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Okay so I know I made a thread before about paranoia - one topic. Today I would like to relate my own calling myself stupid, *****, etc. to the link to my paranoia over the FACT that no one's harming me (including my fellow posters on SAS).

Something happened today.

On one hand, I could turn around and say my parent called me stupid. But if I look deeper, my pain arises not from her words but the degree of my own self-mutilation. So, what I've been told was that she's just "helping" me in the long run.

Why?

I must disclose I am feeling so much pain right now. And the thought that someone is calling me stupid prohibits me from living the happy, healthy life I have the right to live. I know people are helping me, but the words they use to do it perhaps is technical. So, instead of directly telling me I have a problem with martial arts, they sugarcoat it.

I feel like I'm being forced to be paranoid. It's not a good feeling. I know, in the next second someone on Lifeline (A psychology line) will tell me that it's not good for a parent to call me stupid. But it ends there - a cliffhanger. When I say "my fellow posters on SAS" I mean the other people. I'm not lying, and I'm sure that the other people on here would help me as much as possible, so it's safe to say that no one really is out to get me? Like, even in this post, I have paranoid thoughts such as "They will call me stupid the first chance they get", or "They will take time to sexually assault me".

The one question is, Have I?

Have I been through their beatings? It seems the positive or negative they talk about is not really the positive or negative I talk about. If I wait and see, 99 percent of the time, others will tell me they're not out to get me, they're not conspiring against me, that they can explain their actions. Nuff said.

I don't believe it. My argument is, since I'm so worthless and useless, people are bound to see through my feeble and realize I'm really a stupid person after all. Then, this awful cycle continues - I know people are of benefit to me - really help me get things into perspective. I should not curse myself, nor insult myself, nor get them to fight me. Yeah. I guess I'm not silly. It's just that no one is out to get me but I'm not very convinced. This is the deep deep root of my paranoia. It helps when I put my beliefs to the test - as in actually set up an experiment to see if people are actually plotting as I speak. Yeah, I could do that.

Point is, I feel horrible when I'm believing other people are plotting behind my back, are trying to rape, murder, abduct, abuse, gossip about me. My roommate once said to give people the benefit of doubt. So I guess when people say they are not out to get me, they're helping me. Perhaps it's all these years of self abuse, and I've never considered getting help from others an option. Man I still feel so bad right now cause I've stated that I didn't believe. What should I do? I mean, I'm just student age. I don't have the authority of an adult. But then again, adults are not out to get me, and besides, I should not put myself down for being a child. I don't need this self abuse.

Not only do I feel bad, the worst part of it is the recent events that upset me. People are trying to pull me back to reality by telling me they aren't out to get me. God. I'm not slime. I don't deserve to call myself stupid. I created a prison for myself and I think others are trying to get me out. I mean, what I mean is rational. But it seems to be a downward cycle. The more I sink into this paranoia, the more paranoid I get. Self destruction thankfully is a linear equation. What are the factors? Self hate, and also paranoia that one is out to get you. So here I am paranoid as heck about the other members of Social Anxiety Support out to get me. I should read more about true cases of abuse. Even my perception about how others are plotting to sexually assault me. It's just inhabitable mental space. I'm not mental. Perhaps I could get treatment from this. I'm pretty concerned because even when I'm at home I'm thinking: I hate my parents cause I'm blocking them trying to help me. So, I end up blaming myself (I should not block them) and accusing them of harming me which is a scientific impossibility. Because of this, my life is filled with moments I function and the moments I succumb to paranoia. The times where I succumb to paranoia are the times I self harm. :( And you're probably trying to fix. I could say I'm pretty well off. After all, I could assume this. Because I'm well off, don't I deserve self praise? That's what my friends in the USA were trying to help me with, and that's what my parents are trying to help me with. They're not insulting me. I'm twisting reality. Why I'm twisting reality? It seems I'm self-abusive. My parents want to help me stop being so self-abusive. Rape?
 
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