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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I make people feel uncomfortable for simply being an unattractive/ugly female.

I'm mostly invisible. Sometimes I get treated as a subhuman.

I work in a warehouse and usually the roller shutter is up but due to covid we now have it closed and people have to ring the bell.

When I come into work I ring the bell and usually the 2IC opens the side door. But he just pushes it open because he knows it is me and he is always pissed when he has to open the door for me. He will turn around in frustration. I would say morning and he would say morning with an agitated tone.

It makes me feel terrible. I try to not let it bother me but it does. I will ask him to leave the door a jar from now on.
 

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Nothing wrong with you he’s just plain rude! He could open the door and not be moody about it. He’s probably being that way because he sees you lack confidence so he thinks he can get away with being rude because you won’t hold him accountable. Get a bit of self worth about you, hold your head up and look him right in the eye.
 

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Going with what @Known said -- F' that guy! He probably doesn't like opening the door, but if he has to open the door due to Covid protocol, he has to do it. Sorry that happened.
 

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He's probably just an irritable person and maybe hates his job/life. I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with you.
 

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Yep, I'll my voice to the chorus: he's just being a jerk. I mean, I wasn't attracted to a lot of people at my workplace and I still managed to be perfectly civil to them. This guy clearly just has poor manners. In my experience, the sort of people who treat you better if they think you look good are not the ones whose opinion matters anyways.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you for reading my post and responding.

He has actually been nice to me. He just hates having to see me in the morning.

I have asked him to leave the door a jar for me. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable.
 

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Failure's Art
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Maybe he's just annoyed because he's right in the middle of something and has to stop and open the door. Doesn't necessarily mean he's pissed at you personally.

I understand how you feel though as I also feel that I make people uncomfortable with my presence because of how anxious and awkward I can be. I often feel bad about that, I feel bad for the people who are forced to associate themselves with me. I have this guilt about it. I feel like the world would be a better place without me. It would be free of me.
 

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Yeah he sounds like he’s in a bad mood. Have you seen him interacting with other employees? Is he short with them too? If so it’s nothing personal but it is unpleasant to deal with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Maybe he's just annoyed because he's right in the middle of something and has to stop and open the door. Doesn't necessarily mean he's pissed at you personally.

I understand how you feel though as I also feel that I make people uncomfortable with my presence because of how anxious and awkward I can be. I often feel bad about that, I feel bad for the people who are forced to associate themselves with me. I have this guilt about it. I feel like the world would be a better place without me. It would be free of me.
Yeah he sounds like he’s in a bad mood. Have you seen him interacting with other employees? Is he short with them too? If so it’s nothing personal but it is unpleasant to deal with.
No he is pissed because he has to open the door for me. He is normal with the guys.

I completely understand how you feel about making people uncomfortable. I often feel bad that they have to associate with me.
 

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I completely understand how you feel about making people uncomfortable. I often feel bad that they have to associate with me.
Don't feel bad! (easier said than done, I know, but worth striving towards nevertheless). Even if - if - you're right and your appearance does make some people uncomfortable, the problem is with the people and not with you. People should get over themselves and learn to co-exist with their fellow humans.

I've met a total of one person in my life whose appearance made me feel uncomfortable (other than people whose appearance indicates they might be violent but that's a different case altogether) and I saw them so briefly I didn't have the time to deal with my feelings of discomfort. Result? We just passed by each other on a bus and I still think back to them years later. It's me who feels a sense of shame, not the other way round.

It seems to me that it's time you met some nicer people.
 

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Why would someone’s appearance make someone uncomfortable? I don’t think that’s true. It seems illogical to me like personally I wouldn’t be uncomfortable with a person based on what they look like- would you? I think it is more likely you are worried that is the case rather than it actually being true. I think “I make people uncomfortable” is a lie. He could try be a bit more friendly to you not your problem that he’s making it out to be some big inconvenience for him to open the door for Covid reasons! X
 

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I make people feel uncomfortable for simply being an unattractive/ugly female.

I'm mostly invisible. Sometimes I get treated as a subhuman.

I work in a warehouse and usually the roller shutter is up but due to covid we now have it closed and people have to ring the bell.

When I come into work I ring the bell and usually the 2IC opens the side door. But he just pushes it open because he knows it is me and he is always pissed when he has to open the door for me. He will turn around in frustration. I would say morning and he would say morning with an agitated tone.

It makes me feel terrible. I try to not let it bother me but it does. I will ask him to leave the door a jar from now on.
Try to be extremely nice to that guy,smile, ask how he doing, say something like.. Thank you for opening the door for me, I appreciate it, it make him feel uncomfortable and like **** for being rude to you ;)
 

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No he is pissed because he has to open the door for me. He is normal with the guys.

I completely understand how you feel about making people uncomfortable. I often feel bad that they have to associate with me.
Oh. I guess he doesn’t like you for some reason. It happens.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Don't feel bad! (easier said than done, I know, but worth striving towards nevertheless). Even if - if - you're right and your appearance does make some people uncomfortable, the problem is with the people and not with you. People should get over themselves and learn to co-exist with their fellow humans.

I've met a total of one person in my life whose appearance made me feel uncomfortable (other than people whose appearance indicates they might be violent but that's a different case altogether) and I saw them so briefly I didn't have the time to deal with my feelings of discomfort. Result? We just passed by each other on a bus and I still think back to them years later. It's me who feels a sense of shame, not the other way round.

It seems to me that it's time you met some nicer people.
Try to be extremely nice to that guy,smile, ask how he doing, say something like.. Thank you for opening the door for me, I appreciate it, it make him feel uncomfortable and like **** for being rude to you ;)
Thank you for the advice.

I wouldn't say it is because of the way I look alone as I am rather awkward. So the combination pissed him off.

The way he behaves having to open the door for me is obvious how uncomfortable he is with me. But he could just push the door open and walk back into the office and I would close the door behind me. But his disdain is obvious and it feels horrible. Anyway I have asked him to leave the door ajar and he have been leaving it open.

Yes, kill people with kindness.
 

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Why would someone’s appearance make someone uncomfortable? I don’t think that’s true. It seems illogical to me like personally I wouldn’t be uncomfortable with a person based on what they look like- would you? I think it is more likely you are worried that is the case rather than it actually being true. I think “I make people uncomfortable” is a lie. He could try be a bit more friendly to you not your problem that he’s making it out to be some big inconvenience for him to open the door for Covid reasons! X
It happens for sure, but usually it's how people are dressed and not their basic physical appearance eg: goths and people who dress in other alternative styles can make people uncomfortable, and you can get chucked out of places for dressing in that way including peculiarly art museums..:


^ my view of Paris mostly comes from this and my dad who has worked there several times and absolutely hates the city lol. He was ranting about it again last week when I saw him. In the early half of the last century it was a place where non-conformists often fled to to escape the conservatism of other regions of Europe.

Edit: This is an older video she travels a lot so has had multiple negative experiences (authority figures usually behave this way though kind of assholes):


related comment:

I was stopped in 1990 at the U.K. border basically for being a goth. He had to let me in though because I was US military at the time stationed in Germany, and therefore had permission to travel freely through all NATO countries. It was rather fun to see his face fall when I'm there in makeup and all and give him my military ID instead of a passport. You have my sympathies.

In another video I watched recently that I guess I won't link here just in case because it has some discussion of someone's eating disorder another goth/alternative person (they're involved in the goth subculture but often have very brightly coloured hair and play around with their appearance a lot not classic goth.) They're non-binary. In the video they're sitting in a cemetery talking and talk about how they often like to go there because it's peaceful but they went there and people commented negatively or something because they were dressed in a more masculine alternative way. They concluded that they can get away with it when they seem female/feminine but not alternative + masculine.

I've also had lots of comments based on my own presentation in the past mostly my alternative clothing styles/hair (worth noting I was never as extreme as the person in that video either because I've never really worn makeup or been into makeup.) I'm also non-binary and never shave my body hair anymore, in the past I'd also go through periods where I wouldn't shave. That's attracted comments from people in my family mostly confusion but one guy also really freaked out and made a big deal out of me not removing my leg hair when he noticed and I wasn't highlighting it either I was wearing trousers at the time but he noticed because the rode up a bit and he was sat on the floor in front of me.

Throughout my life I have had people talk negatively about several features of my physical appearance too - height (being short,) nose (sometimes misdirected racist comments about it I'm white but some people felt my nose 'looked black' I don't think it's just me I mentioned this on this site and someone once years ago also from the UK said the same thing happened to them weirdly,) there have been other things too. But I wouldn't say they made them uncomfortable.

More generally I know some people feel threatened by the presence of men/masculinity too but that's another matter.

That being said I can't remember anyone sticking in my mind as making me uncomfortable with their physical appearance. It's only ever been their behaviour. Not to say OP does make people uncomfortable that way just pointing out that it does happen. If it's important to you that you don't make them uncomfortable then I'd avoid being gender non conforming or dressing alternatively unless it's important to your identity/self esteem. That's not always possible though.

On that note timestamped video:


edit: Obviously this topic is more expansive and you can get into race as well I don't have personal experience with that being white but yeah.
 

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I'm also non-binary and never shave my body hair anymore, in the past I'd also go through periods where I wouldn't shave. That's attracted comments from people in my family mostly confusion but one guy also really freaked out and made a big deal out of me not removing my leg hair when he noticed and I wasn't highlighting it either I was wearing trousers at the time but he noticed because the rode up a bit and he was sat on the floor in front of me.
The reaction from that guy is so bizarre. I stopped shaving sometime around 2016 and this is precisely the sort of reaction I feared from people. At some point I plucked up the courage and went out in a skirt and bare legs, expecting jeers from passing cars and all that, and no one noticed or cared. I was with my sister who didn't notice either until I told her (and then she said 'yuck' : D). Not a single comment since. Maybe it's just that the times are changing? I recall that Adidas ad that caused some mean comments a year later but I felt like overall it made body hair ok in the mainstream.
 

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The reaction from that guy is so bizarre. I stopped shaving sometime around 2016 and this is precisely the sort of reaction I feared from people. At some point I plucked up the courage and went out in a skirt and bare legs, expecting jeers from passing cars and all that, and no one noticed or cared. I was with my sister who didn't notice either until I told her (and then she said 'yuck' : D). Not a single comment since. Maybe it's just that the times are changing? I recall that Adidas ad that caused some mean comments a year later but I felt like overall it made body hair ok in the mainstream.
Maybe. I've never had comments from strangers if I go out in public with shorts on (though I rarely do,) but I think because he knew me he felt more comfortable saying his opinion. That was around 2011 I think. The only thing about my appearance strangers have ever commented on was when I dyed it weird colours but those comments were positive. At the time (2010-2014~) it wasn't seen as much of a political statement either. Around the time I stopped dying the 'blue haired sjw' stereotype really took off (I stopped because I got fed up with the maintenance and briefly wanted to dye it black but then gave up on that too around 2015. Hair dye even 'permanent' hair dye never seems to really last in my hair either for some reason.) One guy preferred my hair when it wasn't dyed unnatural colours and told me that, but again that was someone I knew. Weirdly he said he preferred my hair when it was black though and it had never been black it was moderately dark brown.

Also I overheard someone yelling something recently that was pretty insulting I don't know who to though, I wasn't paying full attention and they were on a bicycle and I don't remember exactly what they said though but it was homophobic/transphobic.

I mean I live in a **** hole town though imo. I don't think anything I experience here is necessarily representative I suppose.
 
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Maybe. I've never had comments from strangers if I go out in public with shorts on (though I rarely do,) but I think because he knew me he felt more comfortable saying his opinion. That was around 2011 I think. The only thing about my appearance strangers have ever commented on was when I dyed it weird colours but those comments were positive. At the time (2010-2014~) it wasn't seen as much of a political statement either. Around the time I stopped dying the 'blue haired sjw' stereotype really took off (I stopped because I got fed up with the maintenance and briefly wanted to dye it black but then gave up on that too around 2015. Hair dye even 'permanent' hair dye never seems to really last in my hair either for some reason.) One guy preferred my hair when it wasn't dyed unnatural colours and told me that, but again that was someone I knew. Weirdly he said he preferred my hair when it was black though and it had never been black it was moderately dark brown.

Also I overheard someone yelling something recently that was pretty insulting I don't know who to though, I wasn't paying full attention and they were on a bicycle and I don't remember exactly what they said though but it was homophobic/transphobic.

I mean I live in a **** hole town though imo. I don't think anything I experience here is necessarily representative I suppose.
Yeah that makes sense. Formula ****hole town + 2010-14 = different experience from what I had in London in 2016. The society has gone far in these few decades. I remember the world when body positivity wasn't a thing (something like 2005). At the time I not only shaved my legs but also used an electric epilator to remove my forearm hair. I had to whack myself out on whisky to withstand the pain. Creepy times.

Re hair colour, it's probably the colour rather than your hair. Blue fades very fast. A few weeks and poof, it's gone, replaced with a dirty greenish shade. My hair takes to colour easily (it's fairly light) and blue doesn't last on me either. Doesn't last on anyone.
 

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Thank you for the advice.

I wouldn't say it is because of the way I look alone as I am rather awkward. So the combination pissed him off.

The way he behaves having to open the door for me is obvious how uncomfortable he is with me. But he could just push the door open and walk back into the office and I would close the door behind me. But his disdain is obvious and it feels horrible. Anyway I have asked him to leave the door ajar and he have been leaving it open.

Yes, kill people with kindness.
This makes me so mad!

So ... it seems combination of the way you look, your awkwardness, and the fact this guy has to spend a minute opening the door to let you in, somehow doesn't sit right with him.

I know you said he had been nice to you, but honestly, if letting you in pains him so much, that really is wholly his problem. It isn't down to you at all, so please don't feel bad.

You said he was fine with letting guys in the door. So apparently he has some issue either with the fact you're a female, or with you in particular.

I would struggle to contain myself lol ... I'm a guy, so presumably he would have no issue letting me in, but if I felt he was somehow put out by the simple act of allowing me access, I'd have it out with him. Straight up ask him what his problem was.

I get that this isn't something you would want or feel able to do. And if I understand correctly, he's senior to you, so there's that as well.

But please try not to feel that you're somehow to blame for "making" this dude (or anyone else for that matter) feel uncomfortable.

It isn't up to you to make people feel comfortable. Just as it isn't your fault if they do feel uncomfortable around you.

Yeah, I do understand where you're coming from with all this. It's a situation that, at one time, would have bothered me, too. I'm better now, so I can see things more objectively.

I think those of us with SA tend to blame ourselves. It's almost as if we believe we need to apologise for even existing. I guess a lot of it stems from feeling bad about ourselves. Low self-esteem.

Anyway, best of luck. This guy really needs to get over himself!
 
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