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Hi everyone...lol it's ridiculous but I just deleted that opening 4 times because I needed to reword it as not to sound dumb...I'm already nervous what you guys will think. That said, guess I'll get right into it.

I have two "me's" pretty much, and we fight a lot.. I have logical me and irrational anxious me. I go back and forth in my head quite a lot with just about everything. Sometimes major things which is good I guess, but the other stuff not so much. I do it over if I should say "hi" to someone or not, then if I don't say "hi" I go back and forth of if they thought I was an ***hole for not doing it or if they are relieved because they really didn't want to talk to me anyways. Then when I do say hello I wonder if I sounded stupid and think back everything I said, any dumb expression I could have made or maybe an etiquette I didn't live up to because maybe they made a weird expression or said goodbye in a seemingly odd tone. I'll go back and forth of "omg I'm so stupid why did I say that" and "c'mon, who gives a rat's *** man?!"

I'm like this about everything, just about all the time, not just around strangers, but friends too. Very occasionally family. I'll be in a great mood and then I'll think back to something stupid I did or said years ago and immediately put myself in a bad mood and feel worthless. (even though it's stupid, nobody else remembers it...I know, I know...but I remember) I want everyone to have a good impression of me and just to be liked and respected (again, you can't make all of the people happy all of the time...I know...logic doesn't fix the f'ing problem) My friends all joke on each other, they joke with me on other friends....but when it comes to it being ME that they're joking on, I get upset, swear I need new friends, and feel horrible about myself. I consider me beneath them and I can't even talk to them in that frame of mind without stuttering or mumbling...which I'm sure makes things worse.

As a history, I wasn't beaten as a kid (though I did have a strict upbringing and was ALWAYS worried if my dad was mad at me or not) And I don't have a history of drug abuse, these feelings were in my head loooong before I had my first drop of alcohol let alone any other stuff.

I do have good days though...sometimes just good hours...but there's times when I'm in "the zone" and speak to everyone as if I'm their equal, I'm not afraid to ask for things, and I do feel positive. But most the time I have that nagging voice in my head. It's manageable but my god....some days I just wonder what it's all for and nothing in the world can fix my mood until I sleep it off, which it's really hard to sleep when you're in that mode. Things seem so bleak at times, and logically again, I know it will pass, it always does, and there will be more times in "the zone", but that really doesn't help at the time.

Logic doesn't help, that's why I'm here. I can't talk to my friends about it because they will give me logical answers, because they can't understand my thought process. It seems so easy to them I guess, and then I have to deal with them doing impressions of me when I'm not around of "the worlds out to get me and I hate everyone GRAAAH!!" And going back, yeah, it's all in fun and they joke on each other too, why can't I just accept that? I had a friend with the same problem but he "conquered his anxiety" and just tells me to "just stop caring what people think, who gives a ****?" but easier said than done, it seems impossible for me to do. I've convinced myself that there's nothing a psychiatrist can tell me that I don't already know and that all pills are placebos, so things seem pretty bleak to me.

Thought if I found other people that I can talk to about these problems who shared them it might help. If I'm not at the right place, sorry I freaked you all out with that **** and I'll be on my way. If I am, please post back, tell me if you deal with this stuff too, because I'm feeling pretty alone with it, no family or friends with it. Regardless, sorry this was so long, had a lot to get off my chest I guess. And nice to meet you.
 

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Hi quietmusician. :) I have a lot of similar feelings. Sometimes you'll be completely fine, doing whatever you're doing, and then out of nowhere this old memory is triggered in your head and you basically reexperience whatever emotion you felt at that time (usually it's embarassment for me). I'll be completely calm and then, spontaneously, I'll get angry over such stupid little things --like something somebody said to me years ago.

Similar family history here, only with the opposite parent. I always thought my mom was mad at me. Even when she explained to me that she wasn't, I still was 100% sure that she was. Logic doesn't seem to work for me either.

I don't like talking to people who have "conquered their anxiety" because they always strike me as a bit insensitive. If they really "conquered" it, they would realize how difficult things are before you reach that point. They should realize a blunt "get over it" didn't work for them, and it's not going to work for other people.

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. Hopefully, posting here will help you see there are more people who share your feelings. I'm a newbie myself, so I want to do the same thing. :)
 

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:wel
 

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Hi and welcome,
I just joined too, with alot of similarities. The logical fighting the emotion, the back-n-forth stupid v. non-stupid. It took me a week to think of how I was going to write my "intro". I think I'm going to check into a mixture of low-dose meds with some CBT because I feel I need to "record over" so to speak the auto-hate ideas that keep prowling in my head.
Plus starting here, just getting the ideas out & communicated is providing alot of release. Good luck with everything, sounds like you're on the right track.
 

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Hey Chris, welcome to :sas
 

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Hey welcome, it sounds like you're in the right place. I have similar uncertainties about if people are mad at me - both my parents tended to blow up in anger, especially my dad. So I tend to be wary of authority figures, even still. But I just started therapy again to try to deal with some of this stuff.
 

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Hi quietmusician. :)

I know exactly how you feel. I also feel like there are two me's. One wants to talk to people and make friends, and get out and do more things, but the other me always puts a stop to any of it. I've always let the second me win, and as such have had no life up to this point, but i've recently decided to fight this self and try to overcome my social anxiety. At the moment it feels like there is a battle going on in my head between my two selves which is driving me mad, but i'm determined that the me that wants to overcome my SA is going to win.

I also had a similar upbringing with my dad. He never laid a finger on me, but we were always made to be quiet and never answer back. He had quite a nasty stare he would give me and my brothers if we didn't do as we were told, which sort of implied that we do as we are told or there would be consequences. As such i've grown up quiet and too scared to talk to people, but I am trying to overcome this.
 

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Welcome to the site, QuietMusician! :)
 

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Discussion Starter #12
It's a bit of a relief to find some people with the same problems, thanks for the welcome everyone. This is going to sound stupid, but what do I do from here? I mentioned in my first post that I've never joined a message board, so past the introduction I'm pretty much in the dark. Thanks again guys.
 

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Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I really identify with the thinking of things that happened years ago and cringing and feeling **** about them. They don't even have to be that terrible for me to do it. Agh! As for what to do next, you can read the messages on the various boards and get stuck into replying, or just read. Whatever helps.
 

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It's a bit of a relief to find some people with the same problems, thanks for the welcome everyone. This is going to sound stupid, but what do I do from here? I mentioned in my first post that I've never joined a message board, so past the introduction I'm pretty much in the dark. Thanks again guys.
This is the first message board i've joined as well. Just read the posts and if you feel you have something to say, just click on "Post Reply" and type whatever you want to say. If you have something on your mind, click on "New Thread" and start a topic. I was nervous about doing this for a start, but i've done it a couple of times now and people have replied. You'll find people are very supportive here and have some good advice to offer. I was very wary about joining a message board, but I can honestly say that I have been made to feel welcome here, and i'm sure you'll feel the same way. :)
 

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Welcome, quietmusician. I too am somewhat of a musician, married to another musician, who also feels like he has an anxiety issue. We too, both had strict mothers, and have a lot of similar feelings as you. Is it music we seek to make us feel better?
 

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I know how you feel

It was 20 years ago.... I had it REALLY BAD!! I could not be around anyone without thinking they were judging me!! My family and friends included. We would be sitting around a table on a coffee break at work - maybe 3 gals and me. I wouldn't say anything. If I was asked something I would turn all red and be embarrassed! It was hell... my anxiety had built up to being this bad. To make a long story short I went on a medication called anafranil (it is an older tricylic)... I was embarrassed that I needed medication.... how could it possibly help? I guarantee all meds are not plasibo! After 2 weeks on the med I had another appointment with my GP (not a psychiatrist, just GP with experience). I remember SO clearly going for coffee with my sis and a friend before my appt. I actually laughed from my heart for the first time in years.... I didn't think in my head "what are they thinking of me". After that, I remember thinking "OK, I'm going to blush and be embarrased when I get asked a question" but it didn't happen! What a relief!!!

SO........ you can feel better.

Best of luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Welcome, quietmusician. I too am somewhat of a musician, married to another musician, who also feels like he has an anxiety issue. We too, both had strict mothers, and have a lot of similar feelings as you. Is it music we seek to make us feel better?
I would say so. When I hear really good, strong touching music, it kind of boosts my faith in humanity a notch. If other people are capable of writing such moving songs, maybe the world isn't as cold as it seems. A lot of times it is the only way I can relate to people, congratulations by the way with finding somebody who understands and shares your interests.

So far so good, the more I read on this site the more I see how common this is. It makes me feel a little better, I hope to get more involved when I can think of something important enough to post as a topic. Thanks again everyone for letting me know that I'm not alone with this!
 

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Discussion Starter #19
It was 20 years ago.... I had it REALLY BAD!! I could not be around anyone without thinking they were judging me!! My family and friends included. We would be sitting around a table on a coffee break at work - maybe 3 gals and me. I wouldn't say anything. If I was asked something I would turn all red and be embarrassed! It was hell... my anxiety had built up to being this bad. To make a long story short I went on a medication called anafranil (it is an older tricylic)... I was embarrassed that I needed medication.... how could it possibly help? I guarantee all meds are not plasibo! After 2 weeks on the med I had another appointment with my GP (not a psychiatrist, just GP with experience). I remember SO clearly going for coffee with my sis and a friend before my appt. I actually laughed from my heart for the first time in years.... I didn't think in my head "what are they thinking of me". After that, I remember thinking "OK, I'm going to blush and be embarrased when I get asked a question" but it didn't happen! What a relief!!!

SO........ you can feel better.

Best of luck!
Awhile back I tried Lexipro, it was also prescribed to me by a GP. One of the side effects is weight gain and unfortunately my anxiety has me neurotic about my physical appearance, so off the bat I wasn't too keen on taking the stuff. I tried it though, but had a horrible break up with the girl I was seeing two weeks later, and I just stopped taking it. 2 weeks isn't a fair amount of time to judge it, I know...but it's hard to go back and try it again, especially with my "placebo" mentality.

Thanks for sharing your experience with the tricylic though, I might end up asking a doctor about meds soon because it seems as I get older, it doesn't get better...and being anxious all the time is getting old...so I'm starting to find myself depressed a lot too.
 

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Tricylic

Seriously, I have had no side effects from anafranil (doesn't mean you won't)... I have gained no weight at all... no brain zaps/bad experiences from missing a dose or coming off like with the newer meds. It was so subtle I didn't know it was working until I felt "normal". I tried to go off and the anxiety/bad thoughts came back. I have been on for 20 years and thank god for this drug cuz I would not have wanted to live like that!! Now don't get me wrong - I still have some anxieties but I don't dwell on them day and night! I don't think many on this board are on anafranil (or have tried it and it didn't work)... you just need to find what works best for you.......good luck.
 
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