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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
so.
i've come ALONG way since 2 years ago.
2 years ago, i lost my singing voice when practising for a music theatre production 2 days before our first show.
Since then, i've never been able to sing again, without my throat hurting.
a few months later, i started to believe that i couldn't talk.
for a year and a half now, i've been battling JUST the act of existing/talking.
i've gotten a lot better, but still i pay attention to every word that comes out of my mouth, and i feel like i can't breathe a lot of the time, and that the other person can't hear me, or that my voice sounds ugly, or that i'm not making sense, and a lot of the time halfway through talking my mind flips too 'omg they can't hear you, omg your not making sense, omg your voice isn't working, omg i'm stupid'
then it continues escalating to the point where i feel like i can't function.
funny thing is, is that i will continue to talk to others while this is going on in my head and keep a smile on my face so that they think i'm happy and confident. honestly, my happiness is based on the people around me responding to something i say, its especially great when they include words that i directly said in their response. that way i know they heard me.
but when people costantly laugh at everything you say, and say your hilarious, you start to think... okay... maybe its cuz i'm psycho? and they think thats my humour, but really its just me existing..

HONESTLY THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS EVERYDAY
its just getting horrible.
i have it planted in my mind, that my throat is tight and that i can't talk and that i can't breathe and its just gotten to the point where i dont even really recognize my own face in the mirror.

& it sucks. because when you dont match what your feeling on the inside to what your saying on the outside, it gets SO confusing as to what your actually feeling! your feeling extremely bad and scared, but at the same time see that the person is smiling as your talking, so feeling good that your funny or whatever. but you dont feel, you know, freedom. i never feel freedom. i always feel kinda like i'm just imitating freedom. its soooo screwed up. UGH. what is wrong with my brain?

fml.

any advice would be great.
i wrote this without really thinking, so if it doesn't make sense i apologize.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
kay actually i have more lol

i go to hairstyling school,
and i seem to be able to function their quite reasonably like
its quiet and stuff, and the people there i get along with,
but i think the reason i'm comfortable with them, is because i see the same people everyday and plus we're at School doing school work, so i'm always kind of "on-the-go" and it gives me a solid base to work on because we all have to be there, soo, its easier to socialize knowing that we're all in the same position kinda thing. it adds a unity kinda feeling and reassures me. anyways.

plus, i am gay.
and i see all the fabulously open gay guys out there who are cute adorable awesome just... perfect.... and i feel pressured to be like that... cuz i feel like i'm sooo useless and no fun and just like.. basically a useless human being... its just hard... because i dont know if i'll ever get to the point where i can ever really truly function in the world without manipulating everything blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
 

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that was really interesting. its amazing how these totally irrational thoughts go through our head (like thinking, "they can't hear your voice/i'm not making sense") when deep deep down you know theyre just BS.

that sounds so sad about how you lost your voice.....im a terrible singer but love singing just for the hell of it and losing my voice would suck. thats cool that hairstyling school is workin out for you...hope it all works out!!
 
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