Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 3 of 3 Posts

·
stillborn
Joined
·
1,764 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My apologies if this has already been brought up, but I just wanted to share with you my letter to my anxiety. My shrink had me complete this exercise for her tomorrow, I put it to the last minute because I was scared of the thought to confront my anxiety. We called my anxiety 'The Judging Window'. Representative of the face I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Well, here I go. Please be nice, this is very personal! Also, feel free to write a letter to your anxiety here. I'm glad I did. It made me feel better.

Dear Judging Room,

You don't know how much I wish I could just close the curtains. Board up the little grotto that you skulk in. Put up a little curtain rod, a blinder and sheers. So that way you couldn't peer in anymore.

Really. I've had it. I am sick and tired of you constantly interchanging the people who stand behind the glass and watch me. You whisper things about me while looking right at me. Rallying against me. I'm left to decipher the bits and pieces of canard that I strain to hear through the thin glass.

The room always has to be full of people. Squeeze as many people in there as possible and see what dirt they can dig up. What skeletons in the closet they can hurl at me. You just got an A++ on your watercolor landscape, did you? Well, he doesn't like you. Oh, give me a break. Why would he? You're boring, lousy and miserable. You made an idiot of yourself in grade 8, you look bad today, and people think you are rude, ugly and annoying. You know that's true. How to you feel now? How to you feel now you wretched, hopeless, troubled little child?

Dear judging room; You are sadistic. You are loathsome. I hate you. You make me sick. I wish you were palpable. I would climb into that window and beat the **** out of every single person in there. People that I love and care about. People I thought liked me. Well I guess not because they're in there! They're mocking ME. There isn't a thing I can do about it. So I'll plaster that placid expression on my face, and not say anything to anyone because I'll only make myself look stupid.

You make me feel like there's 1,000,000 eyes on me, every second of every day. I have to watch my every move. Do I look stupid? Am I accidentally distorting my face? Is there some sort of sign stuck to my back? Did that sound stupid? Maybe I should re-phrase that last statement- was I grammatically correct? Was the tone of my voice too condescending? Did she think I was staring at her? Did he think I was starting at him? Is there something stuck to my face? Back? Shoulder? Hair? Bag? Legs? Should I sit like this? Should I stand here? Like this? Now?
Those are the questions that scuttle through my head every minute. Every conscious moment. Those aren't even all of them.

You are the meanest person who ever existed. You make Hannibal Lector look like Mother Teresa. You made me research that last sentence to make sure I knew what I was talking about. You're bossy. You never let me go anywhere with anyone. I can't look at him just once, because he's just attractive, because he'll think I'm creepy. I don't deserve affection. I can't eat lunch with Allison and her friends. I can't do anything because I don't deserve it. I'll only make myself look bad. I'll do something stupid. I'll be even more isolated. Except this time not by choice. I have to live like there's a camera on me. If I try to disobey you, I'll feel the consequences. You're like a noose- the harder I pull to escape, the tighter you become, until I can't be human anymore. I can't fart, burp, smell bad, make an ugly face. You'll dive out of the window you lurk in and slap me, choke me, like a helpless dog. You'll collude around me, swooping over me like shadows out of Scooby-Doo.

I called the Kids Help Phone once. You'll never let me live that down. I looked at my grade 3 teachers' chest every time I walked up to her desk. (She should have been wearing more appropriate clothing if you ask me...) You'll never let me live that down. I lied about my self when I had Facebook. You'll never let me live that down. I cried in grade 7 when super model didn't appear on my career options list. You'll never let me live that down, either. Every time I think of any of these things, I have to whistle, snort out loud, or cough, just to physically take my mind off of it. I have to be perfect. I can't say or do anything stupid. If I do, it will chase me around with a machete for the rest of my life.

I hate you. I hate you. You're my bête noire. You're repulsive. You make me want to hole myself in my room and listen to bossa nova jazz all day. Sitting in the dark. It wouldn't matter anyways. The cameras would still be on me. You'd either watch me though the window or your nifty little viewing screens that my imagination gave to you. Right now I can hear you pounding my head, saying, "You're so emo, Listen to yourself". "If anyone knew about this they'd be so scared of you". But that's the thing, you already told them. Everyone is reading every word I type. You make me want to flail around some unknown city, with tears streaming down my face screaming, "Get out of my head you horrible monster!" ."The whispers! The whispers! AHHH! Make them stop! Make them leave me alone!" But I can't do that. You won't let me. I'm trapped t this ever tightening noose. My only chose is to sit there and take it. Don't say 'nuttin to no one, don't let on that you aren't mentally stable.

Whatever. I hate you. I hate you I wish I could scratch you in the face. I wish I could ignore this blinking cursor.
 

·
stillborn
Joined
·
1,764 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Well Im really glad that at least two people have read that. Made me feel better! And gensym, I really hope that girl will go dancing with you. She should! She'll be the one missing out of she doesn't! It does make me feel better to know that guys typically wouldn't think I was creepy... well, that's SA for you! Also, I really enjoted reading your letter, too!
 

·
stillborn
Joined
·
1,764 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Wow! Thanks, everyone. You made me feel really good. And I'm glad the responses I got were positive. I'm so glad to have made other people join. This is just a great place to be and it's helped me acknowledge my anxiety- the first step to getting rid of it.
 
1 - 3 of 3 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top