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Discussion Starter #1
To be straight to the point, I just don't like people much at all. That is my conclusion. For so long, I have been focusing on social anxiety and my paranoia, but I now realize that the main reason why I am the way I am is because I don't like interaction. I only do it because I have to in order to survive. This may seem extreme, and there are exceptions. I do love my friends, family and my girlfriend...but as a whole, social interaction exhausts me and I don't care to do it. But, I do it anyway.

By socializing when I don't want to, which means seeing people that I am not already friends with, I get extremely exhausted and angered. You may ask what made me come to this conclusion, and that is my college orientation that I just attended for two days. I didn't change my personality, I approached people at my own will, shook hands, smiled, started conversations and even made a friend. All went well. At the end of the day, though, I felt ill...depressed, hateful, and brutally exhausted. I am discontent with the fact that in order to survive in this world you must communicate with people properly, and I do not enjoy doing it. I would be perfectly happy living on an island with close friends/family and never meeting another soul. Sure, that would mean passing up many new opportunities, but it's just the way I am.

My massive paranoia must play a role in this. I am constantly trying to read people, finding blankness and coldness behind smiles, behind hand gestures, and so on. This exhausts me, and perhaps that is why I don't like socializing: because I am trying to read their thoughts. It's quite odd, because in my deep inner self, I couldn't give a flying **** about what others think of me. And yet, I try to find out what they are thinking. Was that smile real? Did they say what they said in order to please me, or did they mean it? I cannot get over these thoughts, and they are never avoidable.

What I am trying to say here is this: Although I have gotten over much of my social anxiety these past few months, I really just cannot stand being around the majority of the people in this world. I am sickened by the fact that I need to start over in college, and I am sickened that I have no choice but to make new friends and dive in there in order to thrive. I feel I am being fake, although I'm not because I don't change my personality when I am meeting new people. I just feel fake because I really don't even want to be doing that.
 

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You say socializing doesn't interest you, but you also say you get paranoid about how people perceive you. So NO you do care about socializing, you're just looking for an excuse.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
If I was looking for an excuse I would keep it to myself and not even bother posting it on here. Just because I am paranoid doesn't mean socializing interests me at all. Paranoia comes without my control, and happens even with people like my parents. Don't really know how to explain it further.
 

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You say socializing doesn't interest you, but you also say you get paranoid about how people perceive you. So NO you do care about socializing, you're just looking for an excuse.
I'm not sure.....I think that it is possible for a person to not want to socialize but still worry about what other people think at the same time. In other words the person doesn't want to make new friends but is still worried about what strangers think of him.
 

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I understand what you wrote and I can relate. I love my family. They are the reason I am still alive. I love the few buddies I have, even though I never see them anymore. But outside of that, I do not like being around people. It's not that I don't like them personally, because I don't know them personally. The thing is, I don't want to know them personally and I don't want them to know me. I want to work, I just don't want to work with other people, or for other people. I want to learn, but I don't want to learn in a school setting, with classmates and teachers and grades and degrees. I was born and forced into having to do certain things, but I refuse to do them.
I would also love to just go live on a deserted island with my family and friends. I'd live in the forest if I had to.

But I also don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to like people and enjoy their company. I want to be witty and smart and funny and interesting. I want guys to want to be my friend, and I want girls to want me.

But like you, I don't see it happening.

I'm sorry we feel this way.
 

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My massive paranoia must play a role in this. I am constantly trying to read people, finding blankness and coldness behind smiles, behind hand gestures, and so on. This exhausts me, and perhaps that is why I don't like socializing: because I am trying to read their thoughts. It's quite odd, because in my deep inner self, I couldn't give a flying **** about what others think of me. And yet, I try to find out what they are thinking. Was that smile real? Did they say what they said in order to please me, or did they mean it? I cannot get over these thoughts, and they are never avoidable.

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That is my problem. I suppose it's a problem. I often wonder if people ever notice me observing them? I am constantly trying to figure out what people are thinking, whether or not they're fake, whether or not they like me, if they're envious. I basically want to know where I stand with people so I know who to stay away from and who I can be around. I like to know who I have around me. Maybe it is a problem but I also see this as my defense mechanism. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to protect myself. Also, I don't want to impose myself on people who do not welcome me. Fear of rejection or not, it's really pointless to force myself on those who do not want me around in the first place. My pride plays a large factor in that too.
I sometimes enjoy trying to figure out why people react the way they do. So maybe this it is a gift as much as a problem.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
It's funny you say it's a gift, because I actually feel I have amazing observational powers.

Charles Manson once said, "Total paranoia is just total awareness." What's scary is that about...1/3 of the time my paranoias are confirmed as truth.
 

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You sound a lot like me during my freshman orientation. Oy. Most miserable experience ever. All these people telling you that "the person sitting next to you may be your friend for life" and crap and you're just in so much pain and misery because of all these cheesy social exercises that you have to manage to get through or you'll somehow get left behind. I remember I did all the activities too and I met people and talked to them and even met up with people for "unorganized socializing". But I would run out of steam before everyone else would, and the whole process of struggling through social niceties made me want to pull my hair out. Everyone else seemed eager to meet and engage with new people. I saw it as a chore. I came to some similar conclusions as yours those horrible three days, and during my first two months at school; that I hated people, I didn't need them, i would be a recluse and I didn't give a damn who cared about it. But I managed to find, albeit a small handful, of really awesome friends who appreciate me for what I am. Most of them lived in my dorm, so I never really had to "meet" them, we just all got thrown in together, so I could socialize as long as I could in the common area and then pretend to have to study and quietly retreat to my very nearby room whenever it became too much. I know I hate it when people tell me this, but hang in there. I'm very paranoid about what people think of me too, but if you try to work past that first impression of someone that makes you want to cringe, you may find your initial instinct wasn't entirely true. Eventually, the nauseating "meeting" process will come to an end. After that, it gets a little better.
 
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