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Fragile
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Hi i'm Chasrith [Chas]

Here is what I am in constant anguish about [again :roll]:

I suffer an internet addiction to start things off. I am addicted to a website for Anime fans and i am literally obsessed with becoming a Moderator. I hate the internet because I feel like i cant be myself on the internet because i think myself is too sucky, lame, boring and not good enough to be moderator. So when i fake i feel anguished because i hate faking. When I be me it seems like everyone hates me and that is suck etc. So i am always constantly wondering what other people think of me (if i'm cool)

I feel very fragile on the internet and anything can set me off and make me suffer INTENSELY in the real world.

I'm super obsessed with being cool, appealing and attractive to others. Tho i am the last person i think about, it's always other people.

So in the real world i have a problem with I have hormonal problem so i look like 12 year old when I am 22, i lie to people and say i am 18 to avoid questioning and embarrassment. i cant do anything without being interrogated about my age or the whereabouts of my mother. I live in a poor area and i have to get on the bus to almost get anything. i can only leave at 2 otherwise i WILL get questioned all day and night.

Because of this hormonal condition i cant grow a beard and i have micropenis. This and the way i look i have never been able to get a date or anything. Its a bit awkward dating a 10-12 year old. I am also still a virgin and will always be because i have been shunned enough. [when i was younger everyone thought i was girl, it didn't help that my father would violently insist that i wear a braided pony tail for religious reasons]

So anyway, moving on. I constantly fear people questioning my authority to do things (like buying penicls and paper/movies) because i look young. So I have extremely NO confidence in myself. Most of the time i hate myself and it feels like i am living a nightmare or something.

I have NO FRIENDS at all [Besides family members]. People don't want to deal with me because of the way I look I think :/ and of course i don't strive for friends. i am only mentioning it because my sis keeps telling me to try to get some friends.

i am also mentally inferior to others. i still don't know times tables, alphabet [I'm american] and have poor grammar [Some how I made it through highschool and have a Masters Degree from an online college lol xD]

So because of these real life problems i turn to the internet where i feel i can live a fake life of being someone : popular, Cool personality, Attractive even [Not ugly, short, tiny dicked, brown and mostly kiddy looking -.-], powerful and yea.
Also now i have become mildly agoraphobic. I still live with my family and i have been unable to leave the house for months to buy ice cream and chips because I feel scared. Today its because there is some lady i don't like talking out there :[

I know! I know, its dumb but the silly feelings still persist :[

I also have strong irrational phobias of spiders and something else [I wont tell because i don't want to offend people :{]

Well I think that is it.

I am good at drawing and i like cooking [i cook good to me anyway >.>] but that is it :]
Sorry for the length of this post. Go ahead and make fun of me and stuff. people always do :)
 
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