[CrimsonTrigger]

Is this a problem for anyone else here?

Does everyone here know about temperament? It's something you're born with that influences how you react emotionally to situations and how you approach people. I've concluded that I have a slot-to-warm-up temperament based on what I've read.

And it frustrates the hell out of me that nobody understands it. Some people make friends very easily and know everybody in their school or workplace. I am not one of those people. When I'm forced to do group work, I barely interact with anybody because I am not comfortable with these people. Everyone seems to expect that I'll get comfortable in a few minutes, but it doesn't work like that for me. It can takes days, weeks, even months for me to get comfortable enough with someone to interact with them more, and depending on the person, that sometimes never happens. Even if it does happen, most of the time, it's because that person engaged me first.

That's one reason why I stay away from people. I feel like it would frustrate them so much having to put up with someone like me who can't get comfortable right away. It's just how I am and most people don't seem to get it. Even in high school I had teachers saying they were going to force me to interact more by putting me in groups. It doesn't work like that.

 

[The Sleeping Dragon]

I'm exactly the same. After about six months working at my new job I finally am able to loosen up a bit to people and actually talk a little without being talked to first.

 

[Nekomata]

Yeah, same here. I'd also have to interact with those people on a daily basis in order to be and stay comfortable. Pretty sure if I see someone rarely I'd get nervous and stuff when it comes to talking to them, even if I've known them for years.

 

[BlazingLazer]

I think most people here are like that, as that seems to be a common symptom of SA.

Is it the same as having people warm up to you? I notice that out of a number of people some talk about, I'm usually one of the ones that they had to warm up to over time instead of winning people over instantly (which I am somehow able to do on occasion).

 

[tehuti88]

Is this a problem for anyone else here?

Does everyone here know about temperament? It's something you're born with that influences how you react emotionally to situations and how you approach people. I've concluded that I have a slot-to-warm-up temperament based on what I've read.

And it frustrates the hell out of me that nobody understands it. Some people make friends very easily and know everybody in their school or workplace. I am not one of those people. When I'm forced to do group work, I barely interact with anybody because I am not comfortable with these people. Everyone seems to expect that I'll get comfortable in a few minutes, but it doesn't work like that for me. It can takes days, weeks, even months for me to get comfortable enough with someone to interact with them more, and depending on the person, that sometimes never happens. Even if it does happen, most of the time, it's because that person engaged me first.

That's one reason why I stay away from people. I feel like it would frustrate them so much having to put up with someone like me who can't get comfortable right away. It's just how I am and most people don't seem to get it. Even in high school I had teachers saying they were going to force me to interact more by putting me in groups. It doesn't work like that.

Yes, yes, YES.

I replied to your other thread along these lines:

It takes me AGES to really warm to somebody, and...most people just do not have that kind of patience. Again, I understand why this is, but it's frustrating, because I think that maybe I COULD make a decent friend, but only for people who are r-e-a-l-l-y p-a-t-i-e-n-t.

There are people here who've gotten angry/offended with me when I didn't warm to them within several days/a few e-mails...I don't see why they should be offended, it's obvious they wouldn't have been able to stand having me as a friend anyway what with how slow my befriending process is. They should feel lucky they don't have to deal with me. Not angry/offended. Their anger just makes me even more anxious of dealing with people! :afr

I'm just...really, REALLY glacial when it comes to making friends. The process for me takes months, if not years. My one online friend? I'd been in touch with her like a DECADE before we even met. And I STILL experience lots of anxiety with her. :sigh

(Which is so very true I put a link to that post on my profile, in the hopes that the people who get frustrated trying to communicate with me will read it and see what I'm talking about. Perhaps I should replace that link with this one!)

I'm just so tired of offending and hurting people because I take so long to warm to others (and as you said, sometimes never do). I get this feeling that everyone else is allowed to reject/turn down people they aren't interested in being friends with, but just because I'm lonely I don't have that right, and I'm a jerk because of it. But I can't help it. I'm a block of very thick ice. :sigh

I don't think this was always my personality; I didn't have nearly so much trouble when I was young. But I did have a LOT of bad experiences that taught me to turn into ice, and by now, I'm not sure I can ever completely thaw out.

 

[Things Unsaid]

I can't do anything about the trust, but I've been trying to become more talkative with people which is likely to be interpreted as a reasonable amount of friendliness. At least, it doesn't seem like outright dislike to people who ask me for help with their laptop, try to be chatty, and then have to deal with a wall. I do feel kind of bad about that.

 

[bestgal]

I am the same but it's a real shame because I usually like the person once I get to know them.

Eg: New person called Angela joins the department. Very confident and assertive and everyone makes her feel welcome. She is invited to lunch by friends and I feel strange around her. I want to be friendly but find it hard to get past that barrier and just smile without talking. Suddenly everyone loves this person and I know I need to play catchup and make an effort because otherwise I'll be left out but I kinda resent it. 6 months later I start to get along with the person and feel more confortable in their presence because I am now used to having them around all the time.

I usually find that I will either like them immediately but feel too shy/uncomfortable around them or hate them and then change my mind after a few months.

 

[bluebirdd]

It takes me longer to warm up to people as well. But even if I do, sometimes I get these spasms of un-comfortableness because I'm thinking "Wow! I made it past the first stage. I really hope I don't mess up!" And then I get really self-conscious, I start talking meaningless conversation to cover up those feelings, but by then they walk away. On the occasion they do return, I think of our last meeting and tumble back into that mindset.

 

[JRB7793]

Me too. It's like I can't trust them.

 

[HopefulDreamer]

A lot of the time yes, although sometimes there are certain people I do feel comfortable with right away. Most people, it can take me weeks before I can talk to them comfortably. Where I work now, when I first started there it took me two months before I talked to them, except one or two people. Sometimes though, I meet certain people and there is something about them that I trust and I feel at ease with them right away. I wish I could feel that way about everyone.

I feel bad for saying this, but it's always hot people (girls or guys) that I have the least trust for. The better looking the person is, the less likely I can warm up to them. I feel that way more with girls than guys, even though I like guys. Girls intimidate me as it is, but the prettier she is, the more likely I am going to feel nervous around her. It took me three months before I would even talk to the one girl I work with because she looks like a model.

 

[Wurli]

Yup, I need about a 1 year window to get comfortable with people. Its getting to be rather ridiculous. Also, I've noticed that as I've gotten older, the "window" that I am allotted has gotten shorter and shorter. It's quite unfortunate I think.

 

[Kon]

Some people make friends very easily and know everybody in their school or workplace. I am not one of those people. When I'm forced to do group work, I barely interact with anybody because I am not comfortable with these people...That's one reason why I stay away from people. I feel like it would frustrate them so much having to put up with someone like me who can't get comfortable right away. It's just how I am and most people don't seem to get it.

I agree and can relate. Even when I haven't seen a person for a while, I feel like I'm kind of starting all over, if I'm forced to see them after a while, so I don't like past relationships, because I feel like they're strangers. "Out of sight, out of mind." I think it has to be with being introverted and seems normal to me, except some of us are at the extreme end. Something about change and novelty definitiely contributes to my anxiety, whether it's new people, new work, or old friends/acquaintances I don't continually interact with.

 

[jrocket]

It take me forever to get comfortable around people. I am not even comfortable around my family.

 

[TryingMara]

Yep, I'm the same. It takes me a long time to get close to and feel comfortable around others, and conversely it takes others a long time to warm up to me. It can be a problem, since people may judge me negatively because of that. It doesn't seem like most people have a problem getting close to others and hitting it off right away, so sometimes it's hard to find people who understand.

 

[Kon]

I wonder if the fact that we may not have been designed to face such continual forced, and novel social interactions (work, school, etc.) is not a major reason why SAD is so common, particularly in modern, westernized societies:​

Anthropological evidence suggests that, throughout much of human evolutionary history, humans lived in relatively small groups of 50-150 people (Baer & McEachron, 1982). These groups consisted primarily of extended kin networks such that most group members were biologically related (Daly & Wilson, 1997). Modern societies, in contrast, tend to involve many more people than did the social ecologies of the evolutionary past. Moreover, many modern societies, especially Westernized societies, are less centered on biological kin relationships; instead relationships focus on a much wider variety of people-professional colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances, community members, and complete strangers (Daly & Wilson, 1997). Consequently, in western societies people tend to have limited connections with kin-based support networks, relative to what humans have experienced in the past (and relative to what people tend to experience in eastern societies experience today; e.g., Mesquita, 2001).

When Adaptations Go Awry: Functional and Dysfunctional Aspects of Social Anxiety

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3161122/ ​

​

 

[a degree of freedom]

It take me forever to get comfortable around people. I am not even comfortable around my family.

Yeah, "comfort" is kind of a relative term ...

After a few interactions with someone I'll stop wanting to act like I don't know them and will be marginally friendly, but I'm pretty sure I don't relate to normally coming to feel comfortable with people just because I've known them awhile. That is by far the exception.