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Discussion Starter #1
Hey Guys, what's up. I feel like I need some perspective and since SA was such a huge part of my life (even though it is less so now) I thought I'd go here and ask

So basically, I've been shut my whole life when it comes to talking about my inner life. Closed off father demanding mother some of you must know the drill. I've been trying to expand my horizons and letting people get closer, opening up more to them but it's such a drain on me.

Today for my internship, I've been bs-ing my supervisor for a while cuz I suck at the work I have to do (not putting myself down, I'm actually worse than most people but I still love the work so that's why I want to try and do it) and don't want them to know. But things had been going better recently, I felt like I was getting halfway competent at my task because I put a lot of effort in improving myself. So I felt good, and I opened up to my supervisor about the stuff I was dealing with (a little bit anway, not too much you know). How I have trouble letting people get close and getting close myself and how it's always affecting my work. That I *am* trying hard but it is difficult.

The talk itself was good, I felt like I could express myself instead of throwing up smokescreens everywhere and that part felt great. My supervisor was also enthusiastic probably because for once I showed my true thoughts. However now it's 5 hours later and I'm freaking out feeling like I made a horrible mistake even though I think it was the correct one at the time. It is so freakin confusing and I'm feeling anxious as beep and it takes a lot of me.

So basically, as this was to ask you guys: people who have trouble opening up, who *had* trouble opening up, how did you deal with it, how did you get through it. How do *I* deal with this. I just want to tell simple stuff about myself without freaking out and withdrawing like a scared turtle hiding under the sand. Thanks you for those who read and who feel like replying.
 

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I think that the larger issue you illustrate is the need to remain confident about the situation you had. You talked to your supervisor about how you're feeling about your internship. It sounds like it was a productive conversation. Take a step back, look at the situation objectively and realize that it is not something to feel anxious about now. It happened. Whether it was awful or great, it happened, done, past, sea ya'. Now breathe, get your chin up and carry on knowing that you accomplished a great social feat. for yourself.

It sounds like it went well. Remember that what you told him is true, and keep up the hard work in order excel at your internship.

I've been in a similar situation at my past job. My boss basically forced me to tell him why I sucked at my job so much. I had to tell him about my mental problems, it felt very forced, I didn't want to reveal my mental illness at work, but my boss was ready to fire me. I felt mentally raped. It was a terrible job that I quit not too long ago. So that was a very unhealthy conversation for me, I felt hurt and was probably right to, the guy was an A-hole. But life went on. I think that it will go well for you because you were confident and feel good about opening up. It sounds like it was a step up for you.

So congrats, good work and good luck. Keep it up.
 

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Thanks guys... was scared as heck checking this thread, go figure. I feel better now, it's still in the back of my mind and it's scaring me, but I'm starting to feel more like it's something I'm projecting onto the situation and that nothing actually went wrong. And yes, I could've come forth sooner, but that didn't seem like the right choice at the time, though I'm not so sure now anymore. The thing you mentioned ShadowOne is one I've been dealing with too, like the stuff I'm dealing with is so big it feels and I never told anyone, so I wouldn't know how to put it into words without it becoming an incoherent mess.

"I tend to catastrophize like "if i say the wrong thing, theyll hold it against me for forever". But honestly, what are they going to do with any information they decipher from what you're saying..99% of the time it's nothing. and if someone wants to think negatively of you for saying something that you felt was innocuous, then I dont think that is on you. "

I've come to realize this too, I still remember when I thought things got awkward because I shared some personal info with a girl at work but like weeks later it doesn't even seems like she remembers at akk and acts all the same to me. Like I'm magnifying this all to such an extent and making myself crazy while others maybe barely notice. It's so silly but I can't help but let it happen...
 

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Just want to say thanks again for the posts, they help me a lot reading them again. I'm experimenting a lot with opening up, the thing about feeling it is so much that I can't express it without moderation especially, a bit like you say ShadowOne. I'm trying now to write down what I can say to people close to me to let them know what is going on, stuff "I'm having a bad week" instead of blurting all my emotions out on the spot and overwhelming myself or someone else. Then I can stay true myself and don't have to lie and pretend to be something I'm not and cower in myself. So that is what I'm going to try to find, moderation in sharing instead of all or nothing.
 
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