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Let me begin by telling you a little about myself and my problems. I know you have probably heard this a hundreds times before, but it always good to share a burden together with others and so I shall.

For as long as I can remember I have been a social outcast. This started, or at least as far back as my memory allows me to firmly identify it, when I first started school. Everyone remembers their first day at school, right? Well, I remeber it quite vividly because it only lasted a few, very traumatic minutes. I still have the exact image in my mind as if it were yesterday. My mother was leading me up the path to the classroom for the first time and I was crying. I was desperately scared of being in a strange place surrounded by strange people and left alone to fend for myself. I grabbed onto her and made such a fuss that she eventually relented and we went home. Eventually she persuaded me to let her leave me there later on that week, but off the bat I had trouble mixing with everyone else. I spent all my free time building things or drawing pictures. When other children tried to engage in what I was doing I was extremely defensive and got upset if they interfered.

Eventually when I did start trying to talk to people it was too late, it seemed. I was behind their level of peer developement and always made mistakes. Whenever there was an arguement I would be inarticulate and I quickly became the subject of ridicule and teasing. To make matters worse I failed to develope academically due to dyslexia, leading to everyone else sailing past me in terms of reading and writing. This left me feeling inadequate and useless, the 'class reject'.

So I continued on being an outsider. All through school, all through secondary school and through the last two years of university (yeah, I got overcame the dyslexia thing eventually, but it required a lot of tutoring and put me back a year or so in the process).

Now we get to the present. Over the last summer I have suffered a horrible realisation that I have wasted so much of what should have been the best time of my life. I have never had a friend let alone a girlfriend, never gone out to a party and never held a job. Natural parts of growing up that other people take for granted I have never achieved. I realise now that I will never get those years back, never get the chance to enjoy my childhood and teenage years and it hurts very badly. I have been physically sick with regret (yes, nausia, vomitting, all of that).

Is there anything positive to take out of all of this? Yes. For the first time in my life I have realised that I cannot just wait to 'grow out' of my problem. No miraculous change is going to suddenly make me condident and popular. Any change that happens is going to have to be one I make myself, through concious effort. A lot of effort. I have joined volunteering groups, seen a councellor, am applying for CB therapy, excercising and am hunting for jobs all the time (I have no idea how I will get through an interview, but it will never happen if I don't try).

Over the last few months I have felt lower than I have at any point before, even seriously considering suicide at one point, but out of this crisis I have found new resolve that I don't think I could have found without it. Now, finally, I begin to address my problems and make some damn progress for once. I have been a quitter all my life, but this time I refuse to be beaten. The alternative is simply not an option.

It's good to be here and it's good to be alive. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and the best of luck to you with your own challenges.
 

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Hey Fuzzy Logic welcome. :)
 

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Welcome, FuzzyLogic! :)
 

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:wel
 

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thats a really inspirational post, just wanted to wish you all the best . Its hard having to lose the thought of a magic wand but I suppose thats the first step to tackling ! I m a new member here too and after having a really crap day its good to be reminded not to give up.
 
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