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I feel like im in prison, in my mind. I feel lonely. So much. But i dont reach out to others. When others reach out to me, i push them away as hard as i can. Then i feel guilty and lonely afterwards. But i cant help it. The prison thats my mind will not allow me any outside contact. I feel like im on death row. Maybe death is the only possible outcome at this point. Maybe its the most desirable. I have noone. I am always alone. The people i live with, i feel like they can barely stand my presence. I feel like i irritate them as much they irritate me. I feel like sometimes they actually hope id just do 'it' (suicide), like theyre aware that ive been thinking of it. I have no friends. I feel like i need someone to listen to me and all the feelings and problems im having. I talk to myself plentifully too, but im sick of doing this. I want to talk to someone and tell them evrything, and i want that person to tell me everything wiill be fine even if i dont believe them. I just want someone to care.
 

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Well even if you don't believe it there are other people here who feel the same way. I know I'd like to talk to someone about this stuff but telling someone you have no friends seems really embarrassing, and I wouldn't blame someone for not wanting to be around somebody who complains like that.
 

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I have such persistent lonely thoughts now. I can't enjoy the things I used to because a lonely thought will always creep into my head. I don't have the reassurance that a girl loves and cares about me, to be the drive I need to better myself. No girl to love back and care for, a familiar face who can just be there. Go places with, share experiences with and look after one another. As time goes on it seems more unrealistic that I'll have that, and you would think you would eventually decide you have no choice but to accept it and be comfortable on your own...well I know some people can do that, and I might be able to one day, but right now being alone is so painful. I'm not completely alone though, I am so thankful I have a sister I'm close to, and a friendship that has lasted seven years. I can only imagine the despair some of you must feel being completely isolated from any loved ones. Regardless of the people I do have in my life though, I still feel like a lonely person. I wish I had the confidence that other guys have just to go and talk to a girl. Still hoping though.
 

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First of all, welcome to SAS olen92. You've made an important first step, there are many many people here who are in the same situation as yourself. Keep posting and reading and you might find you will actually connect with some people here who at least you could have an online relationship with.
It sounds like you really could benefit from seeing some sort of councilor. If money is an issue seek out organizations that offer service on a sliding fee scale structure, you pay what you can afford.
I know for myself this was the first step I made when I felt so alone. It really did help to have someone to talk with, even if you are paying them to listen. But they had good advice, and I'm in a much better place now than I was at your age. There's a lot of hard work ahead of you, but the rewards can be dramatic if you follow through.
Good luck to you, I wish you the very best.
 

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Alone and happy about it
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I quite like talking to people on this site, but it's a very different story in person. I have no friends to hang out with and I NEVER go out socialising. You probably won't believe this, but I just don't seem to get lonely. I like spending time with my family, but I have no friends or a girlfriend to spend time with, and I'm STILL HAPPY. Honestly, I must be the only person on this whole forum who is actually happy about having no friends and never socialising. But don't let my personality affect yours. It's just how I feel.
 

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Hey Olen.

Yeah. It can seem like solitary confinement endlessly I know. I'm new to this forum, have been reading stuff today. I USED to have tonnes of friends and girlfriends. But I think when I was younger I dealt with my issues by drinking, doing drugs, pretending to be cool. Four years ago I quit all of that. Wanted to find out who I was really. It's been semi cool and mostly sucked. I slowly slowly pushed everyone away, just couldn't handle people without the safety net of drugs and booze. Have become a massive loner. I'm not sure how lonely I feel though. I find most people annoying. But I have high ADD which means I have a desire to blab constantly about how I see the World and me etc etc. The longer that's bottled up the more anti-social I've become. I'm ironically on shed loads of meds which dull me to the existential pain I probably feel deep inside. The trick, I say this for me, not as a all conquering thing.....but the way I've come to deal is to take out the frustration part. We're bombarded from an early age with ideals and norms of what our lives should be like. Hideously reinforced constantly by the media machine. I guess a lot of people do have happy lives. But some of us don't. I've come to accept, like the second poster on this thread, that mine probably aint gonna be one of the happy ones. I dated non-stop for fifteen years. Now nothing in four. The 'me' off rec drugs and booze is a weirdo, and my meds have killed my libido. But I'm trying to think it's all ok. It's not of course. But....I've partly accepted my fate....and still have moments where things are OK. I had one single friend the last four years. And he killed himself a year ago. I miss him a lot. I felt angry and robbed and cheated and bitter. But what right do I have to simply expect life to be great?? Zero. I just.....carry on......that's all you can do. You, me, all us guys and girls on here are very special in our own ways. And incredibly strong to endure what we do. Just....keep going.....you never know what might happen. Something good perhaps. A little something. Try not to get too frustrated. I know it's hard. But there is dignity in simply prevailing. Just by not giving up means you're still a fighter.....which means you do have something you should be very proud of yourself for.
 
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