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Interesting experience meditating!!

Well about 20 minutes ago I had something cool happen while meditating. First to put this in context I will copy and paste something I wrote earlier about the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.

Also first I would like to tell you why I really really believe in meditation. Especially the ones I am about to list. I had suffered some severe mental traumas (temporary depersonalization syndrome, completely bizarre and very destructive thoughts) due to some really bad hallucinogenic drug experiences. I was pretty much a complete anxious / depressed suicidal mess for half a year afterwards. Only after about 1 year could i be somewhat functional. (Still incredibly anxious and depressed but better than I was) Anyway I was researching meditation and buddhism, and was practicing 'mindfulness of breath meditation,' I was doing it wrong, was controlling the breath instead of just 'watching' it without manipulating it. Anyways I had been meditating for 2 and a half hours or so in the dark basement when all the sudden I sort of freaked myself out, I felt the panic sensation coming and my heart started beating incredibly fast. My first urge was to stop meditating and try to escape mentally before it turned into a full fledged panic attack, instead I decided to stay with it and completely surrender to the panic attack, I 'let it do its worst', make no mental resistance, just allow the panic to be, watch it, don't identify with it, don't think about it, just feel it and put your attention on it. Anyways it turned it into a complete full blown panic attack. My heart and breath were incredibly fast. Still had the urge to try to escape it mentally but I did not I just continued the practice.

Anyways after about 1 or 2 minutes of this and me staying present and creating no mental resistance to it and facing it head on all the sudden the panic completely changed. I was no longer panicky at all. I felt absolutely amazing. It shifted almost instantly too. I had what felt like energy and tingles just surging up and down my back and I felt incredibly elated like a huge weight was lifted off my mind. Felt very happy and completely different. Seemed like all the negative energy was released. A state of bliss. Most amazing experience I've ever had. I never had a panic attack again and for half year or so I felt very good, still had some social anxiety by it was greatly reduced, then I got into other drugs and bad habits returned. Anxious again. Bad anxiety maybe but still no panic attacks. Also I think I closed the door on depersonalization syndrome forever. Never depersonalized since or had the feeling like your awareness increases like 100x like you do when you are about to depersonalize. Anyways I later read Eckhart Tolle and Adyashanti and they described the mental aspect of it perfectly. Also Eckhart Tolle described exactly what happened to me. Like people would come up to him and tell him about experiences that were the exact same as mine
Alright so anyway just a bit ago I was meditating using an adyashanti / general mindfulness type of meditation. During the meditation my awareness just happened to shift to my breath sort of spontaneously (it constantly shifts with adyashanti meditation) anyways I usually don't like doing mindfulness of breath type meditation because I feel a physical discomfort in my stomach and chest area. You know how when you are really stressed or anxious and you feel a lot of emotional energy in your chest and stomach? Especially things like public speaking etc. Well anyways I sort of have a constant very subtle discomfort feeling in that area. Anyways instead of willfully shifting my attention to something else I instead shifted my awareness onto this discomfort sensation. I had just read some Eckhart Tolle earlier today and remembering my past experience above I thought I would see if I couldn't try to 'release' this energy and face the fear head on again like I did earlier. Anyways so I shift my attention onto this discomfort sensation and for about 15 minutes or so I'm just 'feeling' it and just allowing it to be. Not trying to avoid it or anything, just feeling it completely and 'watching' it. Anyways I was having a fair amount of mental resistance, wanting to stop doing it and do a more pleasant meditation. I felt fairly confident though that I could sit through this panic attack if it happened. Wanted to release all this negative energy that's been building up for years. So I continued on anyways shortly I started to feel my breath quicken and my heartbeat pick up. This heightened my awareness considerably and all the sudden I just felt no mental fear or resistance at all, only the physical sensation of the beginning of a panic attack. I really really wanted the panic attack to happen. I was completely in the zone and was just waiting and wanting for it to go into a complete panic attack. At that moment I was very very confident that I could sit through it and face it head on like I did earlier. Anyways the panic sensation continued and got worse but unfortunately a full panic attack didn't happen. It just went away as quick as it came. I think maybe the fact that I wanted it to happen and subtley tried to make it happen contributed to the fact that it didn't. Next time I will just completely allow it to be as it is and just 'watch' and feel it and not try and manipulate it at all. I'm not sure but I am definitely going to experiment with this. I have huge amounts of negative emotional energy in me and really want to get rid of it. I don't fear panic attacks now either. (In a social setting it is another matter, I think I would still fear those) So I think its only a matter of time before I get rid of it!

Anyways it seems like some negative emotional energy was released (not nearly as much as last time, last time was incredible) because I'm feeling very good right now and I also got the tingling sensations running down my back like last time. I am really quite confident that this is key though to beating anxiety and panic! Panic attacks should be looked at as gateways and shortcuts into very fast mental transformations, opportunities really. I am really excited and proud of myself that there was literally no mental fear at all during this whole thing. I think I am really making progress. I just need to unleash all the built up negative energy in me right now. Feeling quite confident at the moment. Hopefully I can repeat this experience. Hopefully this wasn't a really huge wasted opportunity where I could have had a repeat of above experience.

If anyone wants to know more indebth about the technique I use to face these panic attacks read Eckhart Tolle's book "The power of now" especially the chapters about the 'pain body' and 'surrender' etc. Also Adyashanti is a must read as well. (Or listen really I just listen to his retreats and audiobooks and such)
 

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Very interesting. That must feel amazing to be able to conquer a panic attack!
It does always help to look back to your worst panic attack and see that nothing bad happened from it. I was always afraid that I would die, and obviously that never happened.
 
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