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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay, title may be a bit dramatic, but I feel it's accurate.
I apologize for the huge block of text, but I separated it into background info and the actual problem. Feel free to skim if you must, it's just a rant. :mum

This is just background information:
The story is this: I have two older brothers. They're both in their early 20's, both married, both in the military, very stand-up guys. Brother #1 lives by his Air Force base in another state with his lovely wife, comes to visit sometimes, we're very close. Brother #2 is in the Marines and lives maybe five minutes away from us.
The issue I have is with Brother #2.
As I mentioned, he is also married, but I'm convinced his wife is the spawn of Satan himself. And they have two kids, aged 1 and 2 1/2. They are demonic little creatures.
Brother #2's wife is literally the worst human being I've ever met. She got very drunk one night and cheated on her girlfriend with my brother, and got knocked up. He wanted to do the right thing, so he proposed to her, and they got married. Now, when he introduced her to us, we already knew she was pregnant, and used that to explain her behavior. "Oh, she's screaming at him for breathing too loudly? Must be pregnancy hormones!" "Oh, she smashed a plate and threw away his stuff? Well, you know how pregnant girls can act!" etc.
It was not the pregnancy hormones.
After they had the first kid, a boy, she got worse. She pretended to have postpartum depression for a few days, but nobody was giving her any attention, so she changed her story to pretend she was having severe panic attacks. She got attention for that, but after being dragged to the hospital, it was determined that she was completely fine.
Believe me, I know what it's like to not have people acknowledge depression, so I tried to have compassion for her and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Turns out every time I would try and talk to her about what was wrong, she would run straight to Facebook and tell her friends about her husband's "pathetic" little sister annoying her all the time.
My brother tried to divorce her once, but she's the master of guilt trips and he's really a very compassionate person. Obviously she has some sort of mental issues and he doesn't want to abandon her. But she has a very serious problem with trust, and every time he brings up any problem (about her or about anything, even very minor things unrelated to her in any way), she immediately throws her engagement ring at him and screams "If you're not happy with me, why don't you just leave me for somebody better?!"
Then of course he feels bad and never complains again, bottling up his emotions (which is very, very bad for a 200lb Marine with anger issues).
At one point, she left him for a while, and immediately went out on a date with her coworker, before getting back with my brother so she would have a place to stay (her parents didn't really want her back).
Then, they had ANOTHER kid. Because logic.
This one is a girl, and she's very cute, but with such a hostile environment both her and her brother are growing up like sociopaths.

This is the problem:
I have an anxiety disorder and severe depression, but before all of this I've been able to keep myself fairly level headed.
Then my brother's first kid was born. My parents had paid for my brother's wedding, and we were down too much money to afford our lovely townhouse anymore, so we moved into what is basically a pile of bricks in the middle of a dirt field. With bars on the windows and mold in the showers. Yay.
Because we moved to the desert, we have horrible internet connection and I was no longer able to go to an online school. So, had to transfer to the public school my brother's wife's cousin Brittany was in. So every day I had to spend 30 minutes in a hot car with my sister-in-law who hates air conditioning, wait in Brittany's dirty house with her creepy uncle until she was done pouring makeup on her face, get back in the car, and drag my twitchy, introverted self into a gang-centric hub of socialites.
The grade levels were different in this school, and we moved mid-semester, so I had to catch up. This meant a foot-tall stack of paper that overwhelmed me so horribly that I stayed in bed for two days straight. I tried to tackle the work at first, confident, but literally five minutes after I buckled down to work, the babysitting started.
It was subtle at first. ("Can you watch the kids for an hour while we go to dinner?) Then it got worse. ("Can you take the kids over the weekend until Tuesday afternoon? We never get time together anymore.")
It took about two months of having them over almost constantly, when it finally broke me. The kids are so loud and demanding (I don't even like kids anyway, so it was worse), and although my mother was the one who refused to say no to babysitting, I had to do all the work. I didn't have time for homework anymore, which meant my teachers yelled at me, which meant I broke down at school, and got teased, and came home upset, and had to hide my feelings to take care of the kids, and when the kids were finally gone my parents were too tired to talk to me, so I went to bed upset, and woke up more depressed than ever, lather, rinse, repeat.
This eventually led to me dropping out of school. I didn't mean to, and I didn't really realize it was happening. I just stopped doing the work, then stopped going, and nobody ever said anything about it.

Now, you have to understand that both my brothers are basically the prodigal sons to my parents. Perfect grades, high ambitions, and both are high-ranking in their respective military branches. I am not that. The highest ambition I ever had was to go to film school, but I gave up on that. I can't work, I'm not talented, I can't even drive because of the anxiety it causes me. I'm a complete failure.
Add to this the fact that I'm basically a full-time unpaid nanny who handles not only the godawful babysitting, but I clean the house every night (which, after having two toddlers rampage around, is harder than you might think).
All of this led to the suicidal thoughts. I had experienced them before, but never quite this bad. I told my mom about it as soon as I could, because I don't have a lot of self control and was worried I would end up hurting myself.
She said the kids were on their way over, could we talk later.
When the kids left the next day, I brought it up again, but she was too tired to talk and went straight to bed. I cleaned the house and put away all the toys and went to bed, and woke up the next day to the sound of kids in the house again.

I have talked to everyone I can think of to get this to stop. The kids are harmful to my parents who are too old to be playing with them, and I resent them so much I can't go five minutes without wishing either they or myself were dead.
They make my anxiety issues go haywire, and I've never been so depressed in my life. Every moment of every day I wish I could kill myself, but I wont, because I don't want to force my parents to handle the kids on their own.
I don't have any friends. My mother wont take me to a therapist or psychopharmacologist. Nobody cares about anything I do, unless it's something to do with the kids, in which case they only care that I'm being nice to the little brats.

I know I'm being overdramatic about this, but I can't take any more. My pleas just bounce off of people if I ask for a day off. I'm always so tired and angry. I don't know what to do.
Thank you for reading.
 
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