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First of all, I'm not sure if this is the correct place to be posting this but I think it's the best fit. Second, this is going to be a pretty long read but if you have the time then please continue reading. I apologize first hand for my following post if it offends anyone somehow, in any way. Also, I'm sorry if things seem out of order and certain things random, it probably is. I just wanted to type everything on my mind out, though I'm sure I'm probably leaving something out.

So some background information first. I am in high school and I have this "friend" whom I met during freshmen year in a class and ... I don't know a nicer way to say this at the moment but things were kind of awkward because he was "weird" or "different", not like the "norm", but I'm not one to not be friends with someone cause they're not like the "norm"(Just to clarify, I'm not talking mentally/physically disabled, just "weird"). We only had that 1 class together, and I did not only talk him in the class because I had other friends also, but down the line he confessed to me, over text, that he liked me, but I turned him down because I only see him as a friend and I liked someone else. I honestly can't remember much after that but I think we got along pretty well. Sophomore and junior year we had no classes together but we saw each other around school, though we never hung out even though I think we had the same lunch junior year, but he ate in classroom stating he was too lazy or something. We texted each other every now and then, and chatted a while on facebook, but only over friendly things.

This year was the start of my trouble, we still have no classes together but once again have the same lunch and I decided to persuade him to come join my friends for lunch. At the start, he'd come like once every other week or so, but then something happened to him and he was gone from school for like 2 weeks. I texted him to ask what's up and he said he has been hospitalized, didn't say what for though and I didn't pursue the matter in case it was something serious. So eventually he comes back, and starts coming to "my" table more often, and now he sits there everyday, next to me. The problem for me is, he doesn't talk unless I initiate the conversation. I italicized texting and messaging because it's like our friendship is based off of it, and honestly I'm sick of it. I have a little bit of social anxiety myself, not being able to make friends easily because I'm scared of judgement, but once I do make friends with someone then I can talk freely. With him, even though I'm his friend he still can't... speak freely. I know people are different, which is why I'm seeking opinions on this matter. I put quotation marks around "friend" and the like because for a while now, I don't see him as a friend, more of an acquaintance. I know that with texting, he can, I suppose, speak freely. However, the things he say is quite harsh in my opinion, one of those things where it's like "Why can't you say that to my face?". I state that his comments are quite hurtful and he says something along the lines that friends tell friends the truth. Though that is quite true, like I said I haven't considered him as a friend for a while (a while before that "conversation") and I think only best friends could point out their friend's flaws because only they would truly know their friend. I may just be easily offended , I don't know. Admittedly nowadays at lunch I haven't really been talking to him. At the beginning of lunch I usually say "Hi" and offer him food (because he doesn't eat lunch anymore) and he has taken my offer for some before but now things got quite complicated and he doesn't anymore. Now I greet him, he greets me back, and there is an awkward silence (between us), I have conversations with my other friends at the table just fine. My friends and him don't really talk either, that's because they don't know him and though they've put in the effort to engage him into conversations at first, he doesn't.. return the efforts. Why don't I initiate the conversation with him and try to engage him? Truth be told, I'm sick of it. My mentality is you can only help a person so much, but they should want to help themselves.

Today was my "realization" as one could say. Lunch had been the same o' same o' with us being quiet to each other. As I don't often check my awful, old phone, I realize I received a text from him about an hour later, a period after lunch. Expletive(s?) were used and basically said that I had been using him all throughout high school. I'm honestly only a little bit ashamed to say that I texted back to him something along the lines of "[expletive] you right back". I mean, who wouldn't be angry if someone curses at you?

Bottom line is, I've been quite paranoid about this friend for a while, I get an eerie feeling from him, feeling that he would do something horrible, to me specifically. I think of it every now and then, it doesn't preoccupy my life though. Other things about him backs up my feeling of this, like him sometime mumbling to himself (less than often) and I think that maybe, he has some other kind of disorder besides social anxiety. As someone who only has a little bit of social anxiety and may not fully understand it, what is your opinion on this? This is all from my perspective, so how else do you see it?
 

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Why don't you just tell him that you don't consider him a friend and would prefer it if he stayed away from you? I hope you're not expecting him to read your mind.

I get an eerie feeling from him, feeling that he would do something horrible, to me specifically.
Wave you seen the film Spiral? If not then watch it. It should tell you everything you need to know.
 

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Just tell him you guys can't be friends and that you wish he would just be able to open up. This is going to resonate in his head for a while and he might just change. If you just drop him without telling him the problem he would be worse off.
 

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My previous flatmate was extremely socially anxious, a textbook case whereas I'm like you only mild, he would quite often get invited out to work drinks (thats where I met him) and like your friend would just sit there in total silence while everyone else would be chatting away.
I felt kind of sorry for him, people would talk to him but he'd just answer never initiate and basically couldn't really carry a conversation. Conversing with him was too much hard work. He also had a dark side, he held racist views and was a nazi sympathizer truth be told I'm glad I don't live with him any more I just found his views to be too repulsive.
I often wonder about people on this site that claim nobody likes them, no one invites them anywhere, but then if they act your mate is it any surprise? If you don't make any effort why expect others to do the same for you? Some people really are beyond help.
Your mate went off at you, perhaps its only fair you confront him about how you try to talk to him but that you don't get much in return and that friendship is a 2 way street, I'd do it a firm but nice way rather than just having a go, though.
 

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do you have any REAL reason to believe that he would do something "horrible" to you?....apply LOGIC to the situation..I know there's the whole stereotype about quite/awkward guys being potential serial killers and all that nonsense but its MORE than likely that this guy you're talking about just doesnt know how to socialize properly and maybe someone should just tell him flat out that he needs to work on his social skills if he wants to have friends....I think that would be much more beneficial than drawing some melodramatic conclusion about him potentially doing some "horrible" stuff to you...unless you REALLY have a reason to believe that you're in some kind of danger..

and just to clear things up, do NOT draw any logical conclusions from the movie "Spiral" -_-
 

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Honestly, just from what you wrote to going to your last sentence about him maybe doing something, it just doesn't make sense to me. At all. Did you ever consider that to him you were possibly the closest friend he had? Yeah, you may have only considered him an acquaintance, but you also have other friends much closer than him. He probably doesn't, so he has nothing to relate it to. His rude comments to you could also be him just being out of the social loop for too long. Social skills are tools, and when you don't use them enough, they get pretty darn rusty.

Not trying to harp on you, but it really just seems like this has been blown out of proportion junior high style. If he doesn't want to make the effort for friends, then that's his problem. I would simply just tell him that you don't want to talk to him anymore and leave it there.

Also when people talk about people in situations like this and assume that they want help, I think it's kind of ridiculous. Everybody can decide their lives for themselves and as much as you might pity them, you can't assume that they want to change or are actually in need of help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for all the comments guys and girls, I believe I just had to let time go by instead of thinking irrationally. My "paranoia" does seem unreasonable to me now, and as Logston stated, I may have blown things out of proportion with my perspective. He didn't show up at lunch today, but appears fine and normal according to a couple of friends who have class with him. Things may already be "resolved" as we'll just avoid one another for the rest of the school year (there's only 2 months left) and never see each other again since we're going to different universities, or should I confront/tell him why I acted the way I did? As in like JLupul said about him opening up? I do feel bad about dropping him as a friend because I remember the good times we had freshmen year. However, yesterday I deleted his number so I can't contact him, so if I do "confront" him should I find him during lunch?
 

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My previous flatmate was extremely socially anxious, a textbook case whereas I'm like you only mild, he would quite often get invited out to work drinks (thats where I met him) and like your friend would just sit there in total silence while everyone else would be chatting away.
I felt kind of sorry for him, people would talk to him but he'd just answer never initiate and basically couldn't really carry a conversation. Conversing with him was too much hard work. He also had a dark side, he held racist views and was a nazi sympathizer truth be told I'm glad I don't live with him any more I just found his views to be too repulsive.
I often wonder about people on this site that claim nobody likes them, no one invites them anywhere, but then if they act your mate is it any surprise? If you don't make any effort why expect others to do the same for you? Some people really are beyond help.
Your mate went off at you, perhaps its only fair you confront him about how you try to talk to him but that you don't get much in return and that friendship is a 2 way street, I'd do it a firm but nice way rather than just having a go, though.
you can't just talk to some people with SA, and expect them to just straight up try their best to have a conversation with you, a lot of people with SA really do want to say something, personally, sometimes I even have something in my mind, that I think would be clever to say, but I never end up saying it because I'm to scared of judgement, it's deeper than "not putting any effort in" It's hard sometimes.
 

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I was in a similar situation. However, I was the guy being awkward and strange. I had a reason though. Was concerned about the girl and it enveloped my thoughts. Thought she was hurting herself or something so I got desperate. I shouldn't have told her I loved her either. (I truly did, I was surprised and thought about it alot) Truth be told we often don't realize our own follies until it's over. I was also depressed at the time ( house was flooded by Sandy too) and was constantly mistreated so I wasn't acting normal. A mutual friend told me how she felt so I backed down. Tried to reach out after six months and get closure because of guilt but she doesn't want to talk anymore. I'm better now and I wanted to talk to her with a clear head.

What I'm trying to say is that maybe he feels secure around you. Maybe he doesn't see how he may be acting, like I did. I'd love to consider myself kind hearted and I definitely wouldn't intentionally cause harm. I think you should talk it out. I was severely depressed and it made me delusional and bitter. There could be something he might not be telling. I mumble once in awhile in the mornings when I try to talk to someone. If he's doing it to himself maybe it's a self-defense mechanism. What I noticed is that we generalize our feelings and that MAYBE he sees everyone as a threat. Be sweet with him and just ask. Maybe he'll tell you what's wrong.
 

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Wow that's quite a read. It seems obvious to me his motivation for his behavior, you said in the beginning, he liked you. The best thing to do you did, you told him you don't feel the same, unfortunately he was unable to seperate his emotions for you when you thought you could be friends. I'd say in his mind that meant there was a chance, a word here a word there a text here and there, which would have meant so much to him, and then there were no reciprocating feelings so he felt used, poor *******, not your fault though, can't help but feel for the guy but he's got a lot of learning to do, maybe you could kick that off for him.
 

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Let's not draw conclusions just from the fact that he doesn't know how to talk. There are plenty of disorders that have this as a common symptom.

IMO the way he behaved points me to other directions. I don't think any person with SA would accuse the other of using him!?
 

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Wow, thanks for this post.

I think it provides a very valuable perspective into the way others might see some of us on this forum, and I think everyone should read.

In fact, after reading this I thought back to what I did today, and realized how I must have come off to others. The 'acquaintance' situation is very familiar to me.

I also think you've handled the whole situation really well - I don't think many people would have the patience and understanding that you've displayed, based on this post. Hopefully you two can work something out.
 

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you can't just talk to some people with SA, and expect them to just straight up try their best to have a conversation with you, a lot of people with SA really do want to say something, personally, sometimes I even have something in my mind, that I think would be clever to say, but I never end up saying it because I'm to scared of judgement, it's deeper than "not putting any effort in" It's hard sometimes.
I know it is hard, i'm not near as anxious now as i was when i was say in my early twenties but i know how hard it is. But if you just sit there in a social situation in total silence because you're too afraid to talk and when people try to talk to you you just give one or two word answers and nothing else, how are you gonna expect people to want to hang out with you?
Perhaps you should say that something when you're too afraid to next time, i still think its better to try and fail at something than to never try at all.
But i hear ya, i know how the fear holds you back, you just gotta do it despite it.
 
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