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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So this post is like a last resort for me now. Cliffs notes: lonely, suicidal, out of options. This is really long but in order to fully describe what's happening all of it had to be said.

I guess to fully understand what's going on in my life its an important detail that from the age of 6 to 16 i was abused almost every day by my sister who always had about 30-40 pounds on me and knew how to use it forcefully. Long story short because of this I would lock myself in my room whenever I got the chance to and basically shut myself off from everything and everyone. My parents didn't see it happening - the only time they really talked to me (my dad especially) was when my sister would injure herself and then claim that I was the one who hit her, which would make my parents yell at me (she loved seeing me get in trouble and I know now that it was a twisted perversion of her own anxiety about being in trouble). All of this went on without me understanding that it was abuse, so I would talk to her and I thought she was a friend and I thought what was happening was normal since nobody ever told me otherwise, until I realized at the age of 16, when her abusive nature escalated, that it wasn't normal at all. At that point I stopped all contact with her, which she perceived as a punishment (fuelling her anxiety about being in trouble), and she stopped abusing me. The next two years of highschool I remained out of contact with her, and she stopped abusing me.

Whats important here is that during these two years my anxiety about the situation grew. I was understanding what had happened to me and i was seeing a world without that abuse. Then there's her, still chaotic, unpredictable, and obviously unchanged, living in the same house as me. My fear now (at age 21) has escalated so much that any contact with her is absolutely not tolerable. The way I see it, talking to her again will open up that door. That maybe I talk to her supervised, then the supervision will go away eventually, which means isolated contact, which means she's free to do what she wants. Physically overbearing as ever.

Now bear that info in mind while I take you where I intended to take you.

I went to college at age 18. I was in a dorm, made friends with my roomate despite my intense social anxiety, that evolved to a group of friends and after a year i got a girlfriend. I ended up failing out of that college because I had real friends for the first time in my life and got caught up in it, went home for a semester then transferred to another college. My girlfriend stayed with me until I got to this college. What happened was that I found myself unable to make friends anymore. I also couldn't see my friends from the other college anymore because it was too far. I became depressed and she couldn't figure out how to make me feel better. She decided it was too much and a week before our one year anniversary she broke up with me. My other friends split up from eachother and kinda lost contact with me.

I went to see a shrink at my college here, and we worked towards getting me into group therapy because individual was a limited time deal. By the time my individual sessions expired, I was only able to make occasional eye contact in a group therapy setting because of the intensity of my social anxiety in that situation. I saw a psychiatrist, who gave me med after med after med, each one giving me another allergic reaction putting me in the hospital for a few days, until we ran out of options. Because of that I failed two classes this semester, which puts me on the border of academic probation.

I got a job, hoping i'd make some friends there. I've been working there almost a year as a cashier. I became the 'weird guy' around the store because i'm so reserved. And actually I'm now dealing with the cops because a few people from work assaulted me. My supervisor got let go because of budget cuts and just about everyone was going to chili's with her as a goodbye thing. So I asked someone if I could go, thinking maybe a social event would ya know. help me make some friends around here. The girl I asked, the one setting it up, thought it was funny. She told a couple of her guy friends that work there, and they came over and started laughing, which turned into shoving, which turned into me getting beat up in the parking lot as I left work that day.

The kicker - I went home over winter break. I called home when I was leaving to let my parents know I was comming. I expected one of my parents to answer, but it was my sister. Terrified, I hung up the phone. When I got home, my parents, fuming, screamed at me and said that if I can't talk to my sister and if I can't stop making our family look dysfunctional and if i'm as f***ed up as I am they're going to refuse to continue paying for college for me. I've been on student loans for quite some time, and now that my parents aren't cosigning i'm in debt several thousand dollars, no college degree. (To explain a bit here, tuition was from them, but I had loans for my apartment and living expenses. I live in a single apartment.)

So here's where I'm at, and i sincerely need help. I have no friends. No girlfriend (my heart is still bleeding from it even though it happened back in October, its late may now). No family (i'm not allowed home anymore. I am completely kicked out). I'm out of individual therapy sessions, in debt thousands of dollars, have no degree, can't find medication that doesnt put me in the hospital, and can't survive a group therapy session without sobbing all the way home to throw up and pass out on my bathroom floor. I don't know what else there is for me to do. I do sometimes think about just ending my life because basically everywhere i've gone for help they say 'sorry but good luck out there' and I just cant see myself being happy.

So please. Any suggestions, any ideas, anything to help me actually keep myself alive here, anything at all would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.
 

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It makes sad reading stuff like this because I have no idea what kind of advice to give. :( I'm really sorry that life has been so hard for you. The only thing I can really say is don't give up. Life tends to surprise us even in our darkest times.
 

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hang in there

I had some pretty bad lows myself. Often times taking my life would pass through my mind but one thing I always remember was my mom telling me that if I ever took my life it would be in sin. I recently, decided to go to church and have devoted myself fully to Jesus Christ. I thought since I had tried other things and it didn't work why not fully devote my self to church. So I got involved and have found a lot of support from other Christians. Listening to others has help me persevere and I know that today will pass and there will be a new beginning! I will pray for you. Good Luck. Go strong with God!!!! He will never let you down.
 

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You have gone though a lot. It is sad your family treats you the way they do. They should be the ones you count on. What you need to remember though is it can get better. You have had a girlfriend before which I know a lot of people with SA have not had. Since you have had that experience it may be easier for you to find someone. Once you find that someone I am sure you will be happy. You just need to take it one day at a time. It seems when things are going bad they really go bad. Once you hit the good times hopefully they will keep on rolling. Trust me I know how hard it is, but you never know what can happen.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
idk. in my current situation i've become so depressed and so scared about what to do that i can't function most days. I can't sleep can't eat (not that I can afford much more than ramen anyway) and I don't feel the desire to get out of bed because honestly there's no reason to. I have nobody to talk to no direction in my life anymore and idk. I mean its fine to say just hang in there but just hanging in there isn't getting me out of this depression. Just hanging in there is reinforcing it and thats why I made this last resort help me post. Because I have been trying to help myself and have had absolutely no results from it and i just dont know how to rectify anything right now. I call the crisis center so much that they probably know me by name now or have my number on file or something. The thought of suicide is an almost daily one (no plans and honestly i doubt i'll do anything because the thought of death causes intense panic attacks for me) but I have nowhere to turn for help because I have negative dollars. And the school psychiatrist even told me she didnt think i was "ready" for therapy whatever that means. I just need something that I can try because I feel like i've tried it all.
 

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So this post is like a last resort for me now. Cliffs notes: lonely, suicidal, out of options. This is really long but in order to fully describe what's happening all of it had to be said.

I guess to fully understand what's going on in my life its an important detail that from the age of 6 to 16 i was abused almost every day by my sister who always had about 30-40 pounds on me and knew how to use it forcefully. Long story short because of this I would lock myself in my room whenever I got the chance to and basically shut myself off from everything and everyone. My parents didn't see it happening - the only time they really talked to me (my dad especially) was when my sister would injure herself and then claim that I was the one who hit her, which would make my parents yell at me (she loved seeing me get in trouble and I know now that it was a twisted perversion of her own anxiety about being in trouble). All of this went on without me understanding that it was abuse, so I would talk to her and I thought she was a friend and I thought what was happening was normal since nobody ever told me otherwise, until I realized at the age of 16, when her abusive nature escalated, that it wasn't normal at all. At that point I stopped all contact with her, which she perceived as a punishment (fuelling her anxiety about being in trouble), and she stopped abusing me. The next two years of highschool I remained out of contact with her, and she stopped abusing me.

Whats important here is that during these two years my anxiety about the situation grew. I was understanding what had happened to me and i was seeing a world without that abuse. Then there's her, still chaotic, unpredictable, and obviously unchanged, living in the same house as me. My fear now (at age 21) has escalated so much that any contact with her is absolutely not tolerable. The way I see it, talking to her again will open up that door. That maybe I talk to her supervised, then the supervision will go away eventually, which means isolated contact, which means she's free to do what she wants. Physically overbearing as ever.

Now bear that info in mind while I take you where I intended to take you.

I went to college at age 18. I was in a dorm, made friends with my roomate despite my intense social anxiety, that evolved to a group of friends and after a year i got a girlfriend. I ended up failing out of that college because I had real friends for the first time in my life and got caught up in it, went home for a semester then transferred to another college. My girlfriend stayed with me until I got to this college. What happened was that I found myself unable to make friends anymore. I also couldn't see my friends from the other college anymore because it was too far. I became depressed and she couldn't figure out how to make me feel better. She decided it was too much and a week before our one year anniversary she broke up with me. My other friends split up from eachother and kinda lost contact with me.

I went to see a shrink at my college here, and we worked towards getting me into group therapy because individual was a limited time deal. By the time my individual sessions expired, I was only able to make occasional eye contact in a group therapy setting because of the intensity of my social anxiety in that situation. I saw a psychiatrist, who gave me med after med after med, each one giving me another allergic reaction putting me in the hospital for a few days, until we ran out of options. Because of that I failed two classes this semester, which puts me on the border of academic probation.

I got a job, hoping i'd make some friends there. I've been working there almost a year as a cashier. I became the 'weird guy' around the store because i'm so reserved. And actually I'm now dealing with the cops because a few people from work assaulted me. My supervisor got let go because of budget cuts and just about everyone was going to chili's with her as a goodbye thing. So I asked someone if I could go, thinking maybe a social event would ya know. help me make some friends around here. The girl I asked, the one setting it up, thought it was funny. She told a couple of her guy friends that work there, and they came over and started laughing, which turned into shoving, which turned into me getting beat up in the parking lot as I left work that day.

The kicker - I went home over winter break. I called home when I was leaving to let my parents know I was comming. I expected one of my parents to answer, but it was my sister. Terrified, I hung up the phone. When I got home, my parents, fuming, screamed at me and said that if I can't talk to my sister and if I can't stop making our family look dysfunctional and if i'm as f***ed up as I am they're going to refuse to continue paying for college for me. I've been on student loans for quite some time, and now that my parents aren't cosigning i'm in debt several thousand dollars, no college degree. (To explain a bit here, tuition was from them, but I had loans for my apartment and living expenses. I live in a single apartment.)

So here's where I'm at, and i sincerely need help. I have no friends. No girlfriend (my heart is still bleeding from it even though it happened back in October, its late may now). No family (i'm not allowed home anymore. I am completely kicked out). I'm out of individual therapy sessions, in debt thousands of dollars, have no degree, can't find medication that doesnt put me in the hospital, and can't survive a group therapy session without sobbing all the way home to throw up and pass out on my bathroom floor. I don't know what else there is for me to do. I do sometimes think about just ending my life because basically everywhere i've gone for help they say 'sorry but good luck out there' and I just cant see myself being happy.

So please. Any suggestions, any ideas, anything to help me actually keep myself alive here, anything at all would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.
you need KNOWLEDGE mate its as simple as that.

im 26, unemployed, no friends , no girl friend, no life , 30 grand in debt, live alone , no family . ive got nothing but im excited about my future and im the opposite of suidal and the reason for this is that ive got all of th KNOWLEDGE in the world.

i nderstand life, i understand SA, i know how to turn my life around cos i have the knowldge.

i was once a lost helpless soul who could see no future for myself and considered giving up and ending it all but i had this desire to be happy and get the best out of my life. that desire drove me to go on a journey of self dicovery and get all th knwoldge i need to make my life better

if acquire all of the knowedge you ned i PROMISE your attitude and outlook will dramatcially chage

here is my advice :

*get as much info on SA as possible. gillan butlers book overcoming shy and sa great cos it makes you realise there are millions of people just like you

*findout asmuh as yuo can about things like the law of attraction etc.... these bad things that keep happening to you are happening for a reason. its not your fault. you just have to accept that its your conciouness that is casuing these things. whatever happens in your conciousness is reflected in your outside world. for instance if you beleive in your conciouness that you dont deserve o be wealthy then this will show up in your world and you will end up being in debt
all this abuse oyuve recieved is just a result of your conciousness

*find out as much as you can about the human mid and human behvaiour. how it all works . nlp and especially te nlp communication model will really help

*find out as much as you can about how life works. the power of kabbalahby yehuda beg i perfect for this type of knowledge
 

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I'm really sorry that things have been so bad.

I agree that the Gillian Butler book that socially inept mentioned is good. Reading lots of positive, motivational books/listening to positive cds can help but apart from that I don't have much advice.

I hope things improve for you. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for the replies.

The book you recommended, the gillian butler one, looks like it uses CBT as its primary method of solving the issue. CBT is something I had done for about a year and a half that proved completely ineffective. I just wasn't able to change my pattern of thinking. Like i'd try reframing or whatever but the new thoughts were too forced and the bad ones seemed primal and refused to be altered. So the effect was more like me plugging my ears going 'LALALA CANT HEAR YOU' but the thoughts didn't go away. I've been to three therapists who tried CBT and none could get past that hurdle with me.

I mean having been through years and years of therapy I think I have a good amount of knowlege about why i am anxious and what SA is and some methods of dealing with it and so forth but i just can't seem to get rid of it or get past my anxiety no matter what I do it's so powerful.
 

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i posted something today too because i was at my wits end and it made me feel a little better. i hope telling your story provided you with a little bit of relief. my life didn't start really changing until i found spirituality, it's different for everyone, but it helped me understand the bigger picture of why i'm here. i read eckhart tolle's book a new earth and there's also a book by elizabeth lesser called broken open: how difficult times can make you stronger. i haven't read it yet, but the next time the poop hits the fan, i'm running to the store to get it. i also keep a book of inspirational quotes that i read when i feel down. when i read your post I thought of one i read in the story "the alchemist": the darkest moment comes before dawn. you seem like a really strong person even though you might not see it that way. what you've been through is unbelievable and the fact that you're here today writing about it shows in some way that you've beaten the odds.
 

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The book you recommended, the gillian butler one, looks like it uses CBT as its primary method of solving the issue. CBT is something I had done for about a year and a half that proved completely ineffective. I just wasn't able to change my pattern of thinking. Like i'd try reframing or whatever but the new thoughts were too forced and the bad ones seemed primal and refused to be altered. So the effect was more like me plugging my ears going 'LALALA CANT HEAR YOU' but the thoughts didn't go away. I've been to three therapists who tried CBT and none could get past that hurdle with me.

I mean having been through years and years of therapy I think I have a good amount of knowlege about why i am anxious and what SA is and some methods of dealing with it and so forth but i just can't seem to get rid of it or get past my anxiety no matter what I do it's so powerful.
Out of curiosity, have you tried behavioral experiments, aka experimental technique?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Well about the CBT thing...

When I was seeing my therapist here at school I brought up the idea of CBT and how i had done it before and etc. and she thought it might be something worth pursuing again with a different therapist or whatever and she personally wasn't trained in it. But towards the end of our time together (as students we get a maximum of 20 sessions while a student, I blew through mine already) she brought up something she said she had difficulty vocalizing to me. She said that I wasn't ready for therapy and that it isn't going to help me right now. Which like.. i didn't know what that meant. So I asked her. And she said that she didn't know quite how to explain it, but that its true, that therapy isn't going to help me right now. And I asked what I can do to get ready, she said she wasn't sure. She told me to try to find another therapist after our sessions were over, if money or whatever allowed, but that it isn't going to do anything more than give me someone to talk to right now and that I shouldn't expect any progress from it. So idk. Idk what that even means, to not be ready for therapy, but so far she's been right I haven't gotten any better in recent therapy ventures. And im thinking that whatever's holding me back from therapy working is also holding me back from CBT working. So I guess I just have to get ready for therapy, but idk how to do that.

@ LaRibbon, when I first realized that something was wrong when I was 16 I told my parents. My dad didn't believe that it was possible that it could have happened without him knowing so he didn't believe me and has told me many times since that he thinks i'm only being this way, not talking to my sister, to make our family look bad and that I'm a horrible person for doing it. My mom cried when I told her, but then she talked to my dad, who convinced her that he was right. And at this point they are both so sick of the situation that they tell me whether it happened or not that I should be over it by now and that a normal person would be able to talk to the person by now.

Also @ DepecheEyes, I haven't done any behavior experiments but I will do some research on it. I'm willing to try anything at this point.

I guess the point here is that like I understand the whole deal about thoughts -> acts -> consequences, but I see the things that have happened to me as the cause of my depression and thoughts not really the result. Like I said about my sister and all that, like, I thought she was my friend and I was a pretty happy kid (overall) until I realized that what was happening was abuse. Then the assault thing a few weeks ago, like, I thought I was making life better for myself asking to go to a social event and then I got beat up. So from my perspective that all seems backwards. That things are just happening to me which is pushing me farther and farther into this rut.
 

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Also @ DepecheEyes, I haven't done any behavior experiments but I will do some research on it. I'm willing to try anything at this point.
You can check at my blog post to learn how to do it. As for books, Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim your Life by Barbara Markway, PhD has a section on it which I judge to be finely written. Also, The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, MD has a chapter on social anxiety where he describes the experimental technique/behavioral experiment. Either of those two books are excellent!
 
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