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17 Posts
Well hell, where do I start? Maybe you guys can relate to this. My whole life, I have, from as much as I can remember, felt disconnected from society. I grew up in a lower-class community; and I fit in pretty normal there for a while. I would then go on at the age of 9 to move to a community, and have been here ever since. (I am 24 years old)
That's about 15 years in this community of living here. Ever since I've moved out to this desert-like area, for the majority of my life, I've always had some sort of social anxiety one way or the other. Some time it's mild. Often medium. In the past it was extreme, but it's held at bay with some self-esteem.
I can't really pin-point it. In this time in my life right now; I'd have to say it's the factor of still living at home with the parents, not having a Job, missing a woman I dated who I still feel strongly for, and wants nothing to do with me, and also being broke, and not having a way to pay for my traffic tickets.
Oh woe is me; but I'm not here to complain rather then just share and connect with others on here. Some of the posts here clicked. I've never been "Just one of the guys" never "clicked" with the popular crowd, or regulars; in fact, if you are considered socially "normal" i despise that; perhaps it's my deep insecurity lashing out, bringing you down to my level of angst and weirdness; being an outcast my whole life; the past few years have been a struggle of acceptance into the human society.
Making excuses of why who is what. I will point someone out; and tell you why they are nothing, and why they are average, why they are meek; it's a false sense of superiority that leaves me in a highly sensitive state; afraid to MINGLE with human society; but effortlessly quick to criticize any and all human being.
It's a cycle of negativity; bringing all of humanity down to my level; a close mind keeps it simple for me; closing my mind to any acceptance of things that are out of my extremely particular range; I guess that's a self assessment.
But deep down inside there is a shinning, socially loving guy who wants to be the center of attention; who would love to just have many friends for once in his life; who craves to be accepted, who craves to be revered in high respect; who craves to be wanted, depended on, who wants a feiry romantic relationship with a female whom I can delve into whole-heartedly without feeling burned once again; who I can pour out all this endless emotion, day and night and she would absorb it and care for me to be strong once again; and untill i can openn up to someone once again, I will always be callous; and it would be nice to be able to feel true trusting companionship commadere, or brotherhood, wich I've had but lost. I am someone who might just want to be a leader; who wants to be a mentor
my highly sensitive attributes kept me in touch with myself emotionally and I've predicted the downfall of many of my close-ones because I've watched from the sidelines their un-choice emotional investments; friends or so called friends; dont know if I have any.
Regardless of all this, I've been working on my deep deep sub-concious a la mental re-programming. Hopefully according to a self-help book, psycho-cybernetiks, I will be able to re-program my sub-concious for all those frivilous situations that put me at tension. Anyway, that's me thats my goal. I have seen success, and I feel once I let go of being unemployed, single and broke, still living at home with the parents.. once I truley deeply forgive myself and let go I will be at peace within myself again.
That's about 15 years in this community of living here. Ever since I've moved out to this desert-like area, for the majority of my life, I've always had some sort of social anxiety one way or the other. Some time it's mild. Often medium. In the past it was extreme, but it's held at bay with some self-esteem.
I can't really pin-point it. In this time in my life right now; I'd have to say it's the factor of still living at home with the parents, not having a Job, missing a woman I dated who I still feel strongly for, and wants nothing to do with me, and also being broke, and not having a way to pay for my traffic tickets.
Oh woe is me; but I'm not here to complain rather then just share and connect with others on here. Some of the posts here clicked. I've never been "Just one of the guys" never "clicked" with the popular crowd, or regulars; in fact, if you are considered socially "normal" i despise that; perhaps it's my deep insecurity lashing out, bringing you down to my level of angst and weirdness; being an outcast my whole life; the past few years have been a struggle of acceptance into the human society.
Making excuses of why who is what. I will point someone out; and tell you why they are nothing, and why they are average, why they are meek; it's a false sense of superiority that leaves me in a highly sensitive state; afraid to MINGLE with human society; but effortlessly quick to criticize any and all human being.
It's a cycle of negativity; bringing all of humanity down to my level; a close mind keeps it simple for me; closing my mind to any acceptance of things that are out of my extremely particular range; I guess that's a self assessment.
But deep down inside there is a shinning, socially loving guy who wants to be the center of attention; who would love to just have many friends for once in his life; who craves to be accepted, who craves to be revered in high respect; who craves to be wanted, depended on, who wants a feiry romantic relationship with a female whom I can delve into whole-heartedly without feeling burned once again; who I can pour out all this endless emotion, day and night and she would absorb it and care for me to be strong once again; and untill i can openn up to someone once again, I will always be callous; and it would be nice to be able to feel true trusting companionship commadere, or brotherhood, wich I've had but lost. I am someone who might just want to be a leader; who wants to be a mentor
my highly sensitive attributes kept me in touch with myself emotionally and I've predicted the downfall of many of my close-ones because I've watched from the sidelines their un-choice emotional investments; friends or so called friends; dont know if I have any.
Regardless of all this, I've been working on my deep deep sub-concious a la mental re-programming. Hopefully according to a self-help book, psycho-cybernetiks, I will be able to re-program my sub-concious for all those frivilous situations that put me at tension. Anyway, that's me thats my goal. I have seen success, and I feel once I let go of being unemployed, single and broke, still living at home with the parents.. once I truley deeply forgive myself and let go I will be at peace within myself again.
