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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Evening Folks - I'm obviously new here and a lot of what I'm reading seems to be familiar ground. I'm having similar issues but I'm not sure what to call it or what do to to resolve them. I'm hoping someone can pass on some advice.

I currently work with computers and my friends and colleagues consider me to be successful, though I can tell you that I do not share those beliefs. In each of the past jobs that I've had, I've somehow always felt like I was going to be fired or let go. My reasons for believing this were that since I'm a "perfectionist in training" and I'm clearly not perfect, when I would make mistakes, they would be seen much more amplified than how they actually were (but to me, even the smallest mistake was too large). I would start to wonder whether or not the subject of closed door meetings was me or if co-workers were avoiding my desk because of something they knew.

These beliefs have led me to take actions to "protect" myself against what I perceived to be an untimely dismissal such as work extremely long hours, leave a company after a relatively short time or to isolate myself from other co-workers whom I felt I couldn't fully trust because they were more loyal to the company. A lot of these bouts are accompanied by anger, anxiety, frustration, low self-esteem and paranoia.

Please note that at none of the last four jobs that I've had was I ever really in danger of losing my job. In fact, at one of the positions where I was sure this would be the case, when I turned in my two week notice they practically begged me to stay which I found perplexing and curious.

I'm now at a new job that requires a lot of time and a tolerance for a very heavy work load and the project I'm working on (which is very difficult) has stirred up another bout of the above mentioned emotions. It seems like this vicious cycle will not end and I'm not getting ahead in my career because of it. Furthermore, I have been married for quite a long time now and we have a young child so I need to start thinking of them.

Any suggestions on how to handle this would be much appreciated.
 

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:wel

Looks like we've got a lot in common: I'm extremely paranoid, too, and every mistake feels like a monumental failure. I, too, regard everyone with suspicion and think I'm always in some sort of trouble. Unfortunately, I don't have any solutions to this, except to try to remind yourself that your fears are overblown (which I know sounds hollow--it does to me, too).

You might find some good techniques for training your mind to chill out in these situations in the Self Help forum if you don't want to try drugs or counseling (which also have extensive forums here if you are interested). What might not help directly but in a more peace-of-mind way is simply being here, forging friendships, and discovering just how many of us there are/knowing there's a community here that you're a part of/not being alone.

Hope this helps :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for the kind words

Thanks for the kind words Addler. That's pretty much what I've been doing and it's good to know that the is a place where I can vent anonymously. Unfortunately, when you work in a field that is highly competitive, it's hard not to take stressful criticism personally, especially when the subject at hand is the byproduct of your hard work. On a more positive note, I think I'm handling it better since I used to get major panic attacks during the day and now I just get frustrated and upset. I will definitely be around more often.
 

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Welcome, 4n0nym0u5! :)
 

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Hey 4n0nym0u5 welcome. :hyper
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
UPDATE: Where I am now

A LOT has changed since I last posted and tonight I was feeling the need for a little support so I thought I would post an update. The job I posted about earlier I was laid off from a few months later. Without going into a lot of detail, the reasons for the layout were extremely shady (probably something I could have sought council for) and I don't believe had anything to do with my performance (my guess is that the company was bleeding money and had to go about making it seem the layoffs were not a result of that to gain some sort of benefit or write-off). At that point, my anxiety had reached a critical max where it was negatively affecting myself, my friends and my marriage.

Thankfully, a very short time later, I found a new and better job that resulted in my family and I moving several states away to a completely new environment. The new environment, which came with a new culture, took some time to get used to but was just the medicine I needed. I regained a large portion of my confidence, I began to heal the issues within my marriage and I really started to enjoy my work for once in awhile.

Tonight, I had a relapse and I would love to gain some advice from you folks. I was working on a project with a senior team member. The subject matter is very new to me and I'm just beginning to learn it. Given the nature of the work, it had to go fast so I had a hard time keeping up with the progress and the senior member wasn't always taking the time to explain what he was doing. Eventually, I partially tuned out (which I blame myself for). I feel frustrated that I wasn't able to keep up with the subject matter and somewhat helpless that I wasn't able to offer more support.

I know that I'm VERY hard on myself when it comes to failure and I should cut myself some slack since this was clearly something that required a senior team member and something that I am still very new to. Given how I handle these types of situations internally, I went home feeling pretty bad.

I need to find a way to spin this so that I can have confidence in myself when faced with an obstacle and others will have confidence in me based on the positivity I project. What I don't want to do is to project weakness and give others the impression that I'm weak. How do I cope with this and succeed?
 
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