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Cool story, bro!
986 Posts
really smooth flow dude. i rapped it over the beat and it all blended together well. i like all the internal rhyme scheme. you sort of write the same way I do in that you make words rhyme in certain parts that people normally wouldnt.

im determined to change but my mindset strange
for every one step forward i take two in the exchange
but the devil is strong how can we hope to resist it
though we knocked down again we got up and persisted

i like the way you used the word exchange there. really creative. i would probably have written it something like

'im determined to change but my mind is black and strange, for every one step forward i take two back in exchange'.

just cause it would help the fluidity of the rhyme. i don't know. im a stickler for that kind of stuff though. probably a little too much. i just have a compulsive push to make the syllables match.

but yeah, this stuff is really great. i'd like to see more of the things you've written. i've posted some stuff on this board too. like you mentioned though it's hard to really read it without the beat. its always better to hear how a person makes certain words fit.

Cool story, bro!
986 Posts
thanks for the feedback man. ive never posted them anywhere but i figure this is as good a place as any :p

your change works too, i prolly wouldnt have thought of that. it's all good, just personal styles. ill post a couple more since you asked for it. btw not all of them are complete because i start/stop whenever im in the zone so a couple ive just done 1 verse that a i like, but whatever...heres a few of the tonns i've done

1:(start AS SOON as the beat starts, itll catch u off guard the first time)

birth the giving of life from two people to a third
combined fluids make it complete
death the time when ones life is over
the mind dies and everything after that is over
addiction a mental or chemical affliction
the power it holds over you magnetism
problems one after another my word
everyday life flying aimlessly like a bird
mathematics science logical deduction
dropping knowledge like black ash hours after eruption
i dont trust them, others that is
suits and ties aint nothin but lies
war the inevitable state of the wicked
from the tribes to the end of days in the scriptures
i was gifted with apparant intelligence
but im yet to merit it dont forget the letter kid

terrible reflections of devilish messages
through a mirror to correct them called the news at eleven
how can we respect the liars of society
a civlised veneer conceiling notoriety
kings and queens now food for the worms
royalty? contradiction in terms

2:(1 verse again)

they dont question the times we livin in
you asked me to criticize where to begin
first things first we corrupt the youth and the children
are bombarded with sexuality to enthuse them
and we wonder why abortion is a form of contraception
cause everywhere you look is a model complexion
and they focus is rerouted from compassionate living
to having, a great body and a nice car to sit in
and the innocence is lost 13 years young
wearing skinny jeans and their youth is done
grow up to be slaves of the sex games
and the very next day got another baby on the way
and its like society only accepts one path
and thats sex and money, you do the math
corporate monopolies and the world that we live in
has been changed forever outcast or you fit in

it's on the front page still, it's "undertakers" and 2 verses this time :)

only thing about this 1 is it might be difficult for someone other than me to get the rythm down because i think more so than most of what i write the flow is pretty irregular. but maybe you can. actually ill punctuate it to help out with that.

heres what they told me
boy you gotta run with it
opportunity knocks and then you gotta make sure you get it
because, lookin for somethin that dont exist
is what i been doin, cant see through the mist
its like, been pissed my whole life
cause i cant see straight, and nothin seems right
they told me dont cry its aite thats a lie
tonight, i die and nobody ask why
thats right and yo yo the people stay tight
but the gods shed a tear and heaven aint nothin here
the people were blinded, goggles made heaven hell
and no matter the effort aint nobody could ever tell
cuz they didnt want to, they didnt want you
now you standing at the top of a building what you gone do
ey yo "its, its gotta be a cry for help"
but where the f-k was you when i was cryin for help?

i dont wanna live no more im tired of breathin
misery is all i see i cant believe in
anything, anymore nobodies real
nobody can see past the flesh to whats real
its not as if i was different
reality ask forgiveness
the human spirit is weak
and the flesh composed of sickness
kinda sick even brutal
the worth of a person treble
if symmetrical and nicely shaped features
thats a devil
i was, outcasted my past lasted in
my mind over 21 years into my prime
now im, still lost
unfortunately tryin pay my dues
but i cant afford the cost
im back on my own
make it on my own
cry on my own
kill myself on my own
go to sleep at night hopin i dont wake
up spillin my guts to anybody who couldnt give a f-k

("kinda sick..." should coincide with the slight variation in beat if you got it right)

and actually all 4 beats on their front page are really good, all the kind i could vibe too.

ill give feedback on your stuff, maybe tomorrow since I have some work i really should get done

my last comment right now is that it's pretty therapuetic to write stuff like this, when you're in that kinda mood. it does get it out.
wow. I'm LOVING that third one alot. Geez. Dude, that's alot of talent!! I'm sure I didn't rap it how you would but I still liked it alot doing the best I could. You're really good. Do you record them it all?

And I appreciate you sending me the links because now I can find beats on this site too.

I can't get over how similar our subject matter is. I literally have like hundreds of lyrics written and I do the same thing. Most of them are just one verse and then I forget about it cause the mood leaves.

Anyways, keep writing and posting here. I'm liking what I see alot.

6,812 Posts
Yeah man, these lyrics are pretty good. They flow real nice. A real nice story to them. Definitly talent here. A lot of the times I'll read someone else's lyrics and think they aren't that good. These on the other hand are very impressive and I love the attitude in them. It's something you could put in your car and drive for miles to just vibing. Great stuff. Would love to hear some finished product.
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