I can be. Most people are ready to forgive you and actually want to know you and be friends with you. Everyone judges, its a survival instinct.

Book suggestion: Read Jiddu Krishnamurti's book "Awakening Intelligence". Its full of ways to free your mind from social constrictions and helps teach you to trust your own thinking.

Don't read any of the "10 ways to better yourself" type books or articles or any self help books. Those really only succeed in saying "10 ways to better yourself, because you're not good enough". In my opinion, being alive is the best life you can live already, anything else is a perk, even having people around to hate/disagree with.
 

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Wisdom

You sound like someone who has incredible intuition. I think if you keep practicing your deep meditations you may find the path to wisdom at a young age. Wisdom is found through experience, by dealing with troubles in life whether real or imaginary. So, the more we struggle, the more wisdom we obtain. Keep your head up because you are probably much more wise than you yet realize. Also, it takes incredible intelligence and intuition to form social anxieties and feelings of worthlessness, believe it or not. So, being able to form those judgments about yourself takes quite a bit of useful ability.
 

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one more thing...

I feel that we are all going through a cocoon stage. We are creepy crawlies in a cocoon who will someday soon arise as beautiful, vibrant, and elegant beings who shine bright. The butterfly has an ugly beginning and a beautiful end after its metamorphosis. I believe, as long as we can hold on through the harsh beginning, we will all blossom into something wonderful.
 

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much of what you described i could relate to either now or in my past. I think that you sound very aware of what you are going through and though that might seem like a curse and a blessing, atleast you are conscientious of it.

You should perhaps seek professional help for some assistance in dealing with all that that you are going through and to learn some new coping methods. visualization can be good, but i wonder, even though it feels good, how good it really is to be visualizing something that necessarily involves not having anyone else around. I don't know.

I used to look up to serial killers when i was a teenager and though that death was the best part of life, it being the relative end of suffering.. I used to say. It scared my mom. But on the other hand, it led me into a fascination with the "abnormal" if you want. Nevertheless, fantasizing can be destructive or rather not constructive, it would be nice to replace that with something more constructive.. !
 

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a key feature of this that others may have mentioned is that, you are very very aware of your thoughts. and you know they are irrational. it would still no doubt take a lot more to combat them completely, but having that awareness i don't believe means that you would have a personality disorder. and i think thats the first (and difficult) step to seeking treatment options. whether they are meditation, therapy, CBT, medication, etc.
it would definitely be a great idea to seek help for the problem. you already have a pretty good grasp on knowing about it which will be very useful when it comes to starting therapy or whatever you chose to do.

good luck with everything :)
 

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Faded Lines, I just want to say I'm happy:clap for you that you experienced a good day.

I have had thoughts similar to what you described about feeling "it's because of me that the team won" (or words to that effect). There are times I've felt "paranoid" also. It is not easy, I know. Just take it day by day (that's what I personally try to do anyway). Life is stressful enough. I can relate to a lot of what you posted. I, too, wonder what people are saying after I've left the conversation (and I wish I could be that proverbial "fly on the wall" as some refer to it - and still hear what they're saying - maybe get a "whisper 2000" or similar device - jk:D - half jk, lol!) Don't worry, I'm not laughing at you, I'm just being silly:roll.

I would like to say more in the line of encouragement to you, my brain is on freeze today (part of my shyness, I think).

Anyway, again, I'm glad you experienced a better day:)!
 
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