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My mind is foggy, I'm stressed, and I'm depressed (self-diagnosed). Like the title, I am not really sure why I am on this site. I am not really sure what I am trying to get out of this by venting my feelings, emotions, and struggles to complete strangers. Maybe its to get some sort of understanding, validation, a sense of feeling part of something that I've never really felt before, I don’t know...oh well...here it goes..

I'm a 28 year old male. I have what I think is a good job. I think i have a handful of friends, not exactly sure if thats what I should be calling them...but the past decade, maybe more, has felt like a complete disaster.

I started writing this and it got too long, so ill try to give the short version:

I’m a very quiet and shy person. As a result, I have always had extreme difficulty making close relationships. I’ve never had more than a handful of true friends. Social situations scare the living **** out of me for the most part: I get extremely self-conscious, I clam up, have nothing to say, fear I will be judged/rejected, and basically have a feeling of inferiority to everyone else in my surrounding. As a result, ive always felt like an outsider looking in. I had a rough time in junior high school and high school – I’ve had weekends where I didn’t talk to anyone or didn’t go out like normal kids would. I think I made it out of each of those with a total of 2 friends. I feel like people generally get bored of me and move on.

The bullying didn’t start until college surprisingly. Because of that, I’ve always felt like an easy target for people to ridicule or make fun of. I blame myself still because I feel like im doing something wrong. But sometimes I wonder how much of it is my doing. A lot of times I see the bullying as unprovoked and undeserved. To give you an example (this didn’t happen in college but more recently), this girl, who is the sister of a roommate (who I thought was one of my best friends), looked at me straight in the face and said she wouldn’t date me because I was a loser – not that I even want to date her or have any interest in her at all – but it hurt. I never see this girl and never really talk to her because she isn’t around all that often, which makes me wonder why she would say something so vile with the intention of hurting my feelings. I’m paranoid that my roommate maybe is saying things to this girl, and thus she is just verbalizing what everyone else is thinking, that I’m a loser: I never see this girl so I have no other reason why she would say such a thing. But its situations like this, where someone would say something to me with the intention of making fun or hurting my feelings without being provoked in any way. I know im socially awkward, but I always feel like im a good person, always treat people with respect, and always have good intentions.

I must be honest. I’m not a big drinker, but when everyone is out at a bar I will drink. Drinking has helped me relax in social situations to a point, but ive had difficulty controlling my drinking and ive made mistakes because of it. I think because im so quiet/shy when im sober that when I drink someone else comes out, people may get put off. One night I broke something of my roommate’s and ruined his sleep prior to going to school the next day. Someone posted something on social media and my roommate’s comment was “this kid is the biggest loser I’ve ever met.” This was about 2 years ago, and im still hurting from that comment. I knew I made a mistake and I apologized profusely. I feel really ****ty about that situation, not only because I hurt my friend but because right then I knew I had a problem with drinking. I don’t know if he really meant what he said or if it was just out of anger. Prior to this incident, I always felt subjected to the bud of jokes and relentless teasing by other roommates, but for some reason I thought him and I were close friends. But his comment destroyed me and made me question our friendship. I just feel like the amount of teasing/bullying that I’ve been subjected to pale’s in comparison to this drinking incident. I’ve apologized for it, and I’ve hinted that I don’t appreciate all the bullying but it continues.

I don’t have many friends, I know im socially awkward and shy, and I know my drinking only enables my anxiety because of me being prone to making mistakes. I have really calmed down my drinking over the recent months, but I don’t know if its changed anything.

I continue to feel extremely uncomfortable in my own house because I question how strong of friendships I have with my roommates. We have decided to live together again for another year. We are getting older, and I’m sure we will all want our own places at some point. This scares me to no end because I feel like at that point I will almost be forgotten and not included in anything. I look back and wish I had done some things differently, I have a lot of regret, and now I feel like I’ve ruined my life. I feel like ill end up alone with no one. I feel like I cant function in this world like a normal human being.

I don’t really know if I’ve conveyed my story in the best way. But I’ve tried to be honest with all of you and give you a general picture of what has happened.
 

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Your story actually painted everything very well for me to see. I can tell how badly you feel and I struggle with the same feelings of inferiority and being left out. Honestly, I think it is good you are here so that way you can start finding ways to turn everything around as soon as possible, that way you wont feel like you will be alone in the future.
Im not a therapist so I wouldnt know where you should start but Im here to talk to you if you need to.
 

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Welcome, Discouraged1234! :)
 

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hello there i feel u man. Didnt have sort of some kind of same problems till i joined military.Graduated now :) And a close family member illness. today my 1st day too! so welcome Welcome :) (also broke up yesterday with an obssessed girl, but it wasnt good)
hehe, also financials here sucks.all Europe hates us :) hehe.
whatever
welcome
 

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Hey discouraged. I could really connect with your story and i thought there would be so much i could share and talk to you about. If you want to talk im here.
 
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