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I can't pin point where it all started but it did, I know for sure after basic training, because I was fine there with no problems. I was 18 (So sorry not 16 like I said in the welcome section!), actually it had to have came in spurts, because I kept to myself a lot in high school.

It comes down now to, I have good days and bad. Some horrible weeks at a time. I barely want to leave the house, even just taking the kids in the back yard is rough. I hate driving, I hate meeting new people, I hate CALLING people I don't know (restraunts, businesses). Public places scare me. I am afraid EVERYONE ... is staring at me, looking at me, making fun of me, talking about me, judging me.

Restraunts are BADDDD, because I have to talk to the waiter, I barely go, I don't make eye contact if I have to go.

I can barely sleep, and from taking Tylenol PM for so long, I end up taking up to 10 at a time, then I stop long enough where my tollerance will be low again.

I don't have insurance, so seeing someone won't happen.

I need people that understand, no-one in my life does!!!!!
 

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"I don't have insurance, so seeing someone won't happen"

I'm in the same boat as you regarding having no insurance to seek some help for my SA. I think this week im going to look into medicaid.
 

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You are definitely in the right place. There are many of us who have dealt with very similar things and understand how hard it can be.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have insurance. What country are you from?
 

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Hello Eileen,
I completely understand where you are coming from with hating being around people. It is mostly people staring at me that get me really annoyed. This is especially true if they are lingering behind me and looking in my direction. I get really angry when this happens and know I can't do anything about it without sounding stupid so I just have to internalize all of my stress which isn't good. Usually I have to find a way to escape from all of this difficulty or not even place myself in it at the start.

Being married is a little more tough because I have a whole other person filled with emotional variance and energy requirements from my valuable storage I have saved for myself all of these years that I have been single. So, I am a bit more exhausted than I had been only six months earlier to this day (I am a newlywed) but the benefits are nice though.

Maybe being active helped you in basic training? I am just guessing at that but I know that exercising helps me get better sleep and lessens the overall level of stress in me. Not to mention caring less about my fellow man because of the ways I have been hurt and abused in the past and feeling justified in that careless attitude because of this fact. I try to stay positive but it is tough when everyone has the potential to hurt and ridicule you.
 

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First thing is you have to learn that the more you goto places like restaurants and stuff you will get better at talking to people. First time I tried ordering stuff my eyes would water and I often looked away. More so if it was an attractive girl behind the counter or waiting for an order. Now though I have learned to even look them in the eye when I order food. Its amazing how much better I do feel about it. My eyes stay normal as well even with a pretty face. :)

I have always felt the same. I have fears of calling places, people, and anyone really. I can't even call my grandmother. I have gotten better about answering the phone though. I pick up for family most of the time. I have called two places recently about getting a job as well. Neither were hiring at the time though so I have to call em back soon. I found out recently that this girl liked me and stared at me quite a bit and I actually liked it. I typically become annoyed with people that stare at me. I have gone alot further than I thought I could go a year or so ago I felt terrible and was very badly depressed and even thought about suicide. There are no benefits of suicide though. What kinda message does that say about me. None of which are good ones. I have been working on making myself better. Best motivator for me was self therapy. Either way you have to teach yourself so best person to push you is you really.

I still have same feelings I have had since forever, but I have learned to feel better about myself and it has really helped me. I feel more calmer now though. Maybe it just comes with age. At some point in last 2 months I have seemed to make peace with it and started being more active. Exercising, calling for a job, and tring to make friends. Really if you think about it everyone on the planet is exactly the same. There are different patterns of thought sure, but really none of them justify fearing everyone. Just start thinking more of people as being the same as you. Just with a different idea on their mind. Really it is no different than looking at your family members in the eye and talking to them. The people outside of your house are all the same. I say self Therapy is best method. May sound crazy, but try talking to yourself in a mirror or something. Try faking confidence with people. Once you get used to the idea of faking confidence you will see that you are not the only one that does so. Confidence itself is faked by anyone that has it. They all still have fear in front of people. They just get used to hiding it so much that it rarely ever comes up, but sometimes it does spook people at odd times. Even the most popular people that perform have problems with it at times. That is why some disappear and don't show up for years later to do a tour and new album or something. It is why some of the most famous people are on the most drugs. It becomes to much for them without a drug or sedative to help them deal with it.
 

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If you don't have insurance, you do have a couple options. 1) If you are going to college, perhaps a teacher or psychology student might be willing to do "pro bono" work (free work) with you. 2) Many counselors will charge a fee based on a sliding scale (the less income you make, the less you pay), and the fee could be reduced to as little as $20 to $25. If you can go even once or twice a month, you will find it incredibly beneficial. If you are having a hard time coming up with $20 to $25 once a month, then it is time to analyze your financial habits. If you do not seek help, your life will not get better, and getting to a counselor has to be the number one priority if you are going to get better. One thing you might investigate, and I have started doing this in my own life, is selling plasma (you make $30-$40 per visit and can go twice a week, and the money is not taxed). If you keep looking hard enough, you will find the money and time to see a professional, preferably a counselor (very beneficial for me). Good luck and let me know if you have questions.
 

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I remember in school not liking P.E. , sports and other "Boy" things. Only later did I realize that it had something to do with my sexual orientation. Sometimes I think I would have been better off as a woman. I learned to fake it and drank a lot to be able to deal with people. Which isn't good. I quit but still didn't want to go out. I got a job where I mostly worked nights by myself as a security guard. When I did make friends it was fleeting. Now I am disabled and don't need to go out so I don't I just sit at home and brood mostly. I was getting (by forcing myself) to go out but then "Social Distancing" so it's back at home brooding and doing nothing. It's weird because in "real" life I really have no friend but in this virtual world I have dozens. I can be whatever I want but that doesn't seem to be good either. I am just confused and turning even more bitter.
 
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