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Hi guys,
I have nowhere else to turn. I didn't think I'd be back here, and I really am not here to stay. But, despite my overcoming of most of my social anxiety, I have something else plaguing me. I posted about it on various psychology forums, but nobody is really replying. Here we go...oh and also this is the second time I have posted about this on here, but it was a really long time ago and I seriously think I have it. I know the end is violent, but I beg of you not to delete it.
For as long as I can remember, I have been "untrustworthy" of other people. I sort of contradict myself, though, since I constantly speak my mind, voice my opinions and share personal information with a bunch of people. That last part, perhaps, is for attention, but that is just a guess as to why I have no problem with doing so. I don't feel that way, but maybe my mind feels different deep down. Anyway, yeah, I don't trust people in a different sense. I always feel that others are conversing about me, even if I don't know them. If I do badly on something, say perform badly at soccer, I feel like every single person that was there is talking about how badly I did, even the next day at school. I quietly and nervously look for laughs in the distance in the cafeteria, and automatically assume they are talking about me. When I leave a group of people, I get very tense and wish that I could still hear what they are conversing about. It tears at my mind until I have some sort of confirmation, which is rare, that it was not about me at all.
That isn't the worst of it. I am very quick to say I hate people, because I feel like they are an a**hole even if they never harmed me. I am extremely hostile, but I mostly keep that inside my mind and don't show it. However, I feel like people hate me, so I am somewhat cruel in return. I cannot take a compliment easily. I take every smile, kind and innocent gesture the wrong way. Any kindness directed my way is never received in the way it is supposed to. I feel as if the person who did it is faking it, and only doing it to please me or something. I observe the person thoroughly to make sure they meant it, which is mentally taxing. If someone is somewhat unresponsive in conversation, does not smile or ignores me, it has the same effect. I start to wonder why they are doing that, and then I develop a strong hate towards them for not being so direct with their emotions...but perhaps those were direct?
Doesn't seem too bad, but let me elaborate further. These things that I stated, these thoughts, consume me. They tear at my mind and put me in a state of rage, self-hate, hate towards others and ultimate panic. When I am feeling happy, things from the past that indicate any sort of negative notion towards me start to pound at my brain, and I can't stop them. I start to feel ill, and wish that I could read peoples minds. I begin to think about eliminating those that have "wronged" me, or been cold towards me (in reality or in my mind). When I say eliminate, I mean kill them. I get extreme pleasure from fantasizing about brutally beating or torturing the person who I feel paranoid towards. When I wipe them out, I wipe out their judgment and ultimately the paranoia. That's how I feel, at least. I am obsessed with power, as well. Now, in person I do not show this, but mentally it shouts within me, begging to get out. I am fascinated with serial killers, since they are the choosers of life, in the most unique ways. They do what they please to satisfy their urge, and mine would be to rid those who cause me a great deal of paranoia. I won't actually do it, but this is how I think.
I sometimes go in the shower and get down on my knees and start clawing at my brain because I can't stand thinking this way anymore. It is really exhausting and irrational. Perhaps paranoia is just total awareness?
That really is the best I can describe it, and this is already getting too long. I realize my argument towards this disorder seems weak, but just for more clarification I will post the symptoms of it that I have that I found on a website. I should also add that I dwell on mistakes to the point of insanity and cannot ignore them. When I say insanity, I really mean it.
-Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
-Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
-Reads benign remarks or events as threatening or demeaning.
Persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
-Perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
Thank you for reading. Really wish I could express my emotions in words better, but that was the best I could do.
**Oh, another thing** I try by best to live and die by "It doesn't matter what others think of you". I don't, in most aspects, but deep down I do. So, that's annoying as all hell. My mind works against me. I am all for being myself, which I do so well, and am getting DEM ("Doesnt Even Matter") tattooed on my forearm to remind myself that it doesn't matter one f***ing bit.
I have nowhere else to turn. I didn't think I'd be back here, and I really am not here to stay. But, despite my overcoming of most of my social anxiety, I have something else plaguing me. I posted about it on various psychology forums, but nobody is really replying. Here we go...oh and also this is the second time I have posted about this on here, but it was a really long time ago and I seriously think I have it. I know the end is violent, but I beg of you not to delete it.
For as long as I can remember, I have been "untrustworthy" of other people. I sort of contradict myself, though, since I constantly speak my mind, voice my opinions and share personal information with a bunch of people. That last part, perhaps, is for attention, but that is just a guess as to why I have no problem with doing so. I don't feel that way, but maybe my mind feels different deep down. Anyway, yeah, I don't trust people in a different sense. I always feel that others are conversing about me, even if I don't know them. If I do badly on something, say perform badly at soccer, I feel like every single person that was there is talking about how badly I did, even the next day at school. I quietly and nervously look for laughs in the distance in the cafeteria, and automatically assume they are talking about me. When I leave a group of people, I get very tense and wish that I could still hear what they are conversing about. It tears at my mind until I have some sort of confirmation, which is rare, that it was not about me at all.
That isn't the worst of it. I am very quick to say I hate people, because I feel like they are an a**hole even if they never harmed me. I am extremely hostile, but I mostly keep that inside my mind and don't show it. However, I feel like people hate me, so I am somewhat cruel in return. I cannot take a compliment easily. I take every smile, kind and innocent gesture the wrong way. Any kindness directed my way is never received in the way it is supposed to. I feel as if the person who did it is faking it, and only doing it to please me or something. I observe the person thoroughly to make sure they meant it, which is mentally taxing. If someone is somewhat unresponsive in conversation, does not smile or ignores me, it has the same effect. I start to wonder why they are doing that, and then I develop a strong hate towards them for not being so direct with their emotions...but perhaps those were direct?
Doesn't seem too bad, but let me elaborate further. These things that I stated, these thoughts, consume me. They tear at my mind and put me in a state of rage, self-hate, hate towards others and ultimate panic. When I am feeling happy, things from the past that indicate any sort of negative notion towards me start to pound at my brain, and I can't stop them. I start to feel ill, and wish that I could read peoples minds. I begin to think about eliminating those that have "wronged" me, or been cold towards me (in reality or in my mind). When I say eliminate, I mean kill them. I get extreme pleasure from fantasizing about brutally beating or torturing the person who I feel paranoid towards. When I wipe them out, I wipe out their judgment and ultimately the paranoia. That's how I feel, at least. I am obsessed with power, as well. Now, in person I do not show this, but mentally it shouts within me, begging to get out. I am fascinated with serial killers, since they are the choosers of life, in the most unique ways. They do what they please to satisfy their urge, and mine would be to rid those who cause me a great deal of paranoia. I won't actually do it, but this is how I think.
I sometimes go in the shower and get down on my knees and start clawing at my brain because I can't stand thinking this way anymore. It is really exhausting and irrational. Perhaps paranoia is just total awareness?
That really is the best I can describe it, and this is already getting too long. I realize my argument towards this disorder seems weak, but just for more clarification I will post the symptoms of it that I have that I found on a website. I should also add that I dwell on mistakes to the point of insanity and cannot ignore them. When I say insanity, I really mean it.
-Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
-Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
-Reads benign remarks or events as threatening or demeaning.
Persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
-Perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
Thank you for reading. Really wish I could express my emotions in words better, but that was the best I could do.
**Oh, another thing** I try by best to live and die by "It doesn't matter what others think of you". I don't, in most aspects, but deep down I do. So, that's annoying as all hell. My mind works against me. I am all for being myself, which I do so well, and am getting DEM ("Doesnt Even Matter") tattooed on my forearm to remind myself that it doesn't matter one f***ing bit.