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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
New Member/Does this qualify as SA?

I have struggled all my life with being shy and awkward in social situations, but for some reason recently it's become many times worse. I have recently experienced significant turmoil in my home life, and I'm sure this has contributed... but whatever the cause might be, I'm more concerned with the solution.

I fear giving a wrong answer, so much so that if I get something wrong, I scratch my head or arms to punish myself, and to remind myself not to be wrong again (when I write this now, it sounds stupid and unreasonable, but I almost can't control it when I'm in class or remembering an experience). I try to answer often, in hopes that the more answers I give, the more likely I am to be correct, but I feel like I'm always wrong about everything. I get extremely embarrassed, and humiliated by being wrong about something- anything. It can be a question in class, or a conversation with a friend.

I blame myself for things I know I can't control, but I can't seem to stop feeling guilty.

I feel that other people are always thwarting me; I have a constant suspicion that people are out to correct and criticize me, especially my friends. I find myself short-tempered around them much of the time, and unwilling to forgive them for minor transgressions. I often feel that they are showing off to make me feel bad, but I know that's just not true. I feel that none of them take the time to understand my problems, or care- but I don't talk to them about how I'm feeling, so I know they have no way of knowing how I feel. When I am criticized or corrected, I withdraw from the conversation/discussion, become angry and sulky, or feel intensely guilty about bothering people/wasting their time/being wrong.

I am obsessed with being right, getting better grades than everyone around me, and gaining my teacher's approval. I strive my hardest to get better grades than the people around me, but if and when I do get better grades, I'm unwilling to gloat. It's a hollow victory, and it doesn't bring any relief, because there's always some new assignment to do, and I obviously can't always have the best grade.

I feel that I have no positive attributes, and that I exemplify none of the things I value in others. I am not beautiful, not cute, not intelligent, not talented, not intuitive, and nearly never right.

I feel a pain so intense it's nearly physical when I see my friends with their partners, or hear them talking about their partners. I have started to avoid the cafeteria, because that's where they congregate. I am seventeen years old, and have never dated anyone. I am a month and a half away from graduating highschool, and I feel that unless I date someone, I'm a failure as a human being.

I fear that I'm not good enough, that my life is worthless, that I'm a failure and always will be. Nothing I do satisfies me anymore; I can never do enough to feel accomplished. I end up going to bed early most of the time, or just ignoring my responsibilities, because I feel as though I can't accomplish anything.

I have made repeated attempts to stop apologizing for being wrong, because that seems to bother other people (my lab partner gets flustered when I apologize for misunderstanding). I started cutting myself to remind myself not to be stupid, and as a silent apology to anyone I offend/bother.

I have tried to seek psychological/psychiatric guidance for months, because I know this is not getting any better while I'm stuck in this loop of negative thoughts. Unfortunately, I cannot drive myself to a psychiatrist/psychologist, and my mother is unemployed and unwilling to take me until she had a stable job. I can appreciate the sentiment, but I'd appreciate the treatment more.

This thread is mostly pointless, except to describe my symptoms/experiences. I don't know if I have SA or something similar, and I have not been diagnosed with SA by a doctor or medical professional.
 

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Hey hortaux, welcome to :sas
 

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Hi, welcome to the forum.
Much of what you describe seems to be classic SA,
but some of the symptoms are probably only your idiosyncratic personality.
I see that you're 17, which is a typical age for SA to first appear (new hormones and social situations etc.)
SA is characterized by unreasonable worry about what others think of you. Closely associated with this is a struggle with low self esteem.
I'm sorry that you suffer from these problems, and I hope u can find some answers on this site.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hi, welcome to the forum.
Much of what you describe seems to be classic SA,
but some of the symptoms are probably only your idiosyncratic personality.
I see that you're 17, which is a typical age for SA to first appear (new hormones and social situations etc.)
SA is characterized by unreasonable worry about what others think of you. Closely associated with this is a struggle with low self esteem.
I'm sorry that you suffer from these problems, and I hope u can find some answers on this site.
Thank you for the help; just chatting in the LiveChat last night raised my spirits a lot. Everyone here is really friendly and helpful!

And thank you also to everyone who gave me a welcome :D
 

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Welcome, Hortaux! :)
 
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