Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 4 of 4 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
1,532 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
To be straight to the point, I just don't like people much at all. That is my conclusion. For so long, I have been focusing on social anxiety and my paranoia, but I now realize that the main reason why I am the way I am is because I don't like interaction. I only do it because I have to in order to survive. This may seem extreme, and there are exceptions. I do love my friends, family and my girlfriend...but as a whole, social interaction exhausts me and I don't care to do it. But, I do it anyway.

By socializing when I don't want to, which means seeing people that I am not already friends with, I get extremely exhausted and angered. You may ask what made me come to this conclusion, and that is my college orientation that I just attended for two days. I didn't change my personality, I approached people at my own will, shook hands, smiled, started conversations and even made a friend. All went well. At the end of the day, though, I felt ill...depressed, hateful, and brutally exhausted. I am discontent with the fact that in order to survive in this world you must communicate with people properly, and I do not enjoy doing it. I would be perfectly happy living on an island with close friends/family and never meeting another soul. Sure, that would mean passing up many new opportunities, but it's just the way I am.

My massive paranoia must play a role in this. I am constantly trying to read people, finding blankness and coldness behind smiles, behind hand gestures, and so on. This exhausts me, and perhaps that is why I don't like socializing: because I am trying to read their thoughts. It's quite odd, because in my deep inner self, I couldn't give a flying **** about what others think of me. And yet, I try to find out what they are thinking. Was that smile real? Did they say what they said in order to please me, or did they mean it? I cannot get over these thoughts, and they are never avoidable.

What I am trying to say here is this: Although I have gotten over much of my social anxiety these past few months, I really just cannot stand being around the majority of the people in this world. I am sickened by the fact that I need to start over in college, and I am sickened that I have no choice but to make new friends and dive in there in order to thrive. I feel I am being fake, although I'm not because I don't change my personality when I am meeting new people. I just feel fake because I really don't even want to be doing that.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,532 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
If I was looking for an excuse I would keep it to myself and not even bother posting it on here. Just because I am paranoid doesn't mean socializing interests me at all. Paranoia comes without my control, and happens even with people like my parents. Don't really know how to explain it further.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,532 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
It's funny you say it's a gift, because I actually feel I have amazing observational powers.

Charles Manson once said, "Total paranoia is just total awareness." What's scary is that about...1/3 of the time my paranoias are confirmed as truth.
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top