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Hiya. I'm new here on this forum. I'm a college student with about one year left studying digital art. I like to think I had only a minor bought of social anxiety that I was working on fixing. Life was surprisingly manageable up until this past year. Its really difficult to explain but I was suddenly losing initiative and drive and ambition to simply do even schoolwork. Like I used to be like "ughhhh homework!" and grumble along but that was the most of it but I'd end up doing my work anyway. Now its difficult to get myself to sleep when I want to, finding myself up at the wee hours of the morning, difficult for me to get out of bed...I've been starting to lose value in myself and my contented-ness with my life. It might all have to do with a breakup of a two year relationship this past october, but I didn't feel all that bent out of shape about it when it happened...so I have no idea. I can't say for sure but I think derealization has started happening too. Like everything around me doesn't feel like its 'there' you know? Like I'm just floating along and going through the motions. And its been pretty consistent this summer.

How does this tie into a job, you ask? Well summer vacation in a sense started in May. I told myself at least by the end of May I would have a job. Trying everything humanly possible to pump myself up mentally. I attempted looking for a job, but forgot how much anxiety the whole application process gives me, digging through my references and past work information...ugh. Next thing I know its July and I still have no job. Money isn't a dire need at the moment, but I felt like having a job would make me feel a little normal again. Around late June/Early July something comes over me, not sure what because as of late I've just been in this cloud of listlessness, but I apply for a dishwashing job at a relatively popular restaurant downtown. Its on the bus route next to my house, so getting there isn't a problem. Never done it before, so I thought it wouldn't be TOO bad. I've been at this for six shifts now.

The first four were manageable (and even that's a stretch because a half hour before work begins I find myself having a sort of anxiety attack for almost no reason) because there was someone there training me or at least one person closing up for the night while I was just doing a support kinda shift. This week now though...I had just gotten through my second solo day shift yesterday. I got in there just fine. Wasn't anxious or worried. I thought "Okay. No matter how big a mess we got in there today, I can tackle the heck out of it." And the mess waiting for me wasn't too terrible. And I pushed through it, even though two hours left of my shift I had to step out because I was about to start hyperventilating. There was just so much to do, so many different sections to focus on at once but couldn't at the same time. But I got back in, told myself I couldn't quit, and even stayed two hours later than scheduled because one of the dishies after me called in sick (something told me they just didn't want to come in. I couldn't blame em). I was pretty proud of myself. But I think the person who was supposed to close that night up and quit, so I'm terrified to go in there in an hour and find an abundance of dishes waiting for me.

I suppose this rant wasn't necessary but since I started this job its just been this big up-hill battle with anxiety and depression. I haven't been clinically diagnosed but its long running in both of my parents sides of the family and I've felt so...sad would be the best words to put it in, since I was a kid. To some of my closer friends I'd be considered the 'negative nelly'...always looking at the negative side of the situation or the worst possible outcomes. I can't pinpoint where its all stemming from...the fact that I feel alone when I work there since I'm by myself, the fact that the work doesn't seem to have an end in sight which tends to bother me, the fact that I hadn't worked in a couple months and am still just trudging through re-adjusting to that lifestyle. I don't know if I'm cut out for this job. I want to believe that I can do it but a part of me is reasoning that my sanity is more important than money at this point. But at the same time I use that reason for every other time something got too tough. When I think about it in the long run I know that plenty of people do this job day to day and manage through it just fine, and the fact that I can't handle two weeks of it makes me feel horribly weak, that maybe I'm just not cut out for life. I have a friend that tells me "I just haven't found my niche" But I sit there thinking about how that doesn't help me with the now. And every time I hear "At least you're making money" I want to deck someone in the face.

I don't want to quit this job just yet but at the same time I'm sick of the feeling of pure terror and anxiety I get just thinking about it (which is about 24/7 now), smelling it on my clothes...I'm just not sure what to do.

I apologize greatly for that novel right there...but I haven't had a chance to vent properly and I figured I could come here to do so. Thank you so much for listening. Or reading I suppose. ^-^
 

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Wash Away The Rain
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494 Posts
That was an interesting read, I can sympathise with how you're feeling; complete lack of motivation or desire to continue doing inane things for some kind of foreseeable future where things are more positive somehow, I guess. Am I sort of right at all?

I can't recommend anything or say anything that could potentially help though. Wish I could. But, I hope things get better somehow, I don't know how, but I hope they do.

Hang in there, hey?
 

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I Am Second
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57,999 Posts
And every time I hear "At least you're making money" I want to deck someone in the face.
:ditto

Its up to you what you want to do. I knew when jobs weren't right for me.
 

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need more than affidavits
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Well, you say you've got a year left. Maybe you'll find a digital art related job and career after that. Something to look forward to that could help getting through your current dissatisfaction.
 
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