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23 Posts
Hi everyone...lol it's ridiculous but I just deleted that opening 4 times because I needed to reword it as not to sound dumb...I'm already nervous what you guys will think. That said, guess I'll get right into it.
I have two "me's" pretty much, and we fight a lot.. I have logical me and irrational anxious me. I go back and forth in my head quite a lot with just about everything. Sometimes major things which is good I guess, but the other stuff not so much. I do it over if I should say "hi" to someone or not, then if I don't say "hi" I go back and forth of if they thought I was an ***hole for not doing it or if they are relieved because they really didn't want to talk to me anyways. Then when I do say hello I wonder if I sounded stupid and think back everything I said, any dumb expression I could have made or maybe an etiquette I didn't live up to because maybe they made a weird expression or said goodbye in a seemingly odd tone. I'll go back and forth of "omg I'm so stupid why did I say that" and "c'mon, who gives a rat's *** man?!"
I'm like this about everything, just about all the time, not just around strangers, but friends too. Very occasionally family. I'll be in a great mood and then I'll think back to something stupid I did or said years ago and immediately put myself in a bad mood and feel worthless. (even though it's stupid, nobody else remembers it...I know, I know...but I remember) I want everyone to have a good impression of me and just to be liked and respected (again, you can't make all of the people happy all of the time...I know...logic doesn't fix the f'ing problem) My friends all joke on each other, they joke with me on other friends....but when it comes to it being ME that they're joking on, I get upset, swear I need new friends, and feel horrible about myself. I consider me beneath them and I can't even talk to them in that frame of mind without stuttering or mumbling...which I'm sure makes things worse.
As a history, I wasn't beaten as a kid (though I did have a strict upbringing and was ALWAYS worried if my dad was mad at me or not) And I don't have a history of drug abuse, these feelings were in my head loooong before I had my first drop of alcohol let alone any other stuff.
I do have good days though...sometimes just good hours...but there's times when I'm in "the zone" and speak to everyone as if I'm their equal, I'm not afraid to ask for things, and I do feel positive. But most the time I have that nagging voice in my head. It's manageable but my god....some days I just wonder what it's all for and nothing in the world can fix my mood until I sleep it off, which it's really hard to sleep when you're in that mode. Things seem so bleak at times, and logically again, I know it will pass, it always does, and there will be more times in "the zone", but that really doesn't help at the time.
Logic doesn't help, that's why I'm here. I can't talk to my friends about it because they will give me logical answers, because they can't understand my thought process. It seems so easy to them I guess, and then I have to deal with them doing impressions of me when I'm not around of "the worlds out to get me and I hate everyone GRAAAH!!" And going back, yeah, it's all in fun and they joke on each other too, why can't I just accept that? I had a friend with the same problem but he "conquered his anxiety" and just tells me to "just stop caring what people think, who gives a ****?" but easier said than done, it seems impossible for me to do. I've convinced myself that there's nothing a psychiatrist can tell me that I don't already know and that all pills are placebos, so things seem pretty bleak to me.
Thought if I found other people that I can talk to about these problems who shared them it might help. If I'm not at the right place, sorry I freaked you all out with that **** and I'll be on my way. If I am, please post back, tell me if you deal with this stuff too, because I'm feeling pretty alone with it, no family or friends with it. Regardless, sorry this was so long, had a lot to get off my chest I guess. And nice to meet you.
I have two "me's" pretty much, and we fight a lot.. I have logical me and irrational anxious me. I go back and forth in my head quite a lot with just about everything. Sometimes major things which is good I guess, but the other stuff not so much. I do it over if I should say "hi" to someone or not, then if I don't say "hi" I go back and forth of if they thought I was an ***hole for not doing it or if they are relieved because they really didn't want to talk to me anyways. Then when I do say hello I wonder if I sounded stupid and think back everything I said, any dumb expression I could have made or maybe an etiquette I didn't live up to because maybe they made a weird expression or said goodbye in a seemingly odd tone. I'll go back and forth of "omg I'm so stupid why did I say that" and "c'mon, who gives a rat's *** man?!"
I'm like this about everything, just about all the time, not just around strangers, but friends too. Very occasionally family. I'll be in a great mood and then I'll think back to something stupid I did or said years ago and immediately put myself in a bad mood and feel worthless. (even though it's stupid, nobody else remembers it...I know, I know...but I remember) I want everyone to have a good impression of me and just to be liked and respected (again, you can't make all of the people happy all of the time...I know...logic doesn't fix the f'ing problem) My friends all joke on each other, they joke with me on other friends....but when it comes to it being ME that they're joking on, I get upset, swear I need new friends, and feel horrible about myself. I consider me beneath them and I can't even talk to them in that frame of mind without stuttering or mumbling...which I'm sure makes things worse.
As a history, I wasn't beaten as a kid (though I did have a strict upbringing and was ALWAYS worried if my dad was mad at me or not) And I don't have a history of drug abuse, these feelings were in my head loooong before I had my first drop of alcohol let alone any other stuff.
I do have good days though...sometimes just good hours...but there's times when I'm in "the zone" and speak to everyone as if I'm their equal, I'm not afraid to ask for things, and I do feel positive. But most the time I have that nagging voice in my head. It's manageable but my god....some days I just wonder what it's all for and nothing in the world can fix my mood until I sleep it off, which it's really hard to sleep when you're in that mode. Things seem so bleak at times, and logically again, I know it will pass, it always does, and there will be more times in "the zone", but that really doesn't help at the time.
Logic doesn't help, that's why I'm here. I can't talk to my friends about it because they will give me logical answers, because they can't understand my thought process. It seems so easy to them I guess, and then I have to deal with them doing impressions of me when I'm not around of "the worlds out to get me and I hate everyone GRAAAH!!" And going back, yeah, it's all in fun and they joke on each other too, why can't I just accept that? I had a friend with the same problem but he "conquered his anxiety" and just tells me to "just stop caring what people think, who gives a ****?" but easier said than done, it seems impossible for me to do. I've convinced myself that there's nothing a psychiatrist can tell me that I don't already know and that all pills are placebos, so things seem pretty bleak to me.
Thought if I found other people that I can talk to about these problems who shared them it might help. If I'm not at the right place, sorry I freaked you all out with that **** and I'll be on my way. If I am, please post back, tell me if you deal with this stuff too, because I'm feeling pretty alone with it, no family or friends with it. Regardless, sorry this was so long, had a lot to get off my chest I guess. And nice to meet you.
