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Hi, I'm new to this forum and i would like to share with you my personal life story that I wrote. I haven't really spend much time writing it so don't blame me for any grammatical or structural errors, It was really meant let my thoughts flow and expose and take control of my past. But anyway if you don't want read it its cool I'm still just Hi to all the people :)

I'm writing this to accept and let go of my past, I'm tired of constant repressing my emotions, putting on a happy face and living in constant pain that eats me inside. I'm tired of living a live just to survive, I'm tired of constant fear of being judged, alienated, not accepted. I feel like I need to start from the beginning, I was born in America but when i was 3 moths old I moved to Ukraine where my parents are originally from. I can say I was a happy kid very active and full of live, I loved being outdoors playing sports and hanging out with friends. I was never good academically because I didn't like to study and my parents never forced me to study, so I was just getting by from year to year. In my school I was the cool, funny and somewhat popular kid who most people liked and looked up to.So I was living this fun care free live until I moved to America at the age of 15 due to my parents diverse. My parent were never really close together, for many year they slept in different rooms and had no real relationship other then just living in the same house. The reason behind it is that my dad was meeting different women and although my mom knew about it she wanted him to change with never happened anyway, I guess you can't change people that don't really want change themselves. For some reason my parents diverse didn't really hurt me,maybe because they were never really close anyway and me and my dads relationship was very superficial I never really got to know,when he was home he would most of the time just watch TV. So once i moved to America it was like a fresh begging almost like i would start my life over again. I had no idea how to speak English and I was shy to talk with people or even try too, I became shy and isolated from people in my school, even though some people wanted to interact with me I became defensive almost as if i didn't want to talk with them, but in reality i was just shy and I was just trying to look tough.After that I went to High school where everything would just go downwards. I though it was a fresh start for me me but i was still very shy ,introverted and defensive to let people get to know me. One day I was so desperate to hang out with people that I decided to talk to a guy from my class on Facebook and ask him if i could hang out with him and his couple other people he said yes and the other day at lunch I came up to them and we started hanging out. Those guys were metal heads, something totally opposite of what kind of music and subculture I liked witch was rap so I basically had to pretend that I like the music and everything else even though I didn't like it just to feel accepted and have the feeling of belonging.I continue for a year or so haniging out with them smoking weed and living this kind of fake life.During that time is where i develop my social anxiety I would have very low self-esteem feel ashamed, and I had huge anxiety when i had to present something I also did some embarrassing things like once I came up to this girl in my class and asked for her number but she just turned around .I felt like i was deprived of my true self and that I was all my fault. During that time I became very self conscience to whenever there was a girl in my class I wound get very red and feel embarrassed and ashamed. The whole time i pretty much felt like a was chained to all those thing and i cound't let anybody to know how I really felt. So at my senior years i moved to a different school but that didn't really help at all i was just drowning more into anxiety feeling ashamed having low self esteem and frustration. I felt like I wanted start over but I just couldn't I was just drowning in it avoiding any situation where people could expose me for me having social anxiety or being desperate for friendship. I basically started to avoid everything but at the same time I wanted to change witch lead to huge frustration and dissatisfaction. I result I didn't go to prom and made no friends or the once i made i don't really call friends since I felt i was just pretending to like them in order so that people wont see my standing alone.
Half a year passed since finishing High school and I'm just sitting home having no social life most of the time spending time alone at he computer. So the reason i wrote this is to tell people a little bit about myself and to expose my little secretes to people I feel that are not judgemental and understand the pain of having social anxiety, and also for people who have similar struggle who can relate to my story and know that they are not alone. This post is meant to be an entry to my recovery and I hope with persistence and determination the wounds can heal and i can enjoy and freely live my live.
 

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Welcome, Ziomal123! :)
 

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Hi Ziomal123 :) I've noticed a lot of people on here saying that their social anxiety started or was worsened because of moving to another country. I can imagine it must have been really difficult to move especially at 15 and when you aren't fluent in the language being used there. I'm sorry to hear about the tough time you had in high school and I hope you can find the help you need on here. :)
 
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