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I guess i always knew i was unattractive. But It was only during high school that my appearance became a relevant issue (which i guess is natural) and Through those years i put on weight, i now realize that eating was probably a subconscious coping mechanism. When i left school, i lost weight but got acne which lead to me not looking in a mirror or being in a photograph for years.

At university i went to the gym 5 times a week and even when i lost weight and acne i found i was still crippled by the anxieties i'd developed in my teen years.

Now i've put on a little weight again, I find a growing jealousy rises in me when i see good looking (or just not unattractive) guys my age but particularly younger who don't have to deal with the image issues i did. I look at them as people i wanted to be, doing the things i wanted to do. I have no hatred towards them i just feel that my formative years damaged me and i missed out.

DR
 

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suh dude
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At this point though it sounds like you relatively happy about your appearance, which is a step in the right direction. I know what you mean about feeling regretful about the past, but you cant let it control modern day you. Anyway, welcome to the forums :)
 

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I just finished graduate school, and on occasion I still find myself feeling bitter about how much SA and depression took away from my life. I never went to a high school dance and I never had many friends. When I think of high school, I just think of spending so much time in my bedroom or on the computer. A lot of college was the same story, although I did make one really good friend who made sure I went to a few football and basketball games and forced me to experience college.

Still, whenever I see a group of teenagers together laughing, or see a young couple on a date, or read a book or watch a movie where young people are living carefree, full lives, I'm filled with jealousy and (sadly) self-loathing for allowing my anxiety to take so much away from me.

I can't ever get these years back, but what I can do is make sure that now I live my life in a way that I won't regret later. I'm not perfect at it, but with a lot of effort I have been able to have experiences and make friendships that I'll always have. It doesn't make up for what I missed in the past, but it gives me a now to look back on in the future.

I guess what I'm saying is hang in there. Keep working. It can get better, and this is the right place to be to get support and encouragement. We understand.
 

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Welcome, DarrenRussell! :)
 
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