The thing that bothers me here is your view on how your grandparents 'might' (in your mind) view a child. I am a mother and I can tell you, your grandparents KNOW you have feelings and emotions. People nowadays are much more understanding of metal illness, but given they are your grandparents, I am guessing they just don't know what to do or say to help you. I bet they feel awkward just because they aren't sure what you need from them. Perhaps your SA is colouring your view of their 'looks' and they aren't thinking such things at all. You say "That's how they think, I know it" but do you? Really? No, you can't because none of us can ever really be sure how another person thinks or feels.I can already anticipate the replies, so let me state unequivocally: If I am exposed, I will be treated as a joke. Even my grandparents, who are perhaps the only people who truly care about me, can't help smiling from time to time at my awkwardness (and this is after I've told them about my SA and they responded sympathetically). They all look at me like a child, and they smile and laugh at the things I say and do and don't do like they would a child. I mean, it's just a child, it doesn't have complex feelings and emotions, so why not? That's how they think, I know it. They're completely oblivious to how angry and frustrated it makes me feel, and all of the severe emotional damage that every single condescending smile does to me. They will laugh!
Um... that was very rude. Here someone is, trying to ask for our thoughts, and simply showing us how he thinks by replying as he thinks someone might answer him, and you post that?? The very nature of SA involves that very double edged way of thinking. I myself often think about what someone else might say back. So what if he posted that?I read this entire post. You could have done without the introduction, or, actually, everything that was in parenthesis. Those were auxiliary. That probably would have shortened the read considerably. The fact that you actually made an introductory paragraph, introducing how long the thing was, seemed kind of silly. Plus it made the task of actually reading it even more daunting.
Also the parts where you put forth things that you think us readers would say, and then answer yourself, seem grossly self-indulgent of you.
The above responses aside, I believe that everyone does face a difficult battle of acceptance at your age.They're completely oblivious to how angry and frustrated it makes me feel, and all of the severe emotional damage that every single condescending smile does to me. They will laugh!
But nope, such dilemmas are not worth killing yourself over. Believe me, I've gone through that. Not being understood by others is merely one motivation of mine to understand more of others' psychology.Well, that or kill myself. God, I hate myself.
Shhh, don't get pissed over it, you have to make a positive influence, remember.Thanks for the literary criticism
Don't hide in the bathroom no longer, life goes on whatever happens. It's merely a stressful state of life you're going through because you do need attention at this stage and for a male, it can be hard to get a listening ear.I feel terrified, paranoid, and depressed, and all the time. I've hidden these feelings for a long time (and I've been in the habit of bottling up my feelings in general for an even longer time), and now I risk exposure. So, I make a post, which is kind of long, because well, I'm feeling bad, and I have a lot I'd like to get out. And then this ******* comes along...
We all know the feeling. And it's very noble and wise of you to seek anonymous aid from forums such as these. I didn't have that luxury.has made many a joke at my expense.
TheCollector: My answer to you question wasn't an afterthought. I've felt the feelings of "it's only a matter of time". I've felt that. I thought(still think) I was/am empathizing with you. I've felt the idea of eminent doom pressing upon me. I'm also aware that you have very limited choices. Look: the only choices I found I had were to keep going at life like I've always had, still full of terror and still hoping that I'm not "exposed", kill myself, or change to preemptively counterattack this eminent doom. I pussied out of killing myself(and told no one I was having those kind of thoughts). So, I found that my terror of being exposed put me in such a desperate state that I did thing's I'd otherwise not do. I took tranformative(not a word?) action and tried to change a little. (Now this is an auxiliary thought:I'm not going to tell you what I did, but rather, you could probably piece it together if you read some of my prior posts.)@ bloobla:
Thanks for the literary criticism, scumbag! Seriously, **** you! I had no intention of being belligerent, but since your post was so obviously filled with malice, I don't see how I can react any other way.
And don't try to lie about your motivations because I know exactly why you said everything that you said. Anything remotely helpful you said was an afterthought, and only said in the hopes that it might conceal your true motivation. You obviously found something about me that you dislike (which is understandable because I know that I'm a very contemptible person in many ways), and you wanted to hurt me.
What a ****ing *******! Because I'm long-winded, and committed the grievous sin of wasting less than 5 minutes of your time (which you wasted of your own accord), you felt you had license to criticize? And more importantly, to criticize, even though this person, given that they're on this site, might not respond so well to negative evaluation? Yeah, makes perfect sense. I'm sorry for wasting your time. Next time I make a post, I'll be sure to hire an editor for your benefit.
And before anyone suggests I'm overreacting, I think I've actually shown a great deal of restraint here considering his insensitive remarks. This is something I've been agonizing over for days (and when I say agonizing, I mean, like pacing around my room for hours, sulking in the bathroom for 20-30 minutes, agonizing). I feel terrified, paranoid, and depressed, and all the time. I've hidden these feelings for a long time (and I've been in the habit of bottling up my feelings in general for an even longer time), and now I risk exposure. So, I make a post, which is kind of long, because well, I'm feeling bad, and I have a lot I'd like to get out. And then this ******* comes along...
By the way, I greatly appreciate the responses of those of you who were actually trying to help rather than criticize. And I do intend to respond to your posts, but I need a little while to relax because this horrible person has put me in an even worse mood. I'm only sorry I wasted my time responding to his counterproductive post rather than yours.