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The title says it all, and i felt a need of sharing my thoughts. :). I wasn't a regular poster on this forum, but i come here from time to time to read and observe other fellow SA's opinions and progresses.

I waited, and didn't want to post anything at first, as i had my brief moments of UP days, and feeling as i finally changed, but tomorrow i would feel like **** again. But now, it's about month and a half period where i feel stable. I'm not always upbeat, but i'm not scared and depressed always for no apparent reason.

Now, you must understand that i didn't beat SA for sure, i just feel like it's being about 40% easier than before. And it's a big improvement for me, as i had a severe case of SA. You know what i mean.... tremors, blushing, being afraid of lying in bed because of all kinds of thoughts would rush through my head, over analysing things, and stuff like that. For a change, i can sleep much more peacefully at night. I will post some of my opinions, and things that i think helped me, and hopefully some of you guys may find it helpful too.

So here it goes:

- By beginning of this year my SA rose at unexpectably high levels, i even felt anxious at home. Hated lying to bed at night, because of disgusting thoughts i had to bare every night. My heart was pounding so hard, i thought i was going to die. And frankly, at that time i thought death wouldn't be the worst thing for me - i was even suicidal. I didn't see why and for what purpose i should live. That was probably where my SA peaked, it couldn't be worse than that. And i was right, it slowly started to fade away.

- I hated myself, and just thought how bad person, and how unfriendly am i. This thought slowly evolved, and i stopped hating myself. I just joked with my cousin and my mom (they know about my SA, my cousin says he has it to) about me. And this helped TREMENDOUSLY. I just accepted that i'm not a hipster, or a jack of all trades jokester (you know that douchebags that are always in centre of attention). I accepted that i'm not the friendliest guy ever, and that i won't get a facebook because i hate this kind of things.

- This may sound weird, but by accepting i'm not a friendly guy, i actually became kinda more talkative, and friendly. And i care, and talk to my family a lot now.

- I feel that my acquantices at colleague still pretty much hate my guts, and are speaking trash of me when i'm not around. And that's perfectly fine, they are not a type of people i want to be friends with anyway. I accepted that, and stopped bashing my head why they hate me. When some member of the "pack" is missing, they can't wait to bash that person. I just watch them and feel pity for them.

- Those are a kind of guys that experienced a late puberty, and blossomed at colleague. My conclusion is that ex nerds, tend to become a biggest cruel douchebags ever. They act and dress like a genuine retards. I'm not trying to conform or fit in anymore. I briefly interact with them, out of necessity and that's it. If there wasn't colleague i wouldn't ever know some of them.

- I don't go out because i never liked going to clubs, and have a fake smile all day, forcing good fun.

- By accepting those sides of me, and that not trying to conform other people, i got a whole a lot of new energy. Suddenly i want to hang out with a few of my friends (yeah, i have some friends) and not give a damn what others think about me. Maybe, even go out on drink some day. My grades at colleague suddenly got better, and i'm much more focused than before. I couldn't even focus myself to watch a movie, let alone to study or enjoy something.

- The thing that tired me the most, was when i had to put a fake smile all day and pretend to be cheerful. I would feel sleepy after 30 minutes of socialising. Now i don't care, and it feels great to be relaxed.

- Before, i tried to be cool. Wanted to buy cool clothes, or go to the gym and make myself buffed. Or anything to make other people envy me. It never helped. It built my pressure even more. I'm not a douchebag, and i don't have to follow specific pattern of someone's behavior. Hipsters are not happy anyway, they have complexes.

- I may start running again, or go to the gym, but not to impress anyone, but myself, or to feel a bit healthier and fit. And that's a key thing. You won't enjoy a thing, if you think how you look like doing it, or of impressing others. But i'm not ready to go to the gym yet, as i still have some SA. And thats fine. I'm not forcing anything anymore.

- I had to make a few presentations for colleague, and it was though. And by the end of semester, at last presentation, it was a lot easier. So, this was cold water for me, and that helped a bit.

I still didn't beat my SA, and sometimes i feel down, but not constant like before. I accepted that there could be bad things too, and don't worry as much as before. I stopped forcing myself of doing things, like being social, or forcing myself to change. To be honest, i even feel kinda anxious of posting this, but it's ok.

I'm sorry for this book i wrote, and i don't expect that anyone will read it through, but i still wanted to write this :)
 
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