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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I hate going to parties. I hate going to the bar, especially alone, because I feel like everyone is watching me and secretly laughing at the guy who goes to the bar by himself, like I'm waiting for people to show up but they never do. For a long time, I've wondered why I seem to lack social instinct, why I don't allow myself to get close to anyone, have the hardest time showing emotion towards people, and why I can't ask girls out. I get pretty depressed about it, once or twice a month. It's especially bad if I've been drinking. More recently, I've felt like I'm missing something, lacking this instinct that everyone else seems to have been born with. That, or there's a secret club where they teach you this stuff when you're 14 and I never got invited.

So tonight, I google "social instinct" so I can figure out what the hell is wrong. I wind up finding articles on "social anxiety disorder" and remember seeing ads for it when I was like 14 or 15, and even though I thought it was laughable to call that a "disorder", I could identify with it back then. I read a ton of accounts and the common symptoms, and I suddenly didn't feel so alone anymore. Actually, I felt more depressed having found out what it was and that it's never going away completely, but it felt like maybe I have some hope now. I totally identify with this, especially the part about the fear of being judged/criticized and public embarrassment. I've known now for at least 3 years that my biggest fear is looking bad in front of a lot of people. I know I irrationally fear rejection and I don't handle criticism too well. When I screw things up, instead of going "oh well," I just mentally start insulting myself, saying how bad I am and things like that.

Sorry for the tl;dr first post, but I don't really have anyone outside of family that I trust enough to tell this kind of stuff to. It's been welling up for quite some time, and it's great to know there's a community of people who share this problem. So hello, and thanks for reading my anonymous story. :)

edit: Just wanted to add. I KNOW this is completely illogical, because on the surface, I have tons of reasons to not fear being social. I'm a good looking guy of average build, talented song writer, clean cut, good singing voice, nice guy...but I guess over the years, that's only added to the problem, because I tell myself that I'm basically normal on the outside, but on the inside I'm not. Oh man....how many nights I've just wanted to experience one day of being "normal".
 

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... , have the hardest time showing emotion towards people, ...
That's one of the harder issues I'm currently dealing with as well. I feel nearly emotionless a lot of the time and I have trouble empathizing with others on an emotional level.

Anyways, welcome to the forum.
 

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Welcome and I hope you find the site useful. I like the image of the "party". I feel like I missed that one too.
 

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Sorry for the tl;dr first post, but I don't really have anyone outside of family that I trust enough to tell this kind of stuff to.
Same here, except that i havent told to my parents that i have SAD. I havent told about it to anyone. And hello, i am newcomer too here :)
 

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Hey borderline_0 :wels
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Same here, except that i havent told to my parents that i have SAD. I havent told about it to anyone. And hello, i am newcomer too here :)
Another thing about me that I identify with SA, I have a very difficult time trusting people. As a result, I doubt I'll be telling this to anyone soon.

Oh yeah, anyone else do this? Whenever I get around to writing in my journal (which is on my laptop and interestingly, I only write in it when I'm feeling depressed), I edit stuff out on the fly; I rewrite, take out certain things, etc, because some of it is embarrassing, even though no one besides me will ever read it.
 

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I couldn't have put it together better. After reading your post, I almost felt "normal" as you put it. There are so many days that I feel so alone, I've tried to talk to my family and friends, but they just don't understand. All the advice they can give me (when their not shutting me out) is you should seek professional help.

I'm married, have a decent job, and have few
"real" friends. I haven't been able to make new friends in a long time now and feel detached from the friends I do have. I've gotten to the point of giving up, so I rarely speak to people anymore, and when I do I feel like I'm forcing myself to be social. I often get ignored and passed off, so I tend to crawl right back into solitude. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but for the first time in a long time, I felt that I could relate to someone.

Thank you for sharing! I see that I am not alone. e
 

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Borderline--I can relate to everything you said. I too keep asking myself why I can't feel normal and relaxed in social settings. I look normal, I smile a lot. I'm a nice person. But my sister was the 'smart one' and I was 'the pretty one' and I guess that has stuck with me. I can't talk in group situations because I feel like whatever I say will sound stupid. Or worse, it really will be stupid. I have a college education but in my family I'm still the stupid one. When I'm in public I always feel like people are looking at me and I just want to disappear. I never can keep a friend around for long and I have pretty much stopped trying because I am so tired of the rejection. Sometimes I think maybe I sabotage relationships--I test them to see if the person really does love me, and they never pass the test so they move on. But even if that's what I do, what's wrong with me that they don't want to 'pass the test'? Books and movies are full of people who stick with each other no matter what. Why doesn't anyone stick with me no matter what? I would do just about anything for a friend--does that mean I come on too strong and needy? I don't want to be alone and lonely for the rest of my life but how can I not be when I'm not 'normal'? Rejection seems to be the theme of my life...
All of that is to say it's not just you Borderline--others feel that way too! Now the question is--is there anything we can do about it?
 

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Welcome, Borderline0! :)
 
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