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every single day i tell myself, "just make it through the day, it gets better, it will get better, one day at a time,"

quite honestly, i am tired of using this phrase. i want to terminally fall asleep, to die, without the suffering i know it will incite in my family. the fight should not be a fight, so why continue to throw punches just so i can hit myself and fall back to the ground? there won't be anyone to lift me up because i am too afraid of the brains behind the hands that offer me help, understanding, anything. i am weak, they will see. they will judge, and they will not be the friend i need. just a temporary somebody who is there because they DON'T understand, but need to.

i don't know if i make any sense. sometimes i feel schizophrenic. i cannot explain, i cannot speak. what i seem very capable of doing, however, is constantly criticizing and comparing myself to other people. i write myself off as inferior always, an F, a failure. my intellect knows i need to somehow negate the negative thoughts with positives through affirmations, but there is so much blather in my head that i do NOT know where to begin. self-help books/philosophies such as The Secret, A New Earth, have only further deepened my self-hatred. I know I am responsible for the lonely atrocity that is my life, war between a suicide, a success story, or some mediocre in-between.

if i am to label myself, i'm something of a perfectionistic, socially decrepit monster. it is so difficult for me to even write with the level of perfectionism, judgment, i put on myself. it hurts.
i don't feel comfortable around anyone, anymore. not that there ever really was a frame of time where i felt i could be at ease around many people, at one point i think it was bearable. anyway, when people try and talk to me i just kind of stare off like, hey, i'm a half-retarded with nothing to say. I listen to people when they talk, but a lot of what they're saying doesn't get through to me because I'm so transfixed with the next instant, my big showtime moment to speak and prove myself socially worthy, a grammy trophy earning performer who, get this, doesn't even have to put on a performance because it's REALITY. yes, i'm always trying to prove this to myself. if i can fool myself i can fool the world because i am by far my worst nemesis. sometimes, i'm a huge *****. when i was younger, i didn't understand big *****es. now i see them as being misery-stricken people like myself, who (possibly, but definitely in my case) hate themselves, and thus project it onto the world. I judge people in my head before they can get around to judging me in theirs. i actually don't know if I am the judgmental one, or if i have been made this way by assuming i have always been judged these twenty years of existence. if i weren't so goddamn honest with myself, maybe i would get away with seeing myself as a *****-because-of-outside-circumstances kind of *****. however, i know i just am really unhappy with myself, my poor social skills, my wonderful self-scolding skills, my lack of friends, how my life has turned out because of all the aforementioned...
i am afraid of being vulnerable like i am, of being stepped on like i am the ground and not some hypersensitive, crazy person. i have this fortress ****ing wall up, and if someone so much as pokes it with the wrong finger i will flip out and attempt isolation. it's mostly this way in intimate relationships, and isolating myself backfires into self-hatred because i realize i'm just being ultra-sensitive and unfair since i don't apply the sensitivity that i feel to anyone else. if i am to lather someone up with the sensitivity i have, they may take advantage, they may...i can't find the words, but i fear my sensitivity. i'm a raging, angry lesbian. angry at myself. since i've been in high school i've gotten into these codependent, life-or-kill-yourself relationships. they are shrouded in my fears, my jealousy, my resentments. i project SO MANY of my feelings, if not all. and really, all these relationships had potential health benefits instead of hazards if i only had a balanced life, and self-esteem. where are the self-esteem building work-shops? is social anxiety just a lack of self-esteem? i need help and my cognitive behavioral therapist won't even answer the phone. something MUST be wrong.
i just got out of a relationship that i am back in again. this girl was the only one i was comfortable around until she moved out. now i push her away often because i no longer feel that safety, that comfort. i tell myself i should just be alone.
i need to be able to talk to people. if i could only talk to people and not feel like my pores reek of frightened freak, i would be content. or would i?
my name is meredith, i turn 21 in a few weeks, and it sucks to be this down in life at such a young age. i have suffered from social anxiety my whole life. i'm a byproduct of two anxious parents that i fear becoming. sometimes, i think i'm a sociopath. sometimes, i know better. i guess i have a wild imagination that has run away with my sanity. i hope there are people out in this world who can relate. i'm sure i have an undiagnosed, dual or tri diagnosis of some sort. i cannot really figure out what is "wrong" with me besides my own head. i constantly envision myself being other people; i try talking like people i meet who aren't socially inept. like, i'll imagine myself as them when i speak, at times. when i read books (recently augusten burroughs) i picture myself as that person, like i have their life, and then i make these unfair comparisons like [oh, you aren't as funny as him and never will be.] (and since i want to be a writer) [you will never write like that, you didn't have the awareness that he had when he was younger, you are nothing like these successful people, you don't believe in yourself] i drive myself to the cobwebs up the walls and get stuck in them every goddamn day. just make it through the day.
 

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Hey Meredith, welcome.
You can definately turn things around, you just have to be ready to. If you apply yourself as well to lifting yourself up by saying good things to yourself as well as you do with the negative, you will be amazing and you will do amazing things with your life. Trust me. We get this one chance in life so why waste it? I spent too much of my life doing just that (focusing on the negative) and it's regrettable. I hope you can begin to focus some on the positives (there are clearly so many) and see what you come up with then. I for one think you're going to be just fine. In fact, I think you will be fantastic....because you already are!
 

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Hey meaningless welcome. :)
 

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Neurotic megalomaniac
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When you see yourself as other people, it's a good thing because you're using it to cope with SA. There isn't anything wrong with role-playing. I used to be ashamed of it too since I wasn't being myself, but When you pretend you're other people and are successful at it, like having a conversation, it's a positive step because you're doing things you wouldn't normally do.

Self-hatred can get so bad that once you reach the bottom, you're angry that you can't go any further and so you bring yourself down in other areas (at least that's what it feels like). The best way to combat this is how Isabel said: try to recognize your negative thoughts and realize the good side that you're neglecting. There's always a good side. If you can't do that, then realize why your negative thoughts aren't as severe as you think they are - because they never are. This condition is riddled with irrational thoughts, look for proof of why they are.

This is a good thread on perfectionism:

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com...-to-not-even-attempting-to-do-anything-69760/
 

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:wel
 

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Ms. Meaningless,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting. A lot of what you wrote definitely applies to what I'm working through these days. It sounds like you're already "ready" to improve your situation and are committed to not wasting any more time than you need to.

I disagree that role playing is helpful -- at least it's not for me. When I put myself in the head of the people I speak to, all I think about is how I must look to them, and it's rarely positive. I don't think we should consciously be concerned with how others around us perceive us, because there will always be haters and just because someone might judge us a certain way doesn't mean their judgement is valid or even matters. All role playing does is cramp my style and keep me fearful of how I'm seen rather than who I am and what I can contribute to the world, which is what's really important.
 

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Welcome, Meaningless! :)
 

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sp chick
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i turn 21 in a few weeks, and it sucks to be this down in life at such a young age. i have suffered from social anxiety my whole life.

i definitely agree that it does suck to be so down at such a young age, i'm in the same boat!!
 
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