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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What's the situation:
I have SA which is severe enough to make my relantionships complicated. Even though, I used to be popular among certain type of girls many years ago, during the last 5 years there's no interaction with them.

What I want:
To have a simple and average girlfriend who would accept me for what I am. Who would accept that SA is the current period of my life. To share and give. To be taken care of sometimes.

What I could give:
I have quite good looks but that doesn't matter in the longer term of course. My personality is good and deep when it's released from the shell. I'm sensitive to others' needs. Bottom line, I'm 100% confident that I can find a gf if I try long enough.

So, what's the problem:
- I fear of rejection during the first steps
- I fear of various failures during our interaction
- I fear that I won't get the girl of my type, because SA blinds me. Meaning, that it will be hard for me to recognize what I truly feel about the girl.

So, should I force it and get the girl with pain or should I deal with myself first? What do you think?
 

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unashamed perv
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^ You're kidding, right? Right?

OP, well, I'm no doctor, but my tuppence worth is this: I think you should work on both; "deal with yourself" as you put it - are you getting any therapy or counselling? If not, I'm sure someone on here can recomend a self-help book or two :) At the same time, work on being more social, getting out there and meeting people, at whatever level you have to push yourself a little bit to manage. Doing this should help you to reduce your fear of failure, and if you keep meeting and getting to know people, hopefully you'll meet someone special! In my experience, trying to force yourself to do things a long way out of your comfort zone leads to frustration and setbacks. Good luck!
 

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What I want:
To have a simple and average girlfriend who would accept me for what I am. Who would accept that SA is the current period of my life. To share and give. To be taken care of sometimes.
I had a girlfriend about six years ago (the only one I've ever had, sadly). We dated for almost three years until she broke it off. I told her about my SA about a year into our relationship. To this day I'm not sure that was such a good idea. When I told her she didn't understand at all, didn't really want to talk about it, and I got a vibe from her that she felt it was wierd.

In an ideal world, you should be able to find someone who you can discuss it with, who supports you and is understanding. But I'm not convinced it's such a good idea. For one, that person will never understand what you are going through. So what do you really have to gain by telling her or him, I mean seriously? Plus just using the word 'disorder' to a woman probably sounds a little creepy, especially in today's world.
 

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Ladybug Whisperer
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I would say you want to look for a girl who has a similar personality as you so she'll accept that you're also shy. But then you'd have to be the one to instigate the conversation probably, which might be hard at first but just think of some questions you can ask about her life....and then most likely she'd ask back.

did you ever think of meeting someone online or on here? that way it's easier to get to know the person and if you have common interests so meeting them you'd already have stuff to talk about
 

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from what i hear most guys are scared ****less of approaching girls and of rejection and the advice they are given is to just go for it. there will never be a perfect time when you will feel 100% comfortable approaching girls, especially the ones you're attracted to. it's a numbers game so the more you approach the more success you will have (your confidence will go up and you will get use to rejection). i think you should keep on improving yourself, go to the gym and find new hobbies, but if you see a girl you're interested in you HAVE to approach her. also do not lower your standards because people with SA don't have realistic views on our good qualities but others often appreciate the good stuff we do have to offer.
 

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from what i hear most guys are scared ****less of approaching girls and of rejection and the advice they are given is to just go for it. there will never be a perfect time when you will feel 100% comfortable approaching girls, especially the ones you're attracted to. it's a numbers game so the more you approach the more success you will have (your confidence will go up and you will get use to rejection). i think you should keep on improving yourself, go to the gym and find new hobbies, but if you see a girl you're interested in you HAVE to approach her. also do not lower your standards because people with SA don't have realistic views on our good qualities but others often appreciate the good stuff we do have to offer.
All good points. And I especially agree with the numbers-game approach. The hard part is not internalizing the type of rejection you will occassionally get from a mean spirited woman. They are out there and I think you have to be aware of that before it happens.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Ok, thanks for your thoughts. I'd like to hear more real stories from the guys who have/had a gf and SA at the same time.

Jeff, sorry to hear that. What stops your from trying again?
 

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Ok, thanks for your thoughts. I'd like to hear more real stories from the guys who have/had a gf and SA at the same time.

Jeff, sorry to hear that. What stops your from trying again?
My career situation is a mess right now. I feel I need to get a better sense of direction with my career first, then I can give dating my full attention. I figure I'll have more confidence that way. It tough though, time goes by too fast.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
My career situation is a mess right now. I feel I need to get a better sense of direction with my career first, then I can give dating my full attention. I figure I'll have more confidence that way. It tough though, time goes by too fast.
Aren't these just the excuses? This thread is exactly about that. I mean, shouldn't we stop looking for justifications of our inactivity? Shouldn't we accept the situation as it is and find a girl that fits it?

Most likely she won't be as pretty as we imagined. And, probably, will be as shy and reserved as us. But hey, at least we would have a partner. :) One of the most important things in life. What do you think?

Would love to hear more stories about a girlfriend while having SA.
 

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Aren't these just the excuses? This thread is exactly about that. I mean, shouldn't we stop looking for justifications of our inactivity? Shouldn't we accept the situation as it is and find a girl that fits it?

Most likely she won't be as pretty as we imagined. And, probably, will be as shy and reserved as us. But hey, at least we would have a partner. :) One of the most important things in life. What do you think?

Would love to hear more stories about a girlfriend while having SA.
Yes perhaps they are excuses. But I feel I'm actually doing myself a favor by showing some restraint. I feel I need to find happiness and balance in my life before letting someone else in. When I was dating that girl I spoke of earlier, she was my whole world. I hated my career, I hated everything else about my life, she was my sole source of happiness. I won't make that same mistake twice. I'm determined to make some career changes first, set some goals, get my social life jump started and get back into the cbt therapy, 'then' I'll be in a much better place to meet woman. And chances are, if I'm happier and more confident, I'll attract the kind of woman I want to spend my life with, and our relationship will be stronger.
 

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I don't think you should put life on hold, whether it has to do with career, school, social life or whatever. Sure sometimes you might need a break. I mean if you are having anxiety attacks and being carted off in ambulances or something then yeah--probably a good idea to back off.

For example, if you're in school and it's really really messing with you, maybe take a semester off if you can. But (I speak from experience unfortunately :( ), that one semester you miss might turn into two and three and four. That one month or whatever you "wait" can turn into years. I mean, hardly anyone can have their ducks all lined up in a row neatly. Life isn't that way. :(

So as for the girlfriend question.

shouldn't we stop looking for justifications of our inactivity? Shouldn't we accept the situation as it is and find a girl that fits it?
Yeah, you gotta go for it (like I said, unless this will cause you to see the inside of ambulances or ER's). So does that mean you have to be the most popular guy? No. Maybe just baby steps, you know. It might take a little longer than the average person.

I fear that I won't get the girl of my type, because SA blinds me. Meaning, that it will be hard for me to recognize what I truly feel about the girl.
Well that might be true. But part of meeting and being with people is actually to find out more about the type pf person that you like, no? People evolve, and if you meet someone while you have SA and then one day you wake up and no longer have SA, it might just happen that you will need to meet someone else. Or not. Who knows? Even non-SA people can change so much that they have to move on. And yeah you might have a bad experience with a girl that doesn't really understand but you could always break it off too right? You can get a feel about how understanding she is as you get to know her. I think finding someone is more likely to help than to hurt. Having a girlfriend has definitely helped me. Like other people have written, I agree that you should work on all parts of your life that you want to improve. I wish ya luck.
 

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I think dating is kind of like gambling and a numbers game.

You have to step up to the table and keep rolling the dice until you win--just don't go broke in the process!

Other than that, have fun with it. Tell people you're kinda shy instead of making it into a SA thing.

A lot of people think shyness is cute in the opposite sex (including me).
 

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I don't mean to change the topic but how am I supposed to meet a girl when I can barely look at them in the eyes? Plus I always forget to smile. I use to have girlfriends but I don't know what happened. I don't think I even know how to flirt anymore.
 

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Aren't these just the excuses? This thread is exactly about that. I mean, shouldn't we stop looking for justifications of our inactivity? Shouldn't we accept the situation as it is and find a girl that fits it?
Most likely she won't be as pretty as we imagined. And, probably, will be as shy and reserved as us. But hey, at least we would have a partner. :) One of the most important things in life. What do you think?
You say this like we aren't trying man !

I understand the posters situation man. Everytime I've gone out with a girl she gets the vibe that I am socially anxious and quickly (before I even mention a realationship) says to me "we're just friends."

"Would love to hear about having a girlfriend, with SA"

I firmly believe, that despite all our sciences, and intelligence, the goals of life remain basic. All a man wants is the love of a woman. With that, there is really nothing else to complain about. That's why you don't see much guys on here complaining about SA if they have a girlfriend. If you've successfully got the love of a woman, then what is there to be anxious about ?
 

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As we grow up, we realise that people can only hurt us emotionally if we give them the power to do so. That's one of the problems with dating. In dating, we have to surrender the power to hurt us to a complete stranger and trust that they won't use it. Being under the dark shadow of social anxiety for a long time would make a person emotionally raw and vulnerable and I'd imagine (because I cannot speak for everyone) that such a person would do their best to avoid giving a stranger the power to hurt them for fear that any hurt received might be enough to destroy them. .
Very good point and well put. I feel like when I try to talk to a girl that I'm giving her the right to be mean to me, because it's almost like I'm asking for something from her. It's a scary situation to be in from an emotional standpoint. I wish more women in the world would stop and put theirselves in our shoes sometimes and realize we have the hard part.

But about your chair story, how did that end by the way, after the chair broke?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Thanks for the last comments.

The problem with this forum is that most of the people concentrate on themselves while commenting others. Meaning, that lots of assumptions are being made.

I'm starting to accept my SA. The situation may improve or it may not. But why should that prevent me from trying? :)
 
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