Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
37 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So… I finally broke down and just joined an online dating site, lol. I figured it’d be easier to meet someone online and surprisingly I’ve gotten a lot of good responses. But the problem is, they all want to meet in person and I’m terrified! I’ve never met anyone from online before and I’m new to the whole dating scene in general. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t mind talking online, but when it comes to the phone or face to face I get super nervous. Any advice? It would be greatly appreciated :)
 

·
SAS Member
Joined
·
31,298 Posts
I thought eventually meeting in person is what the whole idea of an online dating site is for, lol? Maybe you could tell the person that you want to get to know them better online first before you meet them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
256 Posts
I've been trying the online thing. When I have to make the first phone call it usually takes me about 3hrs before I work up the courage. I just get the phone number ready and eventually face the fear and press talk.

Same thing with meeting in person. Just got to break through the fear and go with it. I just say if I crash I crash if not then awesome. You never know if you will be awkward or how well you click til you meet. I've talked to 3 on the phone and met 2 people from online before and actually had a relationship from one. So my advice is if you really like someone just go for it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
I think I agree with the general sentiment that asking to get to know someone more first is a good idea.

I'm less certain if THIS is a good idea, but I tend to usually do this anyway - I usually try to be upfront about any potential issues - such as shyness. If the other person deserves to be with you, they'll do their best to be understanding, accommodating and work on making things easier for you. If they can't do that, then there's no real point. No, I'm not saying you should advertise every single flaw on your profile, but you can tell them the things you think are most crucial they understand as you exchange messages.

Mind you, there's some severe irony in me offering relationship advice, so please take this with a grain of salt - or perhaps a mine of salt.

Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
37 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for your help guys! I think that you're right. I'll just tell them that I'd like to get to know them better first. It's probably not worth meeting them if they're not willing to just talk to me online for a little while first. But I guess one day I may have to try to get up the courage to call, lol. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,433 Posts
Definitely tell them you would prefer to talk online for at least a little while longer. Don't immediately meet anyone off a dating site. I've almost met some guys that really pushed and said they didn't like talking online only to realize it would have been a huge mistake and there were not the type of people I wanted to hang out with much less the type of guy I wanted to try dating. The guys I have met I talked to online for weeks if not months and really got to know ahead of time. We already knew the type of things we liked to talk about. 2 of the 3 I never even talked to on the phone before meeting them. However phone conversations with other guys I decided not to meet weren't entirely a bad thing. I really sucked at them but it did help a lot with the stress of possibly meeting someone.

When I did finally meet someone for the first time I timed it so that my sister and her fiance were around and there was an event sort of like a fair going on in the town between where both of us lived. So I had him meet me there in a place I was familiar, with my aunt and mom working a gift shop there and my sister, her fiance, and my step niece hanging out with us nearly the whole time. They helped keep the conversation going, there was stuff around to do beyond just talking, and in the end I really didn't feel that much anxiety. Eventually it led to probably the most difficult thing I've ever done. The last guy I met online and who is mostly moved into my house now I talked to online for a couple months and then drove to his condo and met him at his place to get help with some homework (he currently does the job I'm getting a degree for) and play video games. Now that was stressful... and I got stuck at the security door cause I messed up the code and I didn't even have his phone number.... That almost ended the whole thing right there if someone leaving hadn't let me in. You know how hard it is to knock on the door of what you hope is the right condo in order to meet someone you've only talked to online and no one else in your life knows them either.... I think I came close to passing out.... I don't suggest setting up any first meetings to be that way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
290 Posts
i think it's better to meet as soon as possible so you know how you will click in real life, talking online is different plus it's sorta wasting time. you should just force yourself to go on these dates and try to have some fun, of course be honest and tell them you're shy/nervous to meet but try to take off the pressure by telling yourself they're just as nervous and that there's plenty of men out there if something doesn't work out.
also, big risks=big rewards so just do it!!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
265 Posts
Well that is good that you are able to get plenty of repsonses/messages. Im lucky to even get one response per 6 months even though I send out dozens of messages.
 
Joined
·
2,348 Posts
Well that is good that you are able to get plenty of repsonses/messages. Im lucky to even get one response per 6 months even though I send out dozens of messages.
That happens to you too? I send messages but I never get responses. It's discouraging. I thought online dating sites would be somewhat easier.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,433 Posts
I get frequent messages just from being female on those sites. However one good message about every 6months is average. Pretty much every message worth answering was about 6months apart and I only met 3 people in 2 years. It's not going to get you instant success.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
202 Posts
So… I finally broke down and just joined an online dating site, lol. I figured it'd be easier to meet someone online and surprisingly I've gotten a lot of good responses. But the problem is, they all want to meet in person and I'm terrified! I've never met anyone from online before and I'm new to the whole dating scene in general. I'm not sure what to do. I don't mind talking online, but when it comes to the phone or face to face I get super nervous. Any advice? It would be greatly appreciated :)
Uh, for one. Be careful, it's online, there are a lot of creeps online. You should find another person with SA or atleast very shy. I know of a few online dating sites that are for shy and even SA people. Don't know what you're using, but I'll post them after this anyways.

Give them time, don't meet them a week after you meet them online, not even a month, maybe a year, some months could be good, atleast. Make sure they aren't lying about anything either. lol So, I guess the important thing is that you get along online first, and talk online atleast for a month, a few or several months could be better. Then you can get even more comfortable with the person. Maybe just start chatting, then maybe after a while you talk on the phone, get more comfortable and then maybe meet.

shypassions.com
nolongerlonely.com
socialanxietymatch.com

All free too. Although they are rather slow, not a huge amount of people, but there are people with SA and such on it. Not all are though, some are just a little shy, some are still in it just to get laid.

Maybe I can show you around them if you want. :D My username is the same as here.

Good luck.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
265 Posts
I get frequent messages just from being female on those sites. However one good message about every 6months is average. Pretty much every message worth answering was about 6months apart and I only met 3 people in 2 years. It's not going to get you instant success.
The 1 message per 6 months that I get is not even a good message. It is more like "Sorry, but you're not worth my time". or a half-assed three word reply to my 1000 word message that contains humour that I took 2 hrs to write.

Like I said, Im lucky just to have someone acknowlodge that I exist, even if it is a rejection.

Well, the positive side about this is that it makes me so frustrated and angry that I can use that extra energy to workout.

Im starting to think that girls only join that site to gain attention and boost their ego at the expense of desperate single males.

I'm tellin ya man, it's br00tawl, just br00tawl.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,433 Posts
If you send me a 1000 word message I'm probably gonna blow it off as you stressing too much over the message and therefore being too needy or you've just plain lost my attention. I don't want a guy's life story in the first message he sends. I prefer maybe 5 sentences. A greeting, a comment on something in my profile, something short about them, a question that starts a conversation, and throw in a funny comment if you want. If you can do it with actual punctuation and no major grammar errors or endless spelling mistakes then I don't care what the profile or pics look like I'm going to send something back that is more than a dismissal. It's a fine line between too short and cryptic of message and way too long of message but if you go over a few hundred words you're now carrying on a monologue instead of starting a conversation. If you throw out 2 nonspecific sentences like the "Hi, I liked your profile. Message me if your interested." type then you just come off as using canned messages to troll for responses and you won't get much of an answer that way either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,110 Posts
Akane you're stressing too much over a message and you lost my attention. :lol
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
265 Posts
If you send me a 1000 word message I'm probably gonna blow it off as you stressing too much over the message and therefore being too needy or you've just plain lost my attention. I don't want a guy's life story in the first message he sends. I prefer maybe 5 sentences. A greeting, a comment on something in my profile, something short about them, a question that starts a conversation, and throw in a funny comment if you want. If you can do it with actual punctuation and no major grammar errors or endless spelling mistakes then I don't care what the profile or pics look like I'm going to send something back that is more than a dismissal. It's a fine line between too short and cryptic of message and way too long of message but if you go over a few hundred words you're now carrying on a monologue instead of starting a conversation. If you throw out 2 nonspecific sentences like the "Hi, I liked your profile. Message me if your interested." type then you just come off as using canned messages to troll for responses and you won't get much of an answer that way either.
And you think I havent tried a nice simple '3-5 sentences' thing before?

Seems like you're just picky and ungrateful - like most of them.

For your information it wasnt a monologue, I did not even have one word of my life story in that 1000 word message. It was more of a humorous fictional story that I was hoping to have continued by the other party and have her input a little creativity in her response. In other words, it was an open-ended story that hinted at her writing and continuing the story. In otherwords, it was to open up a DIALOGUE. In otherwords, it was something too creative for simple, narrow minded, stuck up, snobby icehags to even read and comprehend.

Yet they go around prancing around bragging that they are 'educated' and 'artisitic'....pfft.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,433 Posts
Now that point of view will get you everywhere in online dating... There's no freaking way I'd continue some fictional story some guy starts to write to me. I'd be going wth? Unless it was really humorous you might be at risk of joining the only 2 guys to make my block list. Then again I also absolutely hate creative writing assignments and english class. If you want to be creative in your messages then sure sometime you will likely get a creative response back and it will probably be a relationship worth pursuing but it's going to take you a lot longer than using simple conversation starters with a small dose of humor thrown in because you're restricting the type of person that will answer. Most people who use online dating tend to want straightforward responses and profiles so they can quickly decide who is worth their time. It's just the nature of how it works when you try to sum everyone up into a couple paragraphs and pictures. Every girl and guy eventually starts subconsciously sorting and categorizing everyone's profile and opening messages. You can either accept and work with it or get bitter over it and fail. I've been doing online dating for a couple years. I know what I'm likely to find when I answer certain messages and I have gotten picky over what I will respond to because so many have wasted my time. Being creative doesn't actually gain you too many points with me unless it's in small doses.

it was something too creative for simple, narrow minded, stuck up, snobby icehags to even read and comprehend.
This sounds like you're being quite picky as well and expecting things you aren't gonna get from most people.
 

·
Monster
Joined
·
6,552 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
265 Posts
This sounds like you're being quite picky as well and expecting things you aren't gonna get from most people.
I'm really not expecting much besides a 'thank you, that was funny' or a kind, brief reply. It is not a requirement that they write a whole essay, but if they at least read what I wrote; is that really so much to ask?

I mean, if they spent 1+ hours designing their profiles to make it look pretty, and write 200 words about themselves (it wont let you write less than 200), and post several pictures of themselves - why cant they just spend 5 minutes writing something nice back for the sake of courtesy/manners? (oh yeah, I forgot; it's probably because the guy:girl ratio is 10:1 and they are already spoiled for attention)
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top