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My massive paranoia must play a role in this. I am constantly trying to read people, finding blankness and coldness behind smiles, behind hand gestures, and so on. This exhausts me, and perhaps that is why I don't like socializing: because I am trying to read their thoughts. It's quite odd, because in my deep inner self, I couldn't give a flying **** about what others think of me. And yet, I try to find out what they are thinking. Was that smile real? Did they say what they said in order to please me, or did they mean it? I cannot get over these thoughts, and they are never avoidable.


That is my problem. I suppose it's a problem. I often wonder if people ever notice me observing them? I am constantly trying to figure out what people are thinking, whether or not they're fake, whether or not they like me, if they're envious. I basically want to know where I stand with people so I know who to stay away from and who I can be around. I like to know who I have around me. Maybe it is a problem but I also see this as my defense mechanism. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to protect myself. Also, I don't want to impose myself on people who do not welcome me. Fear of rejection or not, it's really pointless to force myself on those who do not want me around in the first place. My pride plays a large factor in that too.
I sometimes enjoy trying to figure out why people react the way they do. So maybe this it is a gift as much as a problem.
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