Social Anxiety Support Forum banner

1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
stillborn
Joined
·
1,764 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My apologies if this has already been brought up, but I just wanted to share with you my letter to my anxiety. My shrink had me complete this exercise for her tomorrow, I put it to the last minute because I was scared of the thought to confront my anxiety. We called my anxiety 'The Judging Window'. Representative of the face I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Well, here I go. Please be nice, this is very personal! Also, feel free to write a letter to your anxiety here. I'm glad I did. It made me feel better.

Dear Judging Room,

You don't know how much I wish I could just close the curtains. Board up the little grotto that you skulk in. Put up a little curtain rod, a blinder and sheers. So that way you couldn't peer in anymore.

Really. I've had it. I am sick and tired of you constantly interchanging the people who stand behind the glass and watch me. You whisper things about me while looking right at me. Rallying against me. I'm left to decipher the bits and pieces of canard that I strain to hear through the thin glass.

The room always has to be full of people. Squeeze as many people in there as possible and see what dirt they can dig up. What skeletons in the closet they can hurl at me. You just got an A++ on your watercolor landscape, did you? Well, he doesn't like you. Oh, give me a break. Why would he? You're boring, lousy and miserable. You made an idiot of yourself in grade 8, you look bad today, and people think you are rude, ugly and annoying. You know that's true. How to you feel now? How to you feel now you wretched, hopeless, troubled little child?

Dear judging room; You are sadistic. You are loathsome. I hate you. You make me sick. I wish you were palpable. I would climb into that window and beat the **** out of every single person in there. People that I love and care about. People I thought liked me. Well I guess not because they're in there! They're mocking ME. There isn't a thing I can do about it. So I'll plaster that placid expression on my face, and not say anything to anyone because I'll only make myself look stupid.

You make me feel like there's 1,000,000 eyes on me, every second of every day. I have to watch my every move. Do I look stupid? Am I accidentally distorting my face? Is there some sort of sign stuck to my back? Did that sound stupid? Maybe I should re-phrase that last statement- was I grammatically correct? Was the tone of my voice too condescending? Did she think I was staring at her? Did he think I was starting at him? Is there something stuck to my face? Back? Shoulder? Hair? Bag? Legs? Should I sit like this? Should I stand here? Like this? Now?
Those are the questions that scuttle through my head every minute. Every conscious moment. Those aren't even all of them.

You are the meanest person who ever existed. You make Hannibal Lector look like Mother Teresa. You made me research that last sentence to make sure I knew what I was talking about. You're bossy. You never let me go anywhere with anyone. I can't look at him just once, because he's just attractive, because he'll think I'm creepy. I don't deserve affection. I can't eat lunch with Allison and her friends. I can't do anything because I don't deserve it. I'll only make myself look bad. I'll do something stupid. I'll be even more isolated. Except this time not by choice. I have to live like there's a camera on me. If I try to disobey you, I'll feel the consequences. You're like a noose- the harder I pull to escape, the tighter you become, until I can't be human anymore. I can't fart, burp, smell bad, make an ugly face. You'll dive out of the window you lurk in and slap me, choke me, like a helpless dog. You'll collude around me, swooping over me like shadows out of Scooby-Doo.

I called the Kids Help Phone once. You'll never let me live that down. I looked at my grade 3 teachers' chest every time I walked up to her desk. (She should have been wearing more appropriate clothing if you ask me...) You'll never let me live that down. I lied about my self when I had Facebook. You'll never let me live that down. I cried in grade 7 when super model didn't appear on my career options list. You'll never let me live that down, either. Every time I think of any of these things, I have to whistle, snort out loud, or cough, just to physically take my mind off of it. I have to be perfect. I can't say or do anything stupid. If I do, it will chase me around with a machete for the rest of my life.

I hate you. I hate you. You're my bête noire. You're repulsive. You make me want to hole myself in my room and listen to bossa nova jazz all day. Sitting in the dark. It wouldn't matter anyways. The cameras would still be on me. You'd either watch me though the window or your nifty little viewing screens that my imagination gave to you. Right now I can hear you pounding my head, saying, "You're so emo, Listen to yourself". "If anyone knew about this they'd be so scared of you". But that's the thing, you already told them. Everyone is reading every word I type. You make me want to flail around some unknown city, with tears streaming down my face screaming, "Get out of my head you horrible monster!" ."The whispers! The whispers! AHHH! Make them stop! Make them leave me alone!" But I can't do that. You won't let me. I'm trapped t this ever tightening noose. My only chose is to sit there and take it. Don't say 'nuttin to no one, don't let on that you aren't mentally stable.

Whatever. I hate you. I hate you I wish I could scratch you in the face. I wish I could ignore this blinking cursor.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Wow. This is maybe the first post I've read here and I just joined to reply to it.
So...I got to this site googling around for facebook etiquette... yeah, being way too analytical about it. I met a girl a few days ago, didn't get her number, but I want to ask her out for maybe a drink, or a dance, this weekend. I know I'll never see her again unless I initiate it. But how? If I post on her facebook wall, her friends will see it and figure what I'm up to, and if she doesn't want to go with me, they'll all laugh and I'll look like a desperate loser in front of all these people... but a private message seems too personal, she'll figure I'm doing that because I'm scared and that'd turn her off too, and she'd probably tell all her friends anyway... ugh.
And then I get to this site, and I'm searching for "facebook" to see what people say about this, and up this comes, somehow. And yes, this is exactly how I feel.
"You never let me go anywhere with anyone. I can’t look at him just once, because he’s just attractive, because he’ll think I’m creepy. I don’t deserve affection. I can’t eat lunch with Allison and her friends. I can’t do anything because I don’t deserve it. I’ll only make myself look bad. I’ll do something stupid. I’ll be even more isolated. Except this time not by choice."
Wow, I have thoughts like this maybe a million times a day. Funny though, I can't imagine girls thinking that looking at a guy is creepy. I have never once thought a girl was creepy. I'd be extremely flattered (and if she's pretty, I'd be nervous too, because I'd want to say hello but I'd be afraid to open my mouth and wreck the good impression :)) I think any guy would feel that way. It always seems like girls are the ones worried about creepiness if you let your gaze linger for more than an instant. Doesn't she know that I want to smile and say hi, I just can't force my mouth to open up and do it...instead she gives me this uncomfortable glare and goes back to her magazine and I look away...

"You make me want to hole myself in my room and listen to bossa nova jazz all day. Sitting in the dark."
Oh, I know this... Saturday nights when my roommates are all out drinking at parties and I'm home alone with my ipod because I can't bring myself to go, to have that stench of desperation hanging off me as I try to chat up some drunk girl, who condenscendingly laughs at me and moves on (thinking "out of college for a year and you're still coming to our parties? Loser...")

"Every time I think of any of these things, I have to whistle, snort out loud, or cough, just to physically take my mind off of it."
Ha. Yes. People give me strange looks when I'm standing on the subway reliving some horrible memory and let out this sharp exhale. This happens all the time...

Thanks for this. It must have been hard to write it all down and post it. But it's good to know other people out there feel the same. Well, I know some other guys who do, but girls feel the same! It's surprising to me, I guess I just saw this all from a (albeit somewhat isolated guy)'s point of view. Society doesn't expect girls to be confident and aggressive and out there putting their egos on the line.
Maybe it'd help to tell you that I'd never think less of a girl, or find her creepy or stupid or anything, for any of the things you describe. The only trait I'd be judgmental about is cruelty or taking advantage of people. And judging from my conversations with friends we pretty much all agree that that's about it. But from this letter you certainly don't seem like you're anything like that. I think it's good to write letters like this, once you objectify and label something that makes it easier to confront. Or even mock. I definitely know that...
Of course you've probably heard this all before, God knows how often people reassure me with their facts and reason; doesn't do a damn thing! :)

So now what...
OK, i just posted on her wall asking her to come out dancing with me. And predictably I'm now imagining what all her friends will say to her about me, mockingly, and I feel like a loser.
So here is my letter to my anxiety:
I know you're there, you make sure of that; you make me feel like a broken shell of a man every time I try to do anything I really want. Great. But I'll just do those things anyway, and because of you I'll constantly feel like a socially awkward failure that no one wants to talk to, and people feel embarrassed just knowing, and everyone looks down on and laughs at, for the rest of my life. Fine. You're a bully, and like all the past bullies, when I stand up to you, I'll just get beaten up and lose. But I'll do it anyway, as often as I can, so that when I'm looking back on it all, I won't have too many missed chances to regret. Because you never know when some clueless girl might actually fall for my romance act :)
 

·
stillborn
Joined
·
1,764 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Well Im really glad that at least two people have read that. Made me feel better! And gensym, I really hope that girl will go dancing with you. She should! She'll be the one missing out of she doesn't! It does make me feel better to know that guys typically wouldn't think I was creepy... well, that's SA for you! Also, I really enjoted reading your letter, too!
 

·
Poster of Random Nothings
Joined
·
47 Posts
That was a great post Audrey.

If that was just last-minute, it's obvious that you're intelligent. Very very well written. I'm jealous. :clap

I don't think I would be so artistic in my explanation. When I feel I have to do something I just talk to myself for a few minutes, tell myself to man up and quit being a ***** about it. JUST. DO. IT.

My letter would be:

Dear anxiety,

You suck. You have me under your thumb, eh? I'm just dancing on your strings, am I? Well, **** you buddy! You got nothing on me! I control you! I exist, it's my mind you're playing in. Without me you're nothing, not even a thought. That's all you are anyhow. Just thoughts. If I didn't live you wouldn't live, but you think you're in control? Don't make me laugh. You didn't even create yourself. You're a compilation; a disease of my consciousness. The outside world has created you in me, but I have fed you. I groomed you, nursed you on my fragility, and unknowingly created a monster.

Well, now I see you for what you really are, you snake. You viper. You've taken all the worst moments of my past, the things I fed you as examples, and turned them into your poison. When I try to walk, I feel the thoughts of evolution about my head. I see my hands swaying limply at my sides and think of Darwin. I see myself as a beast dressed in man's clothing, and I sigh. I see a pretty girl look at me, and the best I can do is stare blankly back. She might not know I'm not seeing through her by will, it's just reaction. I can't let her near me.

Oh what wondrous things you've done for me, anxiety. Now I live with you... you alone.

I DON'T HAVE TO! You were created by me, and I can destroy you. It might not be easy, but I'm gonna get me back. I'm not you. You're mine, you spoiled child. And now that you've become a detriment to my happiness, you are unnecessary. Have fun while you can. I'm gonna go outside. I'm gonna show you that I'm just as good as anyone else. I'm gonna let the sunlight curl you up and dry you out. You're a vampire and I'm going to open windows on you, ****er. It's almost morning you detestable sonofa*****. Just watch, dammit. Watch me. Stare out my eyes as I lock with others. See their approving, genial glances and feel your limbs come off. Your hands aren't at my throat, you're just a figment. You. are. nothing.

Sincerely,
Anthony (aka- your end, *****!)

Well, that went on a little longer than expected, but it was fun. :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
575 Posts
edit I ment me saying I liked that seemed like the wrong words.
Not that you had written the wrong words btw.

:)

Also Nice work Mr Frenz!
I could picture "I'm gonna let the sunlight curl you up and dry you out"
this part hehe.
 

·
ಠ ¿ ಠ
Joined
·
913 Posts
Dear Anxiety,

Curse you. I will see you shrivel and burn into nothingness, now or in the afterlife.

Terse, and to the point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
575 Posts
Dear Anxiety

I know you have been with me for a long time, and I know you think you are
protecting me from the 'big bad world'. Your intentions are good. But you are
stopping me from living.You make me fearful in safe situations, of nice people,
and of new places. You limit me and I won't let you do it anymore.

x
 

·
A jagged pulse
Joined
·
310 Posts
I love this.

Dear anxiety
Its time to let me free already. ive been your prisoner for way too long. you tell me lies about myself, how i talk ,how i look to other ,how smart i am.i know these are lies , because when i take a step back and examine the big picture i find no evidence.more to this letter coming soon:mum
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
OMG Audrey, that letter blew me away.. and was also the reason for ME creating this account. It described how I feel on a day to day basis so accurately. Thanks so much for sharing all that.

I guess this is my letter..

Dear SA,

Thanks for nothing.. Nothing but this pattern of putting people off.. Starting a "conversation" just so they can walk away from me and the awkwardness at every social event. It never fails. Liking people, and you getting in the way of them liking me back. Not liking people, because it'll never go anywhere anyway. Building no kind of relationship with people I've been around for years, since all you let me do is "hi" and "bye."

Behind the poker face, my mode is really on System Overload as you overwhelm me with all the usual thoughts.. Do any of these people even like me? How can they? After years of being around them, your wall is still up, and they know nothing about you. My presence is messing it all up, it's only this quiet because I'm here. It's been established by them already, you're really just cold and bland, not shy. If you talk, you'll just regret what you say after. Sounding condesending, but still feeling stupid at the end of the day. Can't write a damn comment anywhere on Myspace, Facebook, or even text messages, without the triple editing, because it sounds dumb. Knowing his friends and family are turned off by me and ask what the hell do you see in him? He has nothing to offer. Wishing I did say this, wishing I didn't say that, after every interaction with people. Just looking like a grinning idiot, as the only way to show that I don't hate them, I just can't operate with you here.

Carefree and extroverted as a child, not caring about who said what, and that's when you appeared.

Again, thanks for nothing.

-PC
 

·
stillborn
Joined
·
1,764 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Wow! Thanks, everyone. You made me feel really good. And I'm glad the responses I got were positive. I'm so glad to have made other people join. This is just a great place to be and it's helped me acknowledge my anxiety- the first step to getting rid of it.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Top